Dedicated to MaleneJ for being my rock<3
Chapter 41
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."
- Richard Puz
Lea’s POV.
I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked okay I guess. You could still see the bandage on my neck even though I tried to find a dress where it wouldn’t show, so I let my hair hang loose to try and cover it up. “Are you sure you can do this?” Jake asked coming up behind me. He had sad eyes and his tie was a mess.
I turned around and undid his tie giving him a small smile “Yes I’m sure, you don’t have to worry. It has been a little over a week now and I’m healing fine.” I reassured him while I tied his tie around his neck.
“Okay. But if you’re hurting just the slightest bit tell me and I’ll get someone to drive you home.” He demanded before looking at his tie first realizing now what a mess he actually looked like. I stepped aside from the mirror and let him fix his hair and put his shirt down in his pants.
“I will I promise. But I want to be there for you plus I want to be there as well.” I said taking his hand in mine and leading him out of his room and out in the kitchen where we found James sitting in a chair in a suit as well. He gave Jake a timid smile before he got up and went to get his coat and we all walked out of the door. We drove to the church without saying anything. There weren’t really anything to say. We arrived a few minutes before Emily and Leo showed up with Sasha. She was wearing a hat with a veil in front of her face, trying to hide what a mess she looked like. I went over and hugged her first. I felt so bad. If it hadn’t been for me she would still have her mate by her side. As I hugged Leo I saw Jake awkwardly hugging his mum. He hadn’t really talked with her since his father died. I had tried to get him to go to her. But I couldn’t get him to leave me at the hospital. Honestly I thought that he just didn’t know what to say to her. We went inside and went up to the front row and sat down. I sat down between Jake and Leo taking Jake’s hand in mine. The church was as slowly starting to fill up with people but I didn’t pay much attention to them, instead I just looked at the white coffin were John was lying.
As soon as the priest started talking Sasha started crying as well as Emily. He talked about John, what an amazing leader he had been. How he loved his children more than anything, and how his wife was his life. It was hard to hear and see all the people around me crying as well as listening to the lovely words about John. He had helped me a lot in the short time I had known him and I owned him my life. But most of all it was hard to see Jake, I could see he was hurting but he refused to cry. If I didn’t know him as well as I did I would never have noticed that he actually wasn’t paying attention to what the priest was saying but more trying to not think about what was going on. When the priest was done Jake got up together with Louis, Emily, James, John’s beta and Jake’s uncle to carry his coffin out. Emily was crying really hard but she wanted to carry her father out. Louis had tears sliding down his cheek as well as John’s brother. You could see that both James and his dad had cried but had now stopped. The only one who hadn’t been crying was Jake. He did however not show any emotions on his face at all.
When they had put his coffin into the car that would bring his coffin to get cremated we all went back to the pack house, or what was left of it. The fire had burnt down quite a bit, the pack had tried so built up as much as possible so that we had a place to gather after John’s funeral. Sasha was standing in the front room with her parents close around her and Jake’s grandparents by her side thanking people for coming. I was inside with Jake, his sister and Leo. We were just standing there by the coats making a little small talk but the atmosphere was dark and heavy.
“I’m going to go to the bathroom and then see if everything is going as planned in the kitchen.” Jake said releasing my hand before walking away. I knew he needed some time alone, so I just smiled before walking away from Leo and Emily, I knew she needed him right now.
“How are you holding up?” Derek asked walking over to me slowly.
“Okay I guess. I’m more worried about Emily and Jake. They don’t seam to cope well either of them.” I told him honestly. It would be good if Emily could try and cry a little less. This past week all she had been doing was crying. I got her I did, but like this she was never going to go on in life. Jake was a whole other case. He opposite his sister hadn’t cried once this week, he almost never showed any emotions regarding his fathers dead and didn’t really talk about it.
“Yeah I have noticed. But I’m sure they’ll get through it. But how are you holding up? You almost died not many days ago and now you’re running around taking care of everyone. You need to think about yourself as well. How are your wounds? And don’t you want to cry over John?” Derek asked me with that stern look of his he always gave me when I did something without thinking it through, but this time I didn’t see a reason for him to give me that look. I send him one back and he lowered his eyes.
“I’m fine Derek stop worrying. My wounds are heeling fine and as long as I don’t run around or do any big movements they don’t hurt. And well I don’t remember when I last cried at a funeral. We have been to too many funerals with the IW. It never get’s easier to watch, but it gets easier to not cry over them.” I told him quietly.
