CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE:
Bella's POV:
I couldn't stop thinking about what Hermione had said this morning- 'well it wasn't the first time, and it certainly won't be the last time'.
Edward had always been so strict about setting limits, boundaries. 'I don't want to hurt you', 'it's not safe'... and I had accepted that. But Hermione and Alice had made love, and Hermione was unscathed, looked perfectly satisfied, and was even making jokes.
I wanted that. I wanted that intimacy, before I wasn't human anymore. Weeks. I had weeks left. And before I was a vampire, I wanted him. Even if it was just once. Sex, I found myself realizing, was one human experience that I didn't want to miss out on.
On the car ride back to my house, I didn't speak, didn't say a word, I was so wrapped up in my thoughts. I didn't even notice Edward had pulled over until we were parked on the side of the road, and my hands were in one of his, his other hand tilting up my chin to look in his concerned, golden eyes.
"Bella, are you okay?" he asked, looking worried. I gave him a wobbly smile.
"I-I've got a lot to think about." I tell him.
"Tell me." He murmured, squeezing my hands ever so gently. "Let me help." I feel the blood rush to my cheeks, as I think about actually doing it, actually telling him what I'm thinking.
As I struggled to find the exact right words, he tilted his head slightly, seeming a touch confused. "Your heart is fluttering like a hummingbird's wings," he said, "are you alright, love?"
"I'm great!" I basically squeaked, blushing even harder.
"Bella... you're worrying me," he frowned, "please... just tell me what you're thinking!" I take a deep breath.
"Okay, I want to talk to you about that whole marriage thing- you know, the whole ridiculous you'll only be the one to turn me if I marry you first." Edward's mouth twitched into a smile.
"It's only ridiculous to you, love." He chuckled, pressing a soft kiss to my knuckles.
"Edward," I take a deep breath, "let's just clarify your prerequisites. And then we'll discuss mine." He raised an eyebrow.
"I wasn't aware you had any prerequisites besides being turned." He said, his voice a mixture of confused and curious, "and you know what I want." He reminded me, and I pulled a face.
"Matrimony."
"Yes," he smiled a wide smile, "to start with." The shock spoiled my carefully composed expression.
"There's more?" I squeaked, eyes wide.
"Well," his voice, his tone was cautious, his words carefully chosen, "if you're my wife, then what's mine is yours... like tuition money. For Dartmouth." I cringe slightly thinking about my recently received acceptance letter that I was 95% sure Edward paid for.
"Anything else?"
"Well... I wouldn't mind some more time."
"No! Absolutely not! That's a deal breaker right there!" I just about growl, and he sighed longingly.
"Just a year or two?" I shook my head, my lips set in a stubborn frown.
"Move along to the next one."
"That's it. Unless you'd like to talk cars..." He grinned widely when I grimaced. "Now what did you want? I'm extremely curious." His voice was low and soft, "I honestly didn't realize you wanted anything other then being transformed into a monster."
I paused, staring at my hands in his. I still didn't know how to begin. I felt his eyes watching me, and I was afraid to look up. The blood began to burn in my face and his cool fingers brushed against my cheek. "You're blushing?" he asked in surprise. I kept my eyes down. "Please Bella, the suspense is painful." I bit my lip.
"Edward... I'm a little worried... about after." I admitted, without looking at him. I could almost feel his body tense, but his voice was gentle and velvet.
"What has you worried?"
"All of you just seem so convinced that the only thing I'm going to be interested in, afterward, is slaughtering everyone in town," I confessed, while he winced at my choice of words, "and I'm afraid I'll be so preoccupied with the mayhem and thirst that I won't be me anymore... and that I won't... I won't want you the same way I do now."
"Bella, my love, that part doesn't last forever," he assured me. Darn it- he was missing the point entirely.
"Edward," I said, nervous, staring at a freckle on my wrist, "there's something I want to do before I'm not human anymore." He waited for me to continue, but I almost physically couldn't, I was so embarrassed. God, why couldn't he act like a normal, sex-obsessed male, I silently raged.
