"The moment you change your perception is the moment you rewrite the chemistry of your body."
I woke up feeling dizzy, my whole body felt cold, my hands and knees were trembling and my heart was beating so fast. I felt like I'm going to faint, I stood up and went to my bathroom. I stayed there to calm myself but nothing's happening, I sat on the edge of my bed and did my breathing exercises, it didn't really help. I can't tame my thoughts until I let it consume me. I can't take it anymore, I felt like I'm going to die any minute.
"Maaaa!! Help meee! I'm having a major panic attack!" I waited for a minute but she didn't answer. I stood up and went outside my room.
"Maaa! Where are you! Please help me!" Everything seems to be blurry, I sat down on the floor and wept. Of all people why does it have to be me? Can I just live a happy normal life? These attacks were sucking out of my life, it made me so dysfunctional.
I felt a pair of arms stood me up and hugged me. She's rubbing my back as if telling me that "everything will be fine. it will go away". I know that scent. I can't go wrong.
"L-lisa, w-hy are you here?"
"Don't talk. Your heart's beating fast. let it out. Cry." I hugged her so tight and broke down in tears. She knows that when I'm having episodes of panic attack, I don't want people to talk to me and crying really helps to make it go away.
"You still have it." She said and I can sense that she's in tears too. I just nod. I felt her hug tightened as if she doesn't want to let me go. I suddenly felt my body slowly relaxing.
"Stay strong for me baby." With that, she kissed my forehead and carried me like a bride. She laid me down on my bed. Baby, I missed her calling me that.
Lisa checked my pulse rate and I can feel that my heart beat is going back to normal.
"Thank God. I was sleeping when I heard you screamed and it scared the hell out of me" I can see fear in her eyes.
"Thank you, Lisa." I hold her hand, she intertwined our fingers.
"It's just 5 in the morning, Rosie. You should go back to sleep. If you don't want me here, just call me, I'm staying at the guest room" she was about to walk outside when I held her hand.
"Don't go" it was as if her cue that she's been waiting to hear. I saw her eyes glistened.
"I really don't want to leave you. Not with your current state. I just don't want you to think that I'm taking advantage of this situation."
"No more talking. I might change my mind." I saw panic in her eyes. I turned at the other side of my bed and closed my eyes. I always feel tired every after these attacks.
"No. I'll stay here even if you don't want me to. I'll stay even on your dark days. I'll walk with you. I won't let you suffer alone. You got me" I felt her lie down beside me and hugged me. 2 years had passed and I can't deny the fact that she still makes me feel secured between her arms. I badly missed her hug and it felt so good now that she's back.
"Can I just hug you? Just pretend that it's not me until you feel better. Sleep well, my Rosie. I'll still be here when you wake up" And I drifted off to sleep.
10 am
I woke up and I saw the other side of bed, empty. Was that a dream? She told me she won't leave me😔 she lied. I got up and went downstairs.
"Open your mouth. Here's the chuchu traiiiin."
It is indeed a good morning. I saw Lianne sitting on Lisa's lap while the latter is feeding her. Picture perfect.
"Very goood. Did you like it?" Lianne gave her a two thumbs up and smile.
She hugged Lisa and "Delicious, mama."
"Come give mama a kiss." Lily kissed her cheeks. And what did she just call her? Mama? I didn't know that they were that close.
"How about mommy?" Both of them turned to face me.
Lily came running towards me "Mommmyyyy!!!" And kissed my cheeks.
"Good morning, baby. You seemed to be in such a good mood today."
"Yes, Mama Lisa is here that's why." I stole a glance at Lisa and our eyes met. I didn't know that she's smiling crazily.
"Good morning, Rosie" her smile is as bright as the sun
I frowned. "Why are you here, who invited you?"
A man's voice answered. "I did and is that how you greet someone a good morning?"
"Dad?" I ran towards him and hugged him so tight.
"I miss you, too, my princess."
"I miss you, dad. When did you arrive? How's New Zealand. How's our business?" I asked him consecutively
"Oh easy there, princess. I arrived about 9 hours ago. I have to thank Lisa for picking me up at the airport. I wanted to surprise you"
9 hours ago? I was still awake at that time. How did I not know? Maybe because I was so engrossed reading the letters.
"Oh that's why she's here."