“But Lea, you don’t have to run around and do everything, you shouldn’t. And it’s okay to cry over him.” He told me letting his hand run up and down my arms.
“Yes I have to. It’s my fault that he died. If I haven’t come back here none of this would have happened. If I haven’t told you guys about all of this then you would have never gone with me. If I haven’t told Jake he would never have told his dad and he would still be breathing. He would be here with his family and his pack that needs him. He’s deed because of me.” I told him sternly letting my thoughts out.
“Lea.” Derek started in a low and loving voice but I cut him off shaking my head and walked away. I knew he would say something to try and make me see that it wasn’t my fault. But it didn’t matter, I knew it was and nothing he could say would change that. I moved through the crow of people until I got out in the garden where I saw James sitting down in the grass looking over against the forest.
“Hi there.” I said as I came to a stop beside him. He looked up and gave me a small smile before turning back to look at the forest. “Why are you out here all alone? Are you alright?” I asked sitting down beside him in the grass. As I did I had to suck in a breath of air, I had completely forgotten about my wound.
“Just thinking. I don’t know what’s worst. Loosing your mate after having her or him in your life for years, letting your love grow every day and create a life together. Or loose your mate before you get to know her or him. Before you get to really know them to the core or show them just how deep your love really is.” He said quietly not looking away from the spot his eyes seemed to be focused on. “Anyway I feel for her, I know what she’s going through right now.” He almost whispered looking down.
I felt a knot form in my stomach and hesitated before I said anything. “What do you mean James?”
“Shit I thought Jake had told you with me being his second in command?” He asked looking at me, when I shook my head no he let out a sight before running his hands through his hair. “Well I don’t really know how to tell you this. I have actually never really told the story to anyone before.” He stopped and took a deep breath. “I met my mate small 3 years ago now, not long after you had left.” He started. “She moved here because of her studies. She wanted to become a lawyer. John asked Jake to come and meet her and he dragged me along.” He stopped for a moment and smiled. “Funny enough I didn’t want to go. But as soon as I stepped into John’s office she had my heart. To begin with I just stood there and took her in. She had beautiful dark brown hair and brown eyes. I was completely captured by her, frozen to the spot just looking at her. Until I realized she wasn’t looking at me, like I didn’t exist. I started to panic, what if she had someone else, what if she didn’t want me? What if it was only me who could feel the bond?” He gave a small chuckle and looked down at his hands.
“Jake, being him, had noticed and was quickly catching on. He introduced me to her, her name was Rachel, and asked if I could show her around the pack house while he had a quick word with his dad and he would catch up. It turned out I had nothing to worry about she was just shy because I was her mate and she didn’t know what to do with herself. She was amazing. She would have been incredible as a lawyer, she could argue her way out of anything it was insane. To begin with she would be kind of shy but when you got to know her it was a different story. If you first became friends with her she would be loyal till the end, she was sweet and caring and straightforward. She challenged me like no one ever before have. She could make me laugh or talk with me about serious stuff.” He pause and chuckled. “The only bad thing I would be able to say about her is that she had way too much clothes, I don’t think I have ever seen anyone with more. Or no I have to take that back, Lizzie has more. But anyway she loved clothes and loved to go to small places and find clothes other people didn’t have. When she smiled or laughed she could brighten up my whole day. I have never felt as happy as when I was with her, I was complete with her by my side.” His face darkened and I knew what came next wouldn’t be good.
“After 6 weeks it was time for her to go home and visit her family. I wanted to go with her and meet them, but she hadn’t told them about me yet, only her sister, she wanted to tell the rest of them face to face. So we planned I would come with her in two weeks time. I wanted to do it right you know, get her fathers permission before I marked her. I wanted to take my time with her, treasure her, really get to know her and get her family’s approval.” He stopped and I saw the tears in his eyes started to fell. “I never saw her alive again after that day. A truck drove into her car and she died instantly. Even her being a wolf wasn’t enough, at least she didn’t suffer.” He was crying and I couldn’t stop but pull him into my arms. “I never got to make love to her, to feel her under me, in my arms. I slept beside her a few times and I think about her every time I go to bed, how she felt in my arms. Jake was with me all the way, letting me be by myself helping me as well as he could and letting me do whatever I wanted for months after that. I haven’t felt whole since then, don’t think I ever will, but it’s slowly getting more bearable. I knew she would want me to live and be happy, but it’s hard without her.” He stopped and got out of the trance he had been in and hugged me back before sitting up slipping out of my arms. “So I don’t know if it’s better or worse to know how your mate feels, to know them inside out. But I’m sure it hurts just as much.” He finished and I sat just staring at him having no idea what really to say.
