Dark thick lashes lay gently against high cheekbones, the once lively smooth tan skin having paled but only slightly, hair in a complete disarray like usual. The firm broad chest rising and falling with deep breaths, the black comforter that lay atop it moving along with him. The top of the white medical wrap they'd plastered onto his wound peeking from atop the comforter. He lay calmly in his massive bed, that looked almost ordinary with the inhabitance of his large frame.
I titled my head back slightly, trying to get in a deep breath, despite the windows being open and the large room I felt absolutely suffocated. As if I hadn't gotten in a lungful of air in weeks. I was depraved of it, and how I craved it. It was as if something heavy rested on my chest, perhaps the guilt. The knowledge that it should have been me struggling for life, but he wasn't ordinary like me, he had survived a shot right to his chest that had very narrowly missed his heart, I wouldn't have been so lucky. I was a smaller target. It was what James tried to convince me as tears had trailed down my cheeks. But there came a time when the tears ran out. When there were no more, and in their wake they left a shallow despair, an aching sorrow, an empty void right in my own chest. It hurt so much more. That silence was much worse then the loud sobs. Crying was an outlet.
My mother always said it was as if you had an ocean of sadness within you, drop by drop it leaked from your eyes, freeing your soul from its drowning depths. How I wish I could cry again, but perhaps I deserved this pain. Xavier had been shot and yet it was my chest that ached, it was true, love was pain. But only because now you weren't just one person, you felt the pain of the person that held your heart between their hands. You felt their pain, strikingly within your own chest, perhaps magnified.
I reached out a trembling hand, resting it gingerly on the hot skin of his forehead. He was so very warm always, even in this state he was burning up, it's why the doctors had advised to leave him without a shirt. My eyes lolled back slightly as my skin came in contact with his, and I allowed my hand to trail down, resting it on his arm that rose and fell steadily along with the movements of his chest. Yet safely away from the wound. Assuring me ever so quietly that his heart was still beating, he was still breathing. Xavier was alive.
"Raine." A deep smooth voice called softly. Allowing my hand to fall from his chest, I turned around to face the person who had called my name. James stood inside the doorway, his eyes on the spot that my hand had previously been. He cocked his head to the side looking at my face.
"Are you alright?" He asked softly as he came to stand beside my chair.
"I'm fine." I said quietly, it was almost rehearsed, robotic throughout the years the amount of times a person said they were fine without meaning it, it became second nature.
"Come with me." He requested softly, and I got up from my seat, following him out to the hallway.
"Look, Raine you've been great for the past few days, I know you care about him, despite what you saw. He may be in a coma, but I'm sure he knows what's going on. He needs you here, and he'd kill me when he wakes up and I've let you leave. It's still dangerous for you out there. I don't want to have to force you Raine, please just stay here, be there for him. You're all he needs." James says, his eyes narrowed in scrutiny, carefully assessing every part of my face, waiting for any sign I was unwilling to cooperate.
"I'm not going to run, I'm not going to leave him when he's like this. You don't have to worry about that." I answer softly and his eyes widen in surprise at my words. I hadn't verbally responded to anyone in days, I murmured to Xavier sometimes, and I'm sure they knew, but I hadn't spoken to anyone else since that night.
"Thank you." He says, nodding his head.
"I-I know none of us are your favourite people at the moment, but if you need anything Raine you can tell me, or anyone here. Nobody would refuse you, besides the whole leaving thing." He adds sheepishly after a moment of contemplation.
"You might remember my wife Alia, if you'd like I could call her. I'm sure she'd be glad to see you again. Maybe you could speak to her, spend some time with her." He says. There wasn't a need for them to find alternatives for the people that I generally spoke to, who they'd informed I had gone away with Xavier for a little while.
"No, thats not necessary, I'm alright." I answer without looking into his eyes. I didn't like the way he looked at me, the sympathy, it irritated me. The scrutiny, as if he was afraid I'd just run away, no matter what I'd seen, no one was able to leave the one they loved alone in such a state. But he'd never understand, at least I hoped he wouldn't.
No one deserved to feel this way, the consuming ache in my chest, every time I looked at him, every time he crossed my mind, the memory of him walking around his home. The very power in his movement, in his walk, in his being, comparatively to the way he lay motionless. All because he'd loved me too much. The overbearing guilt, the knowledge that the bullet was so clearly meant for me, it was to be my fate that he suffered now. One's own pain was nothing in comparison to watching your beloved in pain, it hurt so much knowing he was hurting. Knowing it was my fault, despite how much I'd wanted to get away, I should've been smarter about it, listened to him. He was right, I was in danger, he had been trying to protect me.
The yearning, for him. For him to come back to me, the way he'd once been, the way I hoped fervently he would again be. It was different to be separated from the one you love, then to know they no longer were, then to know they were suffering. It was so very different. The knowledge a loved one was out there, alright was a comfort, a luxury of its own in their absence, in your separation. But the knowledge of their suffering was a torment, an imprisonment, that allowed for absolutely no freedom from the worry that caged you in.
