Nathaniel
Back in Skyhold, everyone was talking about my decision to recruit the Wardens. So many disapproved that I retreated to my quarters for some peace and quiet and to escape their accusatory looks. I wasn't certain I had done the right thing as it was.
Yes, the Grey Wardens had crossed the line, but they'd also been used and manipulated by Corypheus. They were also the only force in all of Thedas who could end a Blight. The world couldn't afford to lose that knowledge, which would have happened if I'd banished them.
I fell to my bed in a fit of mental and emotional exhaustion. With the return of my memory, I was inundated with feelings of inadequacy. So many had believed my survival to be some form of Divine Will. Yet I now knew it had merely been dumb luck or bad luck, depending on how you looked at it.
When I'd caught the orb Justinia had knocked out of Corypheus' hand, I had inadvertently unleashed an enormous burst of magical power. Only my contact with the orb had saved me from the resulting explosion. If I hadn't touched it, I would have died along with everyone else or maybe no one would have died if I hadn't touched it. Maybe by picking up the orb, I had caused the explosion. Maker's breath, but it was making my head hurt.
To suspect my survival was based on bad timing was one thing, to know with certainty was another. I thought of everything that had happened since that moment, and still couldn't accept how much my life had changed by that one event.
I had followers, admirers and advisors. People looked to me for guidance and advice as though I somehow had all the answers. Me, a nobody noble from a backwater in Ostwick. The level of responsibility I'd stepped into was a burden which was beginning to wear on me. The realization that if I failed, the entire world would cease to exist was too much.
I sat up abruptly, my breath coming in panicked gasps. I had to get out of this room lest I succumb to the building wave of fear growing within me. I wanted Dorian to comfort me, yet I had sensed his tension on our return to Skyhold. I wasn't sure he was in a position to reassure me, so I headed to Josephine's office instead.
"Your Worship." She gushed. "I am so relieved to see you safely returned to us. When I heard what happened at Adamant I was very worried for you. How are you feeling Inquisitor?"
"Better now." I assured her. "Hopefully in the future, I can avoid any more accidental trips to the Fade."
"That is my hope as well and I am glad you are all right." She said, her smile warm and genuine. "Now, was there anything else I can do for you?"
"No. I just wanted to talk."
"Very well. I shall speak with you later."
After Josie, I stopped by Varric's table. He hadn't said much after Hawke had parted ways with us at Adamant. She was off to Weishaupt to inform the Wardens there of what had happened at Adamant Fortress.
"Varric." I said. "How are you doing?"
"Never thought I'd be visiting the Fade again in this lifetime. Maker's breath, I hope it never happens again."
"At least Hawke made it out."
"Yep. Closest thing to a miracle there. Anyway, she asked me to write to everyone back home - tell them where she's headed. Fenris needs to know. Maker, I'm glad I won't be doing this in person."
As Varric wandered off in search of ink and paper, I hesitated. The pull to check on Dorian was strong, but he had been so quiet after Adamant I wasn't sure what to expect from him. Kicking myself for my cowardice, I left the castle and went in search of Cassandra.
"Writing an epic tale I assume?" I teased, finding her in the barracks.
"I am no writer and I do not have the gift of blather like Varric." She said, her face creased with frustration. "I was there, in the Fade. It needs to be recorded. No more guesses about what actually happened. Yet I find I cannot find the right words. It's as though they're being recorded by a child."
"However it turns out, it's a good idea Cassandra."
"Perhaps. It is difficult to know what to say. So many things I'm not sure of. Tell me, do you think the spirit we spoke to really was Justinia? That she somehow was there to help guide us from the Fade?"
"I do. She was kind and wanted to help us."
"Thank you. I had thought you might say that. Still, I don't know if I should mention it. There are so many people who would call it heretical."
"Does it matter what people call it?" I asked. "We were there Cassandra. It should be recorded and let those who read it make up their own minds about what happened. You know people will do that anyway."