“I’m sorry James, you don’t deserve this. No one does but especially not you. I know it’s far from the same, but I got rejected by mine remember? It’s horrible but I’m sure not as bad as loosing your mate to death. My point is that I found love, and I’m not talking about Jake now but Derek. I really did love him with all of my heart, it may not be like when you’re with your mate but it’s just as wonderful and I know you can find that as well. You may not be ready now, but someday you will be and then I suggest you go out there and find that person who can make you smile and brighten up your day. Someone who can challenge you like she did. Someone you can sit beside for 10 hours in silence without it ever getting awkward, but at the same time someone you can talk with for 10 hours without it ever getting boring. Find her and keep her with you.” I said trying not to give him pity but hope. I hated how people have given me pitying looks almost all my life and knew that was not what you wanted.
“Thank you Lea, I’ll think about what you said. And thank you for listening, it was good to tell someone about her, someone who didn’t know her, to be able to tell you what an amazing person she was.” He said with a timid smile. He turned back to looking at the forest and I joined him. I don’t know how long we sat there in silence, but at some point Emily came out asking for me so I got up to follow her inside with James following as well.
As soon as we got inside Lizzie came up to us handing over a list to me. I looked down at it and saw it was a bill. Apparently Jake had disappeared, they wouldn’t give it to their mum and Emily had no idea of what the catering firm had written down was correct. Emily and I was about to leave when I saw Lizzie glare at James and my heart when out for him. ‘Lizzie treat him nicely today. I don’t care that you’re mad at him, if you’re close to him today you’re sweet or you stay away.’ I send her walking away but not before I saw her surprised face and a short nod from her side.
As soon as I had taken care of the cater I went to find Jake. I had a small hunch that he would be in his dad’s office. I knocked on the door before I walked in and found Jake sitting at the chair in front of the desk where visitors normally would sit. “I couldn’t get myself to sit down in his chair, it just doesn’t feel right.” He said without turning around to look at me.
I walked over to him and took his hand in mine and pulled him up from the chair to give him a hug. “I know. It’s going to take a long time, but maybe someday you’ll be able to use his old chair as your own.” I offered with a small smile. “Come on people are looking for you, plus the food is ready.” I informed him and he nodded before putting his arm around my waist as we walked out of the office to join the others.
As we entered we noticed we were some of the last people who needed to sit down. I looked around and found two empty seats beside James and Lizzie. They were sitting with some others wolves I hadn’t seen before. But as I got eye contact with Lizzie she smiled to me and pointed at the seats beside them. As we sat down everyone became quiet and I knew they were waiting for someone to say something. No matter what, when we all were together like this someone from the alpha family would say something. I saw Sasha look at Jake before he stood up and looked around to everyone.
“Thank you all for coming today. I know you must all be just as shocked as I am over the sudden death of my father. He was an amazing dad and a leader I’ll always look up to. He died too early. We shouldn’t all have been here today. If anyone should have been buried today it should have been me, but my dad is lying here instead. But I promise this will be the first and only time I’ll ever let anyone die for me.” He said taking a small break. “But if anyone of you have a good story about my dad then please feel free to stand up and share and help putting a smile on all of our faces.” Jake said before sitting down again. After hearing that my heart dropped. That was why he was behaving like he was, he was feeling guilty. I looked over his shoulder and got eye contact with Robert. I hadn’t seen much to him since the fight. He had let me rest, get better, before he was going to talk with me about my family and old pack and all that had happened. I knew he was anxious to talk with me about it. But right now I needed to be there for Jake and pull him out of this. I knew as soon as I got home we needed to talk.
Sorry for the late update. I just haven't had the time in my life. But I have now looked trough all 40 chapters and the story is now 23 pages longer. Plus here is the new chapter. It's not that long but better than nothing.
Can anyone help me out understanding how this is possible? So chapter 1 had 10.000 reads. But chapter 11 and 22 has 12.000. And everything in between had 4-5.000 reads. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE????!!!?!?!?
The story is soon coming to an end as weird as that is! I can't believe that I have over 200.000 reads now! So insane. I just want to thank you all for reading and voting and commenting. Means so much to me!
Until next time xx