"Yes, and she can stay here as long as she wants to."
"Can you just leave now?" I don't know what's gotten into me and I suddenly want to become harsh towards her. I saw her pained expression but I didn't mind.
"I'm sorry if I ruined your morning." She's about to leave when Lianne hugged her. I saw my dad threw me a sharp look.
"No, mama don't leave."
"Don't worry, Lily. Mama will still pay you a visit or you can come to my house. We"ll play, okay?"
"Noooo. Noooo." She threw her body at Lisa's and sobbed on her shirt
"Mommy, don't make mama leave." She looked at me, her eyes pleading. I walk towards them
"She's the girl on the picture beside your t..." I covered her mouth. Don't expose me, love
"Okay, Lisa will stay here. Don't cry anymore." I resigned.
"Yeheyyyyy!! Thank you, mommy!" She rained kisses on my face. I really can't say no to her.
"Mama Lisa can we go to the mall?" Lisa looked at me as if asking for permission.
"I think your mama is tired. Let her rest, honey."
"No, not really. Can you go with us, Rosie?" What? Why does she have to make me go with them.
"I, uhm, I really have a lot of things to do." That's a white lie, I still have paperworks to do because dad wants me to be the CEO of our company but thing is, I really don't want to be attach with her. Never again.
"Go with them, Rosie. I'll handle them. Enjoy your day with Lily and Lisa" Dad said sternly and with authority. Why does it feel like he loves Lisa more than me?
Do I have a choice? I changed my clothes and we went to the mall.
Lisa and Lily walked towards the arcade hand in hand. I can't believe that time will come and they will meet each other, not even in my wildest dreams. Lily knew what I've been through, of course there are some things that she can't understand but she pretty knows that I love Lisa, we have a picture beside my table and I will told her countless stories about her. often times when we pray, she usually ask God this "Papa God, I hope mama Lisa can come here so my mommy won't be sad anymore." I can tell that my daughter loves her so much.
"Mommy! Look mama got this for me." She showed me a bear big enough for her.
"That's so cute! Did you thank your mama?"
"Yes mama. I already did." She then hold Lisa's hand.
"This is for you, Rosie." She handed me my favorite character, No face from spirited away😍
"Oh my god! Is this for me? Thank youuu!!" I unknowingly hugged her. I just heard Lily giggled.
Lisa wrapped her arms around my shoulder while she holds Lily on her other hand. I can picture a simple, happy family.
"Rosieee!!" Someone called me, I turned around and see my childhood frenemy. Not gonna lie we have love-hate relationship
"Hello, Sam. It's nice to see you" she looked at us and flashed that smile that I know when she's about to tease someone.
"Since when you two get back together?"
"We're not"
"It was all over news back then, I must say that I've became a fan of yours." I looked down, feeling shy. Lisa held me tighter.
"But what happened? Why did you broke up?" Her sudden question baffled me. It's the question that I've been wanting to ask Lisa, What happened to us?
"It doesn't matter, what's important is n.." Lisa answered but Sam cut her off.
"I heard that Lisa cheated on you and you suffered. Too bad. Is that true?" I felt my tears threatening to fall down. So I excused myself.
"Excuse me I have to go to the wash room"
I didn't wait for their reply. I ran out and through a blur of tears, I found my way to a cubicle where I let my tears fall again. I can't help but sobbed, I don't care if people hear me. I needed this.
I guess I got too attached to my weakness, my pain and suffering that's why it's holding me back to be happy. I know that Lisa regret all of it but things like this have no assurance and that is so scary for me.
I wiped my tears, I can't let my weakness hinder me from ny responsibilities. It's not just about me now, I have to look after my daughter's welfare. She needed me the most.
I stepped out the washroom and I found Lisa standing against the wall next to the door, she wiped her tears.
"How did you know I was here" I asked.
She faced me, eyes swollen " I could hear you cry."
"Oh nice! Do you want to see me break down too? Do you need a full-decription of what I really feel? Or what I felt when you cheated on me? Do you want me to tell you that it still hurts?"
"No, I want you to tell me how can I fix it?" Her voice was gloomy. "What we had was so good together. You and I were so happy."
I cut her off "before you cheated on me. Everything was so good, so perfect."
"Just leave me alone, Lisa. I'm better off without you"