CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN:
Bella's POV:
"Is she going to make it?" I asked Harry, quietly. Leah's curled up in a pool of her own blood, barely conscious, her eyes glassy. Small, shallow pants tear through her lips, and I can't even look at her abdomen without feeling like throwing up.
"The only thing keeping her alive right now is magic." Harry said, quietly. I chewed on my lip, hands twisting in my lap as I watched. It's been almost ten minutes since the others disappeared.
"She can't die." I whispered, reaching out and gently touching Leah's hair. My fingers come away wet and bloody.
"I won't let her die." Harry assured me. Leah shifts again, a whimper escaping her. She blinks and her eyes clear slightly then focus on me.
"J-J-J-" she breathes out. Blood dribbles from her mouth, and my stomach threatens to hurl again, but I force myself to lean closer, to hear what she's trying to say.
"You don't have to talk, Leah," Harry tells her, soothingly, but Leah lets out a whining-like noise.
"J-Ja-" she tries again, her face twisting in pain, "Ja-Jacob."
My body freezes in horror. "Did... did she just say Jacob?" I whispered, and Harry hesitates, then nods.
"Yeah. I think so." He said, quietly.
"No- no, no, no, no, no!" I shake my head from side to side, wildly, "Leah, what happened? What happened to him?" I demanded, my voice rising hysterically. "Is he alright? Leah, please!" I begged.
But Leah doesn't answer, looks like she can't. Her eyes are shut, and she's barely breathing. "Damn it, damn it, damn it!" Harry muttered, somewhat frantically. "Shit!"
"What is it?" I begged.
"I'm losing her," he muttered, "Bella use your portkey and go straight to La Push. I need to take her to a Healer."
"I thought you were a Healer!"
"I'm a trainee," Harry explains, hurriedly, as he casts some kind of charm on Leah, one I recognize but can't place, then lifts her up into his arms, like she doesn't weigh a thing. "La Push Bella- now!" he orders me, and then he disappears.
I'm standing alone, now, here in the clearing. Panicked breaths are dragging from my lungs, and my body feels too stiff to move, to obey me. Leah's dying. The Cullens and Hermione are with the Volturi. And something's happened to Jacob.
"Please be alive." I whispered, my fingers finding the Portkey. "Portus." I breathe, picturing Sam and Emily's house- Charlie might be at Billy's- and then the world is spinning around me, sickeningly. When the world stills, I fall flat on my face, on a wooden floor. Looks like I made it.
I hear noises, voices, then soft hands are touching me. "Bella?" someone's saying, over and over, "Bella can you hear me?" I manage to look up, and Emily's beautiful, marred face is looking down at me. Then I look past her, and I see him. My Jacob.
He looks so strangely fragile. So completely and utterly breakable. Spread out across the couch... there was bruising, bruising like I'd never seen before. There was blood, there was bone, bone I could see. But he was breathing. His chest was rising and falling.
Relief, horror, misery... my head was a war of emotions so intense, that I felt myself slip of the edge I was clinging to inside my head.
And everything went black.
-
When my eyelids fluttered open, I knew he was there. I could smell him, feel his hands running through my hair. My eyes met warm gold, and somehow I managed to lift my hand up so I could grasp his, still stroking my hair.
"Bella..." Edward breathed, the relief so painfully audible in his voice. I clung tighter.
"Is-" I choked up, unable to finish my sentence. Because I was terrified what the answer could be.
"Jacob's fine, Bella. He's healing as we speak. Carlisle and a French woman are looking after him."
"Fleur." I said.
"Yes, that's her name. Fleur." Edward agreed, "I'm not sure what she is. She smells... bizarre. The scent is there, but instead of burning our throats, her scent smells like fire."
"She's part Veela." I explained, then I try pushing myself into a sitting position, "they're a race of semi-humans, all gorgeous, magically seductive, plus they can throw fire when they're mad." Edward hurried to help me, and I looked around my surroundings for the first time since I woke up. "I'm in Leah's room." I said, surprised.
"Emily and Sam's house was too crowded." Edward explained, "the wolves felt uncomfortable so close to Carlisle, so several of them moved over to here. They needed all the beds so I brought you here too."
"Oh." Is all I can bring myself to say, and then a thought strikes me. "Is she alright?" I asked.
"Hermione? She's fine. She and Alice are at our house." Edward answers.
"I meant Leah."
"Oh," he said, before sighing. "I don't know, Bella. None of us do. Hermione managed to contact Harry- apparently he took Leah to their old school. Hogwarts. Said he needed a more experienced Healer to help her- Leah's injuries are... severe."
"I know." My voice sounds monotone, even to my own ears. Edward sits down on the bed beside me, and gently pulls me onto his lap, cradling me in his arms.
"It's all going to be okay," he murmured, "Victoria's gone, the army is gone, everyone's going to be okay."