"Whatever you want," Edward encouraged, anxious and completely clueless, as I stayed silent.
"Do you promise?" I asked, knowing my attempt to trap him with his words was not going to work, but unable to resist.
"Yes." He said, and I looked up to see his eyes were earnest and confused. "Tell me what you want and you can have it. Anything." I couldn't believe how awkward and idiotic I felt. I was too innocent- which was, of course, central to the discussion. I didn't have the faintest idea how to be seductive- I would just have to settle for flushed and self-conscious.
Damn, I really should have asked Hermione for advice. She managed to get Alice in bed in just over a month- well, I assumed it was her, seeing as I really couldn't picture Alice seducing Hermione in that way- and here I was, two years down the track, and still woefully pure and un-violated.
God, it was terrible.
"Edward," a deep breath, and finally looking up at him, meeting his eyes. "I want you."
"I'm yours." He said, smiled, still completely oblivious. I took a deep breath and shifted forwards in the car seat so I was leaning over the gears, and wrapping my arms around his neck, kissing him. I had no intention of actually having sex with him in the car, but I had an inkling that it would take more then just one conversation to get him to agree to sleep with me.
Edward kissed me back, bewildered but willing. His lips were gentle against mine, but I could tell his mind was elsewhere- trying to figure out what was on my mind. I decided he needed a hint.
My hands were trembling as I unlocked my arms from around his neck and slid my fingers down his neck to the collar of his shirt. The shaking didn't help as I tried to hurry to undo the buttons before he could stop me. His lips froze and I could almost hear the click in his head as he put together my words and actions.
He pushed me away at once, his face a mixture of disapproving and shocked. What a way to make a girl feel good, I thought sourly. "Be reasonable Bella."
"You promised- whatever I wanted." I reminded him, without hope.
"We're not having this discussion." He glared at me. My teeth clamped together.
"Well I say we are."
"I say we're not." He rebutted, flatly. We glowered at each other.
"You wanted to know." I pointed out.
"I thought it would be something faintly realistic."
"So you can ask for any stupid, ridiculous thing you want- like getting married- but I'm not even allowed to discuss what I-" while I was ranting, he pulled my hands together to restrain them in just one of his, and put his other hand over my mouth.
"No." His face was hard. I took a deep breath to steady myself. And, as the anger began to fade, I felt something else.
It took me a minute to recognize why I was staring down again, the blush returning- why my stomach felt uneasy, why there was too much moisture in my eyes, why I suddenly wanted to just get out of the car and run as far away as I could. Rejection washed through me, instinctive and strong.
I knew it was irrational. He'd been very clear on more then one occasion that my safety was the only factor. Yet, I'd never made myself quite so vulnerable before, and I scowled down at my lap and tried to vanish the reflex reaction that told me I was unwanted and unwantable.
Edward sighed. The hand over my mouth moved under my chin and he pulled my face up until I had to look at him. His expression quickly turned horrified. "Did I hurt your feelings?" He asked, sounding shocked.
"No." I lied, the escaping sob not doing much to convince him. So quickly that I wasn't even sure how it happened, I was on his seat, on his lap, in his arms, my face cradled between his shoulder and hand, while his thumb stroked reassuringly against my cheek.
"You know why I have to say no," he murmured, "you know that I want you, too."
"Do you?" I whispered, my voice full of doubt.
"Of course I do, you silly, beautiful, oversensitive girl." He laughed once, and then his voice was bleak.
"Then tell me if I have anything wrong," I whispered, "your demands are marriage" -I couldn't say the word without making a face- "paying my tuition, more time, and you wouldn't mind if my vehicle went a little faster." I raised my eyebrows. "Did I get everything? That's a hefty list."
"Only the first is a demand. The others are merely requests."
I continued on as if he hadn't interrupted. "And meanwhile, my lone, solitary, little demand is-"
"Demand?" he interrupted, suddenly serious again.
