I've never came across a person who made as many mistakes in life as me. I mean ever. Every time I looked up I was doing something wrong. I just continued to have fuck up after fuck up. I continued to do dumb shit and I honestly couldn't even tell you why. I just kept fucking up and I had got to the point where it was no fixing this fuck up. I had truly dug myself into a hole I couldn't get out.
It had been a little over a week since that night with Chres and I honestly was still stuck. Stuck in my feelings on what I had done. I couldn't believe that I had fell for his bullshit. That in just a few seconds I allowed him to sway me over. I was just caught in the moment and my emotions had got me. Just being in that room with him and having all those emotions coming on to me all at once had got me. It truly did. Being face to face with him after lord knows how long had my feelings at an all time high. I hated his ass so much, but at the same time I missed him. I missed him when I shouldn't have been.
I feel like Chres knew what he was doing too. He knew his motive when he came into my room and I am mad at myself that I fell for it. I allowed Chres to trap me in that moment and I fucked up. I fucked up so bad and I knew it. I should've never slept with Chres. That didn't help our situation. That didn't make me feel any better. That didn't change my mind. They didn't even make me want him anymore. If anything it just made things weird. It confused him and I wish I wouldn't have fell for his trap.
I felt like literal shit the moment Chres left my room that night. I literally felt so pathetic. Right after hours of angry, emotional sex with Chres, my mind immediately went to Jacob and I mean immediately. I know that's kind of weird and crazy, but it did. It went to Jacob because I knew how wrong I was. I knew what I had just done was wrong. I knew I shouldn't have slept with Chres. Not only was sleeping with him no good for myself, but I was also hurting someone I loved so much in the process. I was fucking up something that hadn't even truly started.
Lord was I a mess. I had been a mess since that night. I literally feel so wrong. Every time Jake came to my mind I sighed because I knew I was wrong. Even though Jake and I weren't in an official relationship, I still knew better than to go sleep with Chres. What made the situation even worse was that it was Chres. My ex who I couldn't quite get over. How could I be so damn dumb?
I just didn't know how I was going to tell Jacob this. I didn't even know how I was going to face him. Whenever he had a chance to talk on the phone I was telling him I was busy. Whenever he wanted to FaceTime I wasn't answering, making up an excuse as to why I didn't. I just didn't have it in me to talk to him yet. I knew I would have to tell him and I wasn't ready to. I honestly didn't know if I could. I felt terrible. Even though we weren't together I knew better than to be doing him like that.With no doubt in my mind I loved Jacob and I knew he was put into my life because he is who I am meant to be with. I just was just still stuck on someone who was toxic to me.
I sighed to myself, leaving the court as the paparazzi were trying to swarm me. They had all those damn cameras in my face as they asked me a thousand questiones. I just dodged them all, hopping in my truck and driving off.
I was so over this process at this point. I felt like I was going to court every week and I was over it. Ontop of that, they weren't saying anything I wanted to hear. Even though my attorney presented so much evidence in court that could help me, the jury and judge wasn't really caring about it. All they saw is that poor girl's face and my recent behavior. They just had their mind set on me and I knew the outcome of the situation wouldn't be anything I liked. I literally had one more court day which would tell me what I am convicted of. I was nervous as hell about it and you could probably tell. I looked stressed.
I pulled up to the damn near empty house, not knowing what to do. That house had became so damn empty it was ridiculous. Zonnique and her girls had packed up a few days after that incident with Rayan and I and headed right back to Atlanta. They were so damn heated, it was crazy. Especially Zonnique. She went so hard on Rayan and from what I heard I think she was even putting her hands on him. She really was hurt and felt betrayed by him which I didn't understand how. She did that exact same thing to me and she knew the type of guy Rayan was, so I didn't understand why she was so surprised. I honestly was just glad they had left. The energy in the house was so different with them gone. It was still a lot of tension, but it wasn't as much with them gone.
I could see a call coming through and it was from Jake. I immediately sighed, biting down on my lip as I thought of a lie I had to tell him. Sitting there the guilt was just eating me alive. I hated lying to Jake and I hated that I had put him and myself in a position like that. I hated that so much. I just had to hold out a little while longer to figure out how I was going to tell him.