I closed my eyes and leaned my head against his chest, wishing I believed him.
-
Edward drove me over to the Black's when Billy rang Sam to tell him Jacob was awake.
"I'll wait in the car." He told me, pressing his lips against mine for a moment. I nodded, and made my way into the house, to Jacob's room.
When I peeked inside, Jacob was awake and looked like he was waiting for me, his face calm and smooth. The haggard, gaunt look from before was gone, but there was no animation in his dark eyes. Thankfully someone had covered him with a quilt- it was a relief not to have to see the extent of the damage.
I stepped in and shut the door quietly behind me. "Hi Jake." I murmured. He didn't answer at first. He looked at my face for a long moment then, with some effort, he rearranged his expression into a slight smile.
"Today has definitely taken a turn for the worse, huh? First I pick the wrong place, miss the best fight, and Leah gets all the glory. Then Colin has to be an idiot and I have to be the idiot who saves him."
"You don't think that makes you a hero too?" I asked him, and he lets out a short laugh.
"No. I still think it makes me an idiot." I smiled too, and walked over so I could sit on the bed beside him. "Is Leah okay?" he asked, suddenly, "no one will tell me." I bite my lip, and reached out, stroking my hand through his hair, much like the way Edward had been stroking mine.
"I don't know." I admitted to him, "Harry took her to one of the best medi-witches in England though." Jacob sighed again.
"I should have stayed. I should have been there." My heart thudded as he said that.
"No!" I burst out, my eyes widening, my whole being shying away from the idea of it being Jacob at death's door.
"Why not?" Jacob asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Because... because then you would be hurt." I told him, "you might be... dying."
"And?" Jacob asked, his expression changing bitter, "maybe that would be better." His words sunk into my brain, slowly, one by one, and I couldn't breathe.
"What?" I just about squeaked, my expression a mask of pure horror, "no!"
"What would the difference be, Bella?" he asked, "maybe I still should. It'd make things more convenient for everyone." From the tone of his voice, I can tell which 'everyone' he's talking about.
"No!" my voice got louder, shriller, "stop this Jacob! Stop talking like this! Please!"
"I could have given up with good grace in the beginning. Instead I just made it harder for you. It'd be easy enough." He added, quietly. "Painless too. Billy's got a whole medicine cabinet full of painkillers."
All the blood has drained out of my face, and a wild sort of desperation is filling me. I can't bear this, can't bear listening to the boy I loved talk about ending his own life.
"I'd do anything, Jake!" I pleaded, grasping his good hand with both of mine. I could feel the tears slide down my cheeks. "Anything you want! Please... please don't talk like this! Don't even think like this! You c-can't k-kill-" I can't even finish my sentence, shaking my head in denial.
"Why not Bella?" He asked, his face twisted into a mocking look I hated.
"Because I love you!" The words blurted out of me before I could stop and think about the cost. Jacob's expression didn't change much, just became sadder.
"I know that, Bella. I know that better than you do."
Tears streak non-stop down my cheeks, and I'm crying so hard I'm hiccupping. "Please..." I don't know what else to say, "there's always a compromise..." His face hardened.
"Compromise? What, I can be your BFF? Best man at the wedding?" I freeze, my eyes widening.
"H-how do you know?" His face turns horrified and furious.
"What?" He growled, through gritted teeth. That's when I realized my mistake. He had been talking sarcastically. Hadn't realized that Edward and I were getting married. And this wasn't exactly the best time to break that news.
"Jake..." I don't know what to say.
"You're engaged to that leech? You're marrying him?" He demanded, voice rough.
"Yes." I whispered. He closed his eyes.
"I can't do this." He muttered.
"You can!" I pleaded, "Jake..."
"Guess this is goodbye." He says, bleakly.
"No," I shake my head in denial, "you can't!"
"Why not?" he repeats his question from before. For a second I hesitate, unsure how far I could go in my desperation to keep him alive. And then I bend forwards and slam my lips onto his.
Jacob froze for an instant, and then his lips, disconcertingly soft and warm, move against mine in strange, confusing ways. I didn't have to be careful with Jacob. Didn't have to hold back. And he was everywhere, his good arm reaching up, wrapping around my waist, holding me as close to him as he could without hurting the broken half of his body.
Why wasn't I stopping this? I wondered, as a minute passed. Worse than that, why couldn't I find it in myself to even want to stop? What did it mean that I didn't want him to stop? That my fingers were entwined in his hair, holding his face to mine in a vice-like grip.
For one brief, never-ending second, an entirely different path expanded behind the lids of my tear-wet eyes. As if I were looking through the filter of Jacob's thoughts, I could see exactly what I could have. I could see Charlie and Renee and Hermione mixed into a strange collage with Billy and La Push. I could see years passing, and meaning something as they passed, changing me. I could see the enormous red-brown wolf that I loved, always standing as a protector if I needed him. And for the tiniest fragment of that second, I saw the bobbing heads of two small, black-haired children, running away from me into the familiar forest. When they disappeared, they took the rest of the vision with them, and I finally pulled away.
