*Phil's point of view*
Trigger Warning: Self Hate/Anorexia
Is it just me, or has Dan lost weight?
The comment repeated in my head as I ran on the treadmill. I felt like I was going to pass out from exhaustion, but I kept running. I did this day after day. Still, nothing changed. I wasn't losing weight. I'd step on the scale. Every once and a while I'd see my weight drop a few pounds, it wasn't visible though.
When I looked in the mirror I was the same fat self that I was before I started. I sighed and walked out of my bedroom. I was about to leave the flat but I was stopped by Dan.
"Want to have a Lazy Day?" He asked gently, grabbing my hands.
"Not today. I'm going to the gym." I let go of his hands and started to walk out of the door.
"Again?" He asked. I turned around and saw the skeptical look on his face.
"I'm not cheating on you if that's what you're thinking," I sighed, I had been going everyday for like a month. He smiled.
"That's not what I was thinking at all. I just feel like you've been going a lot. How about we get a pizza tonight?" He asked, I thought for a moment and sighed.
"We'll see."
It was a few days later when I was banned from working out. It wasn't the gym, it was Dan. I guess one day I was working out a little too hard. I kind of... passed out. I got to the hospital and they called Dan, telling him I was dehydrated and fainted, he came immediately.
"Thank god, you're up," Dan sighed with relief and grabbed my hand. "I was worried," He whispered.
"I'm fine," I shrugged.
"You passed out. You're not fine," He gave me a stern look. "So, why'd you do it?"
"What, pass out?" I frowned. "You already know. Dehydration."
"Really?" He raised his eyebrows. "'Cause I think it's something else." He looked down and bit his lip. Before I could even ask what he meant he looked up. "What's with you lately?"
"What do you mean?" I tilted my head at him.
"You've been working out nonstop. You hate exercise," He explained.
"I've changed."
"Alright.. you don't have to tell me. Just-" He shook his head. "You always can."
Dan is so hot in this video
I frowned at my reflection. Same as always. Fat. Ugly. Nothing good. I felt like I was gaining weight by the second now that I wasn't going to the gym anymore. I decided something to replace it. I was going on a diet.
When Dan asked me what I wanted for dinner, I no longer answered pizza.
"I'm going on a diet," I told him, he frowned.
"Why?" He asked.
"I've just been eating a lot of junk lately," I shrugged. He walked over to me.
"You aren't doing all this to lose weight are you?" He ran his fingers through my hair.
"Maybe." I looked down at my feet.
"Why?" He looked mad. "You look absolutely fine. Did someone do something that made you think you don't look perfect? Since when are you bothered by what people say about you?"
"It's nothing," I rolled my eyes.
"All I'm saying is that you're perfect the way you are." He kissed me and smiled.
For some weird reason, he went on a diet with me. Whenever I'd eat something gross and tasteless, he'd eat it too. He'd make it for me. I didn't get it. There was no way out of it. I didn't know why he did it eat, it's not like he needed it. He was the same as always. The perfect weight. Beautiful. Amazing.
Even if I hate the healthiest meal for months, I still just wouldn't lose weight. I decided to give up on the diet after a few weeks.
Dan is sooo beautiful
The comments continued.
"Want to make some chicken? I could steam some vegetables too," Dan suggested.
"Uh... no, thanks." I smiled. "You can just order pizza or something." I sat down on the couch.
"Oh, are we done with your diet?" He curled up next to me. I put my arm around him.
"Yup," I lied.
"What kind of pizza do you want?" He asked.
"I'm not hungry," I said kissing his head.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm sure," I smiled.
Dan ordered his pizza and my stomach couldn't help but grumble. I missed pizza, but I knew it was nothing but a pile of grease that would just add to my fat.
"Morning," Dan mumbled. He was still cuddled to my side, only we were in our bed. "Want some breakfast?" He drew shapes on my skin as he talked.
"I'm ok." I kissed his forehead. He frowned, but walked into the kitchen. It wasn't until I denied diner that Dan knew something was up.
"Are you sure you don't want something to eat?" Dan asked again.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I made myself smile.
"Phil, you haven't had anything since yesterday. You didn't eat all day today and half of yesterday. You should eat," He pushed.
"Dan, really, I'm fine," I reassured him. He gave me a skeptical look as he scanned my face. Suddenly, he looked shocked, his eyes grew watery and sad.
"Phil... you're not," He tilted his head at me. "Please tell me you're not doing what I think you're doing," He whispered.
"It's fine, Dan.. just think of it as... another diet," I rolled my eyes. "I just.. don't eat."
"I told you to talk to me," He took a shaky breath as a tear rolled down his face.
"I'm just not eating. I don't know why you're so worked up about this," I scowled.
"Phil.. you're sick, Babe," He cupped my chin.
"I'm fine." I pushed his hand away.
"Listen to me. This isn't good for you. You have a mental illness. Anorexia isn't some... diet. You have to stop. You need to eat," He said sternly. I scoffed at his words.
"Dan, I'm not anorexic. I can stop this whenever, I'm just choosing not to," I shrugged, his stern look softened.
"Then why haven't you?" He asked gently.
"Because I-" I think it was at that moment I realized he was right. I had nothing to say. There was no way against it. The short moment spanned our into a thousand. Why haven't I stopped? It wasn't because I didn't want to, I wanted to more than anything. I wanted to eat but I couldn't eat. Why can't I? "I..." Dan pulled me in a hug. I broke down crying.
"Shh, it's ok, Phil," He whispered.
"I just wanted to be better," I cried into his shoulder as he rubbed my back.
"What do you mean, better?" He asked.
"I see-see so many c-comments about.." I couldn't say anything, I couldn't stop gasping for air. Dan took us to the couch.
"Breath, Babe. Just breath," His voice was soothing and already helping me calm down.
"What are they about?" He asked after I pulled away and was able to breath again.
"They're always talking about how amazing and hot and beautiful you are and I just.." I sighed.
"What?" He brushed hair out of my face.
"It.. it's selfish," I whispered.
"You never see any about you?" He suggested, I nodded. "Want to know why? Phil, you've had a lot on your mind lately, so I know you weren't thinking about my problems, you were thinking about yours. Phil, that's not selfish, you were in a bad place. I can't expect you to be constantly worried about me. The reason they're all so worried about me is because I went through the same thing. Remember 2012? I hated myself so much I did what you are doing now. I stopped eating," He explained. I felt like an alarm went off in the back of my head. How could I forget 2012? "Do you know who helped me through it?" He whispered.
"I did," I looked back and forth between his eyes. I can't believe he ever felt like I did right now. He was perfect.
"And you thought I was beautiful when I thought I was some ugly monster. Is that how you feel right now?" He asked, I nodded. "Phil, you are beautiful. You're so nice and perfect and amazing. Don't let dumb comments bother you, 'cause want to know what Phil I love?" I tilted my head at him. "I loved the old Phil. The one that would eat a whole pizza without a trace of guilt or worry. My Phil. Where is he?" He put his forehead against mine.
"He's gone," I whispered.
"No he's not. He's just hiding. It might take a while, but I'll get him back." Dan kissed me, a long passionate kiss that I missed. "Let's eat something."
"Yeah, let's do that."
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Thank you thatgentleman for the idea of this chapter!