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Wednesday, October 9th
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I suddenly woke up when I felt my pillow becoming too warm for me. I guess I had forgotten to turn the heated blanket off at some point in the night. Although I don't remember falling asleep. Then I heard a groan.
My eyes fly open and I see Ambrose' face close to mine. I let out a soft gasp and pushed myself away from him. When the hell did I fall asleep on Ambrose and how did we get into this position?
There's three knocks on the door, "Ms. Evangeline, dinner time!" Varushka yells through the door. I hear her footsteps retreat.
This wakes up Ambrose and he looks at me confused just as I'm looking back at him confused.
"Sorry for falling asleep on you," I say sheepishly. My cheeks burn at the realization that I had cuddled up with a boy that wasn't my boyfriend.
It was the first time that I actually fell asleep over the last few days. For once I didn't dream about Ethan, or feeling like I was stuck repeatedly dreaming about that day. Being with Ambrose brought a huge sense of comfort to me and it made me feel warm inside.
But I couldn't get used to that idea. Ambrose was just a friend. He was only there for me because I asked him to.
It's fine. He signs. I'm actually wondering why you were crying?
He rubs the sleepiness from his eyes like a toddler would and looks at me with a concerned look. I would ask that question too if someone just broke down in front of me after giving them their belongings.
"Can we not talk about this?" I say, already fidgeting with the hem of the sweater, "Not until I feel ready to do so." I basically say the last part in a low voice, hoping that he wouldn't hear.
He slowly nods, his eyes not leaving my face. I didn't ask for an explanation when he was brooding in his room, so why should I give him one if I'm not ready? Seems fair, right?
"Would you want to stay for dinner?" I ask, hoping that changing the topic wouldn't lead him to pester me to talk.
I guess the nap was longer than I thought, the clock was already reading 8:03 p.m.
He shrugs and then nods his head after he thinks about it for a second. He gets up from my bed and moves around me to head for the door. I follow close behind not before I kick the shirt that was on the ground, under my bed, hoping to forget the reminder.
As we head down stairs, forgetting my embarrassing mental breakdown, Ambrose stops in his tracks midway down the staircase, and turns to look up at me with a panicked expression. He quickly looks into the dining room and looks back up at me.
"What's wrong?" I ask.
I actually can't stay. I forgot I had plans with Siouxsie.
I don't get to say anything else as he rushes out of my house and slams the door shut behind him. Roman pops his head around and furrows his brows at me.
"Who was that?" He asks.
"My neighbor," I reply, still staring at the door as if Ambrose was going to come back inside.
I ignored the empty feeling that gathered at the pit of my stomach, convincing myself that it was due to the feeling of hunger and not that he left me for Siouxsie. It was such an odd feeling after doing something close and what others may describe as intimate and then leaving like nothing happened.
Well I kind of did make it seem like that was all nothing. I refused to even speak about why I was crying. I didn't want to tell him anything just yet. It was embarrassing and humiliating. What would he even say? Surely he wouldn't be able to comfort me because he doesn't understand what I went through.
I shake my head from those thoughts and make my way to the dining room where Varushka has set the table up for dinner. Surprisingly Josh was already sitting in his seat, texting away with an earbud in his ear. There was never a day where Josh wasn't listening to music and ignoring all of society as he does his daily things.
I sit in my seat across from Josh and Roman sits at the head of the table, next to Varushka. I was actually surprised that Roman accepted the dinner invitation when I told Varushka to mention it to him. So we all sat at the table at what looked like a wannabe replication of our actual family.
Sometimes Josh and I didn't have both parents available at the same time to eat dinner together. Sometimes it was always just Varushka and us sitting alone at the table, talking about school and upcoming events.
Josh and I weren't strangers to the feeling of an empty house and just the echoes of silverware clanging against the dishes. It was strange, however, to have both parents ask questions about things that had already passed.
Like last week when my dad asked about Homecoming. I had to tell him that the dance had already passed and mom had to show him pictures. He was at work all day in his office juggling three clients who were big socialites.
I wish my dad was here when I was packing my overnight bag, maybe he would've stopped me from doing so and not let me stay at Ethan's house. 'You're not allowed to stay at a boy's house,' he would've said.
Then I would've just called it a night and maybe invited Maya for a sleepover or something. Maybe in a different universe that was the outcome.
"So, at what age did you come to the states?" I ask Roman.
"I was born here," he says, sipping on his drink, "my sperm donor only impregnated my mom and left us to fend for ourselves."
"Roman!" Varushka scolds, muttering something in Russian under her breath.
"Oh," I say, in a surprised tone, "where did you live?"
"I've moved around a lot. First it was Miami, then it was Houston, then it was up in Detroit, and then currently in Florence," he says.
"You live in Florence?"
Roman nods his head. "With Dimitri," he says.
Dimitri. His name sounded familiar now that I kept hearing it a bunch of times. I racked through my brain the entire time trying to figure out the source of where I first heard that name. It wasn't from Varushka, because she just recently told me about these brothers.
No, it was from Ambrose. On the night that I saw him with that giant bruise on his face. He told me himself that Dimitri was the one that punched him and wanted to give a message.
"You went to school there?" I ask.
"He was kicked out of the high school for fighting so he finished his education at the institute," Varushka says, giving Roman a disappointed look. "Who continues to fight and cause an uproar at the school."
I chuckle at their dynamic. "How old are you anyway?"
"Seventeen," Roman says, "I turn eighteen in December."
"Wow, you're old," I say. Then I realized what the fuck I had said. "Shit, I didn't mean it like that."
Roman chuckles. Revealing a secret dimple on the left cheek. "Late birthdays are a burden here. I was unfortunate to start school late."
There had to be a huge difference between Roman and his brother. There was no way someone like Roman could be exactly like his brother. The boy in front of me wouldn't just go around and beat up people. Dimitri had to be the one that was infiltrating his mind. Just thinking about that made me nervous to even meet the guy.
I'm sure he was probably more intimidating and scary looking than Roman. Hell he would probably kill me over something