(Song of the chapter : m83 - Wait)
So it looks like days can pass like hours now.
"Please get off from there son. You have been on that rooftop for far too long now." I hear the same womanly voice I have been hearing for the past three days.
I didn't move from my mother's rooftop for so long now. There was a point where Levi came up to give me food because I wouldn't move, I wouldn't go anywhere. I didn't reply to anyone that spoke to me. I couldn't find it in me to say something, except letting out pained screams each night.
"You have to get down here Justin. You have to prepare for her funeral."
What was the point of a funeral anyway? A funeral is like an event attended by already broken souls to hurt themselves even more.
"If you don't get down now, your father and brother are ready to come up there and get you. I can't leave you like that Justin, you have to go to the funeral before you regret it. I know it's hard accepting everything but do it for her." I hear her voice constantly breaking as she speaks.
A few minutes later, I sigh and get off the rooftop that has been my only home for the past three days back to the ground with everyone else.
Mom throws her hands around me and I lean against the wall, feeling completely disoriented.
"Your eyes are so red" She says, inspecting my face and I look away even though my face is between her palms.
"He finally got off the rooftop?" Nick comes out of the house, followed by dad.
"But he won't say anything still." All of them are already dressed up for the funeral, I notice.
"He still needs time mom. Let him be for now." Nick replies, standing next to his mother.
They forced me in some tux that I refused to wear all pieces of. I didn't already want to go to this funeral, I had already made peace with the fact that she's dead.
The car soon stops in front of a church and we exit, me being the last.
I almost get sick when we enter the church and I see a coffin...some petty flowers, along with Amara's photo placed on top of it.
People begin taking their seats and being this close to her coffin feels like the time I found her on the floor in a pool of blood back at the apartment.
I'm seated between Nick and Levi, Amara's two friends sit at the end. Their parents are here too, and so is the factor of the problem, Reece and his mother.
But I'm done pointing any accusing fingers to anyone but myself. I'm the factor of the problem. I'm the cause of her death.
"It's really sad that she passed away. Why is it like every family member I try to connect with dies?" I overhear Reece behind me say to whoever.
Soon enough, a pastor reads some bible verses before calling people to come up and say their eulogies.
My stomach turns as each person goes. Hearing each person talk about her, the girl who was perfect for me but never the other way around.
Everyone says they miss her, and that they love her, but it can never be as deep as my love for her, or the hollowness in my chest that longs for her.
My name is called, I breath in and out. When I stand up, I almost fall due to the sudden dizziness. I go up and stand next to her coffin. I look at her picture that I've been avoiding to look at the entire time, and a fresh set of tears escape my aching eyes.
"I...I don't have anything to say." My voice strained.
"Everything I wanted to say, I've already said in my heart. But if I have to... to say this in front of everyone..."
I turn to face her picture. Her eyes on the photo look like they are digging deep in my soul. Her smile that used to numb my pain hurts me even more.
"I'm...I'm so sorry Amara. I feel like, like negative things were bound to happen in our lives from the very beginning. I'm glad I came in time to save you when you were kidnapped, but ironic how you still ended up in hospital that night because of me. And a few nights ago, I couldn't hold my anger when I told you things I didn't mean. I left you alone, only for you to die because of me. There is nothing else I can say other than sorry. I'm really, deeply, utterly sorry for everything. I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you. You are...you were my light in everything. You helped me get over so much and forgive myself for many things. I really don't know how I'm supposed to live without you now, you were my only reason for living. Now that you're gone, I don't know how I'm going to survive. I miss you...god I miss you so much. I want to see your contagious smile again, hear your captivating laugh again...it's the little details I miss most about you. Things like how your eyes squint almost like they're closed when you laugh too hard, or the way your cheeks are too quick to turn pink when you feel embarrassed. You were perfect, too good for me even. I will live the rest of my life thinking about the girl I chased away from my seat once. I love you so much...so so much and you'll always be my cakes. My cakes...just a little more distant now."
My tears fall more and I walk back to my seat when I can't speak anymore. I place my elbows on my knees and cry into my hands. I'm offered a tissue but I stand up and leave the church instead.
I lean against the wall outside and cry more, more than I've cried these past four days. I didn't even cry this much when I found her on the floor inside a pool of blood. But now the pain of losing her is just so raw.
If you ever thought your heart was broken, try losing the person you love. It hurts so much. The heartache is too much to bear, too much to live with. It's a lot...
The graveyard part was the worst. Seeing the last I'll ever see of her leave the world like that was shattering.
I couldn't even stay there the entire ceremony, I took off. I went away. I walked down the streets, feeling light like the air around me. Maybe I have turned into air myself.
I found myself walking to the beach, it was sunset now.
I sit down on the sand before the water, watching the reflection of the sunset above on the water. It was beautiful. It was her.
She was beautiful.
I feel her in me. Her being away might mean she's gone but I'll never lose her from my heart, what's left of it, and from my soul.
Her leaving the world is unfortunate, but right now, as I watch the sunset, I can only remember the good memories.
The first time I saw her. The first time I ever saw her. It was afterschool and I was in detention. She entered the library and spoke to that librarian for a long time. She only left when everyone else was leaving.
I avoided her, I avoided everyone that time.
I then remember seeing her again, sensing that she was in pain. I knew it from the start that something was happening, because I overheard her conversation with that librarian. Not an entire sentence because they were really quiet but the word 'abuse' was being thrown around. After seeing her in pain the other day when I sat next to her in class, I pieced everything together.
I tried getting her out of it. I kept on threatening that she will pay for speaking back to me or whatever but that was only an excuse to get closer to her.
I broke into her room to offer her help without it being obvious that I knew.
When she finally lived with me, I was happy. Because she had finally opened up to me but most of all, she was no longer going to be hurt. I was never gonna allow her to get hurt again.
When I asked her to be my girlfriend, it's when I started feeling the change she had in me. And I wanted more, I wanted that life. The happy life with her.
My life was never perfect, but with her, it was.
I feel as though he's my anchor and I'm his... and whatever our souls are made out of, mine and his are the same. Two broken souls found each other to work on a happier life.
Life is perfect when I'm with him, his presence brings the presence of bliss in me, and is that how much you can love a person?
The note she wrote said. I have it with me. I take it out of my pocket and re-read the last part of it.
There's no limit or amount to love, just as my love for him is limitless. And whenever my soulmate reads this, he will know how much he means to me, how much I'm willing to love him in his hardest times, and how much my soul will forever be intertwined to his.
These words she wrote were the only things that kept me from committing suicide when I found her dead. I didn't want to live anymore if she wasn't. But now I know that she's looking down at me from above, loving me from above. Just as she said, our souls will forever be intertwined.
When she was still around, I was living because of her...but because she's not around anymore, I will live for her.
My best love, Amara Hart. My cakes.
T H E E N D