I looked down at Jacob for a long moment, and he looked up at me.
I was the one who spoke first. "I need to go." Jacob's answering smile is cheeky and cheerful, just like the one I remember.
"I know. See you later Bells."
I exited the room and lean against the wall, closing my eyes. I didn't know what to think, what to feel, other then shame.
After a long moment, I wiped away the remainder of my tears, and made my way, unsteadily, through the empty house, out to the car. I felt like crying with shame and embarrassment.
Edward was standing outside the car, right where I left him, his face a blank mask. I'd forgotten he was here. And he'd heard everything.
Everything.
The tears that had finally stopped started again, and Edward blurred forwards, and pulled me into his arms. I didn't understand why he wanted to touch me, be near me, but I took advantage of his presence while I could and clutched him to me as hard as possible.
"Shh," he murmured, "shh."
"I want to go home." I blubbered, and he lifted me up into his arms. I let him place me in the seat, buckle up my seatbelt for me, then get in his side. I watched as he started the engine, turned on some soft music, then pulled out of the driveway. Finally, I couldn't stay silent any longer.
"Why aren't you angry at me?" I demanded, my voice shrill, "why don't you hate me?"
Edward lifted his foot off the accelerator, and turns to me. His hand brushed against my cheek, as warm topaz eyes met mine, filled with a gentleness. I have to look away, down at my lap. I don't deserve his gentleness.
"I'm not mad at you, love," Edward's voice was soft, "Jacob's just much more cunning then I gave him credit for."
"Huh?" I asked, while oh-so-elegantly swiping my eyes with the back of my hand.
"He would have kissed you anyway, even if you hadn't fallen for it," Edward explained.
"Fallen for it?" I mumbled, almost incomprehensibly.
"Oh Bella, my beautiful Bella," Edward murmured, "do you really believe that Jacob would end his life to clear the way for me?" I raised my head slowly to meet his patient gaze. His expression was soft; his eyes were full of understanding, rather than the revulsion I deserved to see.
"Yes... I did believe that." I muttered, before having to look away again. I knew I should feel angry at Jacob for tricking me, but there wasn't enough room in my body to contain anything besides the hatred I felt toward myself. Edward laughed softly.
"It's not your fault- you're such a bad liar, love, that you'll believe anyone who has the least bit of skill."
"Why aren't you angry with me?" I pleaded, "why don't you hate me? Didn't you hear the whole thing?"
"I did hear it all, love. But you're only human." He whispered, stroking my hair.
"That's the most miserable defense I've ever heard."
"But you are human, Bella. And as much as I might wish otherwise, so is he. There are holes in your life that I can't fill. I understand that."
"But that's not true!" I burst out, "there are no holes! That's what makes me so horrible!"
"You love him." Edward said simply, gently. Every cell in my body ached to deny it.
"I love you more." I said. It was the best I could do.
"Yes, I know that, too. But... when I left you, Bella, I left you bleeding. Jacob was the one to stitch you back up again. That was bound to leave its mark- on both of you. I'm not sure those kinds of stitches dissolve on their own. I can't blame either of you for something I made necessary. I may have gained forgiveness, but that doesn't let me escape the consequences."
"I should have known you'd find some way to blame yourself," I muttered, "please stop... I can't stand it."
"What would you like me to say?" he asked.
"I want you to call me every bad name you can think of, in every language you know. I want you to tell me that you're disgusted with me and that you're going to leave so that I can beg and grovel on my knees for you to stay!"
"I'm sorry," he sighed, "I can't do that."
"At least stop trying to make me feel better. Let me suffer. I deserve it."
"No." He murmured. I nodded slowly.
"You're right. Keep on being too understanding. That's probably worse." I waited and when he finally spoke again, he was whispering.
"I love you Bella, and I'm not going to make you choose between Jacob and I. Just be happy and you can have whatever part of me you want or none at all, if that's better. Don't let any debt you feel you owe me influence over your decision."
"Dammit!" I shouted, shoving him in the chest as hard as I could. He didn't even move an inch, obviously, just looked at me with surprise. "Stop that!"
"No- you don't understand, Bella. I'm not trying to make you feel better, I really mean it!" I laugh, the sound more emotional then humorous.
"I know you do, Edward! And that... that's why I love you. That's why I choose you! That's why I want to be your w-w-, dammit, your wife, and spend the rest of eternity with you!"
Edward moves too quickly for me to register, and suddenly I'm on his lap, in his arms, and we're kissing, kissing frantically.
"I love you, I'm so sorry, I love you, I'm so sorry, I love you," I'm telling him over again, whenever we break apart so I can breathe.
"Shh," Edward says, rubbing circles on my back, "I know, love. I know."