"This is true." She agreed, meeting my eyes. "Have you spoken to Leliana about what she said?"
"Not yet, no."
"I had thought to do it myself, but... Would you mind terribly if I asked you to speak to her?"
"Of course not." I said, smiling at her. "I'll go now if it makes you feel better."
"It does. And... thank you, Inquisitor. For everything."
----xxx----
I headed for the rotunda and was stopped by Solas who was looking both cross and intrigued. I was amazed he could pull it off considering how contrary those emotions were.
"Inquisitor." He said, his voice hard. "I am told you were physically in the Fade."
"I was, yes."
"Remarkable. Is it possible it was only a dream? That perhaps you merely thought you were there but were not physically in the Fade itself?"
"No. I don't believe so." I said, to which he scowled at me. What was that about? He'd asked my opinion and I'd answered. Yet he looked as though he thought I was either lying or had no authority to make that kind of observation.
"Truly remarkable." He said, his voice laden with sarcasm. "To be so certain of what you see and experience, it must be wonderful to be so self-assured of one's reality."
"I don't understand your tone Solas." I said, feeling my anger rise. "You asked me what I thought and I told you. Why are you angry about that?"
"I am not angry, though perhaps I am envious. I apologize. I did not mean to imply you are incapable of knowing what you've seen and experienced. Though I am surprised and perhaps a little disappointed you recruited the Grey Wardens into the Inquisition. I had thought what they'd done to be unforgivable."
"The Wardens were being controlled by Corypheus. I don't condone their actions, but they have more knowledge and experience with archdemons and blights than anyone in Thedas. Banishing them would not help in future if we abandoned them."
"I suppose you are right. Perhaps I was hasty in my criticism. Knowledge should never be lost or trivialized. I hope your decision proves to be a wise one. Now, I'm sure you have more important things to attend to. I will trouble you no further on this matter. Good day Inquisitor."
----xxx----
I was in such a foul mood after speaking to Solas, I backed out of the rotunda and took the other set of stairs leading to the library. I would have had to pass Dorian if I'd taken the ones off Solas' room and didn't relish the thought of explaining why I looked so cross. I knew Leliana wouldn't comment if she noticed and since I wasn't yet sure what I thought of what had happened with him, I was fine with that.
"So you were physically in the Fade." Leliana said, her voice cautious as I entered her work space. "I read your report, but I would like to hear it from you Inquisitor."
"Of course." I said. "What do you wish to know?"
"What was she like? Justinia, or her spirit... do you think it was really her?"
"She was kind and helpful and tried to protect us. I do think it was her Leliana."
"Oh." She said softly.
"Also, she had a message for you. Tell Leliana, I'm sorry, I failed you too."
"Did she say anything else?"
"No. I'm sorry, she didn't."
"I see. Perhaps we could speak more about this later? I need some time alone Inquisitor."
"Of course."
I left her to her grief and memories. She was a hard woman who did not like showing weakness. She wouldn't thank me if I stayed.
Nightingale's Eyes - Tavern Song
Dorian
He was beside himself with fear. After their near miss at being eaten alive by a dragon or archdemon or whatever that beast had been, they'd gone to the Fade. Walked there as though it were a vacation.
He was still upset Nathaniel had opened a rift and taken them there. Nothing like that had happened since the magisters of old had walked there - filled with a sense of entitlement and superiority, they had dared step foot in the land of the Maker. In response, the Maker had cast them from the Fade making them the first darkspawn. According to legend, the magisters from his homeland were responsible for the Blights that had threatened the world ever since.
He couldn't imagine what affect their presence there might have had, if any. He was terrified at the implications of how easy it had been and how much he feared anyone from his homeland finding out about it. It would be too tempting for many of them to try it for themselves, without sparing a thought for the kind of destruction they could unleash.
But most of all, he was angry. Angry with himself for falling for the Inquisitor and for making him think he had died - that he'd lost him before even getting the chance to know him. He felt weak and vulnerable and it was making him very cross.