"Yes, demand." His eyes narrowed. "Getting married is a stretch for me. I'm not giving in unless I get something in return." He leaned down to whisper in my ear.
"No," he murmured, "it's not possible now. Later, when you're less breakable. Please Bella, be patient." I tried to keep my voice firm and reasonable.
"But that's the problem. I won't be the same when I'm less breakable. It won't feel the same when I'm less breakable. I've never, ever had sex before, Edward. I don't want it to be something I regret, and it will be. It will, because I know there are human things I won't experience, and this doesn't have to be one of them. I don't want this to be one of them!"
Edward took a deep breath. I was surprised it sounded a little unsteady. "Bella, I could kill you." He whispered.
"I don't think you could." Edward's eyes tightened.
"I could crush you with one hand." I glared.
"That's not what I meant. I know how strong you are."
"What did you mean, then?" His eyes were intent on my face as I struggled to explain.
"Obviously, not that you aren't physically able to hurt me, if you wanted to... more that, you don't want to hurt me... so much that I don't think you ever could." He started shaking his head before I was done.
"It might not work like that, Bella."
"Might," I scoffed, "you have no more idea what you're talking about than I do. But we know it's possible! Alice managed it, Edward! More then once! Hermione's in one piece and happy and I want that too! Please Edward... it's all I want. Please." I closed my eyes in defeat, waiting for the quick and final no. But he didn't answer immediately.
I hesitated in disbelief, stunned to hear that his breathing was uneven again. I opened my eyes, and his face was torn. "Please?" I whispered again, my words tumbling out as I rushed to take advantage of the sudden uncertainty in his eyes. "You don't have to make me any guarantees. If it doesn't work out right, well, then that's that. Just let us try... only try. And I'll give you what you want," I promised, rashly, "I'll marry you. I'll let you pay for Dartmouth, and I won't complain about the bribe to get me in. You can even buy me a fast car if that makes you happy! Just... please!"
Hi icy arms tightened around me, and his lips were at my ear; his cool breath made me shiver. "This is unbearable. So many tings I've wanted to give you- and this is what you decide to demand. Do you have any idea how painful it is, trying to refuse you when you plead with me this way?"
"Then don't refuse." I suggested, breathlessly. He didn't respond. "Please?" I tried again.
"Bella..." he shook his head slowly, but it didn't feel like a denial as his face, his lips, moved back and forth across my throat. It felt more like surrender. My heart racing already, spluttered frantically. "One condition." His voice was soft.
"What?" I asked, cautiously.
"Out of the two of us, which do you think is more unwilling to give the other what they want? You just promised to marry me before you do any changing, but if I give in and we make love, say tonight, what guarantee would I have that you wouldn't go running off to Carlisle in the morning? I am- clearly- much less reluctant to give you what you want. Therefore... you first."
I exhaled with a loud huff. "I have to marry you first?" I asked, in disbelief. Edward nodded, face set.
"That's the deal- take it or leave it."
"How did this happen?" I grumbled, "I thought I was holding my own, and now, all of a sudden-"
"You're engaged." He finished. I blanched.
"Ew! Please don't say that out loud!" I shuddered.
"Are you going back on your word?" he asked, his expression now entertained. He was having fun, I realized, and I glared at him. "Are you?" he pressed.
"Ugh!" I groaned, "No! I'm not! Are you happy now?" His smile was blinding.
"Exceptionally." I groaned again and he raised an eyebrow. "Aren't you happy at all?"
"A little bit." I admitted, grudgingly, "but not about getting married." I added, before he could say anything else.
"Do you get the feeling that everything is backward?" he laughed, "traditionally, shouldn't you be arguing my side, and I yours?" I gave him a reluctant smile.
"There isn't much that's traditional about you and me." I reminded him. He smiled at me.
"True." I wrapped my arms around him, and leaned my cheek against his shoulder. There was nothing traditional about us at all, what with vampires and werewolves and witches... but, to be honest, I wouldn't want it any other way.