I shot him a text saying I was in the studio and he just let me go from there. I honestly didn't know if Jake had peeped my behavior or not because he never said anything. He just continued to check up on me and left it at that. I was glad about that because I knew the moment he would've started pressing me I would've folded and ended up telling him everything over the phone and I didn't want to do that.
I made my way into the house, shutting the door behind me before making my way into the living room where I could hear the girls.
"He's really bugging the fuck out."I heard Shi say, catching my attention.
"Word, he's losing his shit."Nae added as I stepped through the door. The moment I did they looked straight up at me, giving me their undivided attention. They didn't say another word which immediately made me frown cause I knew what was going on. I knew who they were talking about and why they suddenly didn't have anything to say.
"Don't stop talking because I walked in"I said bothered by that. The girls never used to act like that before. Regardless of what the situation was, they never talked about it behind my back or acted as if they didn't want me to know. So, I defiantly wasn't feeling this this day.
"Dani."Gabby let out softly.
"It's about Chres isn't it?"I said, knowing that's what it had to be. The girls hated bringing him up to me or speaking on him around me. They said every time he was brought up it fucked up my energy and mood, I honestly couldn't see it back then, but now sitting here today it most definitely did.
"Yeah."Shi admitted before sighing.
"What is it?"I questioned, taking a seat. I don't even know why I wanted to know. I still found myself caring about his dumbass.
"They're talking about releasing him from the group."Shi admitted making my eyes grow wide just hearing that. I don't know why that sounded so shocking. I guess I just wasn't expecting to hear that in hat moment.
"Really?"I said, not knowing how to feel bout that.
"Yeah."Gabby assured me.
"Well, why are they doing that?"
"You know he's been tied up in some bullshit lately. I don't listen in much when it comes to him, but Prod told me about how he's been acting crazy as hell and some producer he'd been working with says he tried stealing his shit from the studio and his car."Shi said making me even more shocked. I knew Chres could get crazy, but I didn't think that crazy. Stealing? He had dropped that low.
"Are you serious?"I said not knowing what else to say or do.
"Yeah. They don't know if the producer is going to press charges or not. Walter said he's just getting out of hand and the whole....baby situation just changed the guys whole image. They don't know if he is a good fit for the group anymore."Shi admitted making me sit there with such a shocked look on my face.
I don't know why I was acting so shocked this day because I already figured something like this would happen. I always knew Chres crazy lifestyle would catch up with him. I guess I was just shocked at how crazy Chres' life had become. Chres had became a chicken with its head cut off since our breakup. From what I found out, Chres had been acting up since we broke up. He first started talking crazy to management, going off at events, sometimes not even showing up to events and just acting crazy in general. Sort of like what I was doing, but he just was being caught by the media even more than I was. He had just been out of hand and everyone noticed it.
"Nah, y'all need to chill out!"I heard Prince say, catching my attention. The girls and I both looked towards the entrance hearing how loud it had became. I could hear a door swing open and some more chaos pour out from there.
"I just can't keep dealing with this unstable ass house or these difficult muthafuckas."Prod said as he made his way out the door, slamming it behind him. I know I looked so shocked in that moment. That was my first time ever seeing Prod upset.
"Babe."Shi let out softly as she stood from the couch. That didn't stop Prod though, he continued to walk out the front door, slamming it behind him. That's when I knew he was truly upset. Prod would never ignore Shi. She meant the world to help and he would never purposely ignore her. I didn't know what had happened, but I knew it had definitely got to him.
I don't know why or how, but everything just seemed to be falling apart around me. I mean everything. From our personal lives to our images. From our group to the guys'. From the household to each of our relationships with each other. Everything was just falling apart. The girls and I for some reason became so rocky. The guys were literally falling apart. Ray and Chres were at each other heads which was causing problems within the group. Prod was beginning to be fed up with everything that was going on. Prince couldn't work because everybody else was so unstable. It was just a mess. And somehow I felt like I was in the middle of all of that. I felt like I was the cause for everything.