I Need To Change

Chapter 75

I don't think people realize one simple text with words of encouragement can make a person's day. Simply telling a person how beautiful they are can give them a purpose. Can make then feel worthy. Being kind and thoughtful can just make the next person's life much easier. With everything I was dealing with, I most definitely needed this type of positivity around me.

I had never felt this low before in my life. When I say low, I mean low with my dignity, self worth, and spirit. I literally felt like the scum beneath someone's shoe. My self esteem was at an all time low. No matter how many times I heard I was beautiful or how many times I tried saying something encouraging to myself, I just couldn't find it in me. I felt so dispirited.

As expected, that same day those pictures of Game and I got all over the internet. I mean all over. It had got to the point that major media companies like TMZ had picked it up and was discussing it on tv. It was just something that shook the media and I expected that. I guess I just didn't expect to get as much hate as I got. I of course knew people would talk crap about me, but I didn't expect them to go in like they did. I had people going as far as telling me I should kill my self because I was a disgrace to my family. I was a disgrace to young girls looking up to me. I didn't deserve to live because I was a disappointment. Hearing things like that had of course bothered me. It had bothered me a lot and I honestly couldn't take it.

I had to delete all social media from my phone. I mean everything down to YouTube. I honestly couldn't deal. The things they were saying was so cruel and as hard I was trying not to read what they were saying or pay much mind to what was going on, I couldn't help it. It was literally everywhere. Every time I looked up those pictures were posted everywhere with crazy headlines and even crazier comments. I just couldn't take it, so I deleted social media deciding that would be best.

I also stopped even leaving the house. I mean partying and all. Every time I stepped out there was cameras in my face and I didn't want to deal with that. So, I felt it was best to just stay inside and try to find myself a little. Ontop of that I needed to cut back on all of that partying anyway. I had been drinking so much that it was beginning to take a toll on me. I woke up one morning so sick that I had to go to the emergency. They told me it was alcohol poisoning and that humbled me a bit. I was really risking my life for some temporary happiness and it wasn't worth it. So I stopped going out partying, stopped drinking and stopped that crazy behavior all together.

I couldn't continue to stay thinking on that situation though. Just like with everything else in my life, I had to move on. What good was it going to do me to stay stuck on that situation? I had too much going on in my life to be stuck on one thing. Plus it was a fling that literally lasted a month and it didn't mean anything to me. I had no choice, but to move on from that messy situation.

I let out a breath as I sat on my balcony, eating lunch Shi had picked up for me. My balcony had became everything to me. I found myself sitting out there for hours, not doing a thing but staring up into the sky and thinking about life. It was therapeutic and was definitely an escape for me. I can't even lie, since deleting social media I felt a bit better. I felt a bit of relief. Lord knows those littles apps were stress alone. Without them I was able to actually live and think for once. I could deal with things on my own and not have a thousand people throwing their opinion in as well. Life seemed much simpler without it.