I turned away from James, walking back into the room in which Xavier lay. My eyes raking over his motionless form. After the fatal wound, his body had placed itself into a temporary coma in order to recover, how long this recovery would take, no one knew. In the past for some it could take up to years. But Xavier wasn't just anyone, he was the man that upon being shot, hadn't even looked at his wound and instead kept his eyes on mine. Wiped my tears, whispered he'd loved me in what could have been his very last breath. He wasn't some ordinary man, and neither was his love. His heart would continue to beat for it was strong, so very strong as was his love. He would awaken, and soon.
I settled myself into the chair once more, keeping my gaze on the rise and fall of Xavier's chest, wanting so badly to rest my head against the warmth of it. To hear his heartbeat, to feel it against my skin, but I couldn't. His wound was still fresh, as were the stitches, that could harm him, reopen his wounds. I also had no right to touch him, although at times I couldn't resist, I needed to know he was there, he was alive and I wasn't hallucinating. I swallowed thickly as a knock sounded on the door, turning once again to look at the intruder.
The doctor stood there, looking at me expectantly, waiting for me to allow him in. He was a relatively tall man, thin, his sweater and jeans covered by a white doctor's coat and I wondered if those were always necessary. He was a middle aged man, and the hairline of his dark hair was beginning to recede. Cole and James stood behind him, Cole's cold eyes staring at me blatantly, he still held a certain dislike for me. Xavier's injury had only strengthened it, rightly so.
I nodded at them, getting up from my chair and plastering myself against the wall as to stay out of their way. The doctor moved the chair, beginning his regular check while James and Cole stood on the other side of the bed. James offered me a small smile as he caught my eye, although it didn't reach his eyes. They remained dull and filled with worry. He crossed his arms across his chest as he looked back over to Xavier and the doctor that was very gently probing at the area around his chest.
I let my eyes drift over to Cole, blinking in surprise at his cold accusing stare. That was another person that clearly held me responsible for Xavier's current state, perhaps the only one besides myself. A part of me hoped Xavier would too. It would simply be so much easier. It would be so much easier to separate myself from him, if I saw discontent for myself in those stormy grey eyes of his. Instead of the adoring soft silver they always melted to when on me. I didn't know if I was capable of simply walking away from him now, it would be so very difficult for me now. My heart belonged to him, I'd been so ready to join my life with his, while he had taken so many. That wasn't something I could forget, but so wasn't the way his eyes had stayed trained on me in what could've potentially been his last moments. I couldn't ignore how I had been the last thing he wished to see. His love for me the last thing he wished to declare. It was said a dying man never lied, and he had so clearly told me the truth. He loved me, with all of his being, that he had been so very ready to sacrifice for me. But what of the being he'd taken the life of. How was that ever justified. How would I ever justify my love for him.
But that was the very problem, it was the mind that needed justification, that needed reason. The heart, it didn't need any of those, it simply knew how to love, how was I to explain to the heart that it's love was unjustifiable, wrong. How was one to explain that it was wrong to love the one that had so easily decided to sacrifice himself for you. I owed him my life, and he already owned my heart. How was one to separate themselves from such a man. But how was I to forget the look in his eyes when he'd stolen the very right to live from another, he hadn't even batted an eyelash. The only time that stormy gaze I'd fallen for had filled with regret, was for me having seen his crime, not for the commitment of the crime. But those eyes had also filled with an overbearing amount of love for me, melted into that sweet silver as he gazed at me in his last conscious moments.
I'd always thought it necessary to follow your heart, but never had my heart and mind been so at battle. That was surely but what was I to do when my mind was beginning to give in. A fragmented fractional part of it, but even the existence of such thought was frightening. The mind asked for proof, the proof had been his gaze that stayed so unwaveringly on me even as his heartbeat had slowed, as the bullet had pierced his skin, bedding itself within his chest. The proof had been in his last words, in his last breath that he spent on his declaration of love for me.
"Ms.Pierce." The doctor called breaking me out of my reverie, and only then did I notice he had been speaking to us, but I hadn't even noticed.
"As I was saying, he is recovering quite quickly, but such things have quite the effect on one's mental state as well. So far it's a clean quick process, but that could turn around, such things are indefinite. Mr.Night should be quite alright physically, but his self induced coma is something I can not say anything about." The doctor says, gathering up his supplies and putting them back in his briefcase.
"Ms.Pierce, you are looking quite pale, are you alright? Would you mind terribly if I performed a quick check?" The doctor says turning to face me and I stare at him bewildered, I was always pale.
"I'm fine that won't be necessary." I said quietly and he nods, looking a bit unsure, but doesn't press it.
"Just let him check you." A deep voice sounds from across the room and I look up to meet cold blue eyes.
"If he wakes up and realizes the princess is unwell it's our throats he'll go after." He says, making my fists clench at his words. I was no princess. I'd always absolutely despised that endearment, it sounded so very entitled and precarious, pretentious, it had always bothered me.
"I said I'm fine." I mumbled.
"That's what you say but you look moments away from collapsing, we already have one person in a coma thanks to your carelessness, the last thing we need is another, especially the boss's precious little angel." He says mockingly, and my eyes sting as tears make their way up, without my consent. The overbearing guilt making it a bit difficult to breathe. I couldn't control my tears when I was frustrated, or upset a mixture of both and I was quite basically helpless.
"I know, but I'm fine I'm always pale." I whisper out, staring at my feet, not wanting anyone to see my tears. I try not to blink, but as my eyes fill up, a tear escapes making it's way leisurely down my cheek for all to see.
"You asshole." James growls at Cole, elbowing him out of the way as he makes his way towards me past the bewildered doctor who stands frozen near the bed. James rests his hand gently on my shoulder and I stiffen under his touch.
"It wasn't her fault." He barks at Cole.
"She doesn't know, if any of us would have seen that we'd have the same reaction you know how he is with her, she's never seen something like that ever, and definitely never from him. You don't get to blame her, anyone would have tried to run, she's an innocent, treat her with some respect, if not cause of that then because she means so much to the boss. If you have even an ounce of respect for him, you'd have some for her too. He'd kill you if he knew you made her cry, you know he would." James says to Cole, who's accusing glare slowly turns into a frown and he turns away from me cocking his head at the poor doctor, gesturing for him to follow as he makes his way out of the room.
"Raine it wasn't your fault, you know that right?" James asks me gently. I look up into his eyes, tears falling from my face onto the bare skin of my collar bone that the large sweater I wear fails to cover, and I shake my head at him slowly.
"It was my fault, if I hadn't been an idiot, Xavier wouldn't be hurt. If I had run just a little faster, he wouldn't have gotten to me and the bullet would hit have hit me like it was supposed to. Don't you see it should've been me in his place, I push him away and what does he do, he goes and puts his own life in danger to protect me. He didn't even hesitate not even for a second, he didn't have that long. If I'd been more aware of my surroundings, or if I hadn't let him push me out of the way it'd all be okay, I wouldn't be feeling this way right now." Perhaps it was my lack of sleep, or the gentle way James looked at me reminding me so much of Jay, comforting brotherly Jay, but I rambled it all out. Everything that troubled me and kept me from sleeping at night.
"He's a strong man, the strongest I've known but I know for a fact that he would crumble if something were to happen to you. Not cause you're a weakness, but because his love like him is strong, courageous, extraordinary. It's not your fault, it was an accident it's no one but that shooter's fault and I swear to god I will find him. He will pay for what he did. You have no reason to feel any guilt. I know he would gladly lay his life down for you, he did what he wanted to, as he always does. But he has his reasons, I wish you'd allowed him to explain but I understand how difficult that was for you. Seeing the man you love do something like that, but I promise he has his reasons. Reasons that's it isn't my place to give, but please Raine when he awakens allow him to explain to you. Give him a chance, he's a good man." James says and I bite into my lip, nodding staring down trying to will the tears away.
James lets out a soft sigh, wrapping his arms gently around my shoulders, he tugs me into him, patting my head softly as I hunch closer into him. Allowing his brotherly comfort to calm me and eventually stop my tears.
"He's going to be fine, I promise." James mumbles softly, unwrapping his arms from me allowing me to pull away. He reaches into his pocket handing a white coloured handkerchief, with a soft smile and I grab it from him offering him a nod in gratitude. I wipe my tears with it, brushing it against my nose as I sniffle.
"I'll wash this and get it back to you." I mumble to him into the handkerchief and he nods, patting my head once more before leaving me alone with Xavier.
"I'm sorry." A familiar deep voice says and I look up into blue eyes, that though still cold are no longer accusing, but that disappoints me. I deserved the hatred, to be accused for what had happened the sympathy made me feel worse.
"It wasn't your fault, I shouldn't have said that, it's wrong to blame you." He says and I nod at him.
"Thanks." I mumble quietly turning back to Xavier, nearly jumping when Cole's deep voice sounds out again.
"He cares for you a lot you know. What happened wasn't your fault, but it will be if you don't listen to him when he wakes up. Give him a chance, at least let him explain." He says his voice unwavering but his eyes pleading and I find myself nodding.
"I will, I promise I'll give him a chance to explain, if he wishes to when he awakens." I say looking unblinkingly back into his eyes, and he nods as he finds no hints of dishonesty in my eyes.
"Thank you, Raine." Cole says, nodding at me before making his way out of the room.
I turn back to Xavier another tear leaking from my eye, I really hoped he'd still wish to explain when he awoke. I'd be there to listen, one couldn't run very far from love, the heart was bound tightly to it's beloved.
A/N--------------------------------------------------
Hello my lovelies, this may not have been what you all were expecting especially in comparison to the previous chapters but this was important. I hope you guys liked the chapter. I really should have been studying but I was just really in the mood to write, although the next week will be very busy. So hopefully the next update will be soon but most probably it'll take a bit longer then a week. Have a great night my lovelies, I hope wherever you all are, you're extremely happy, and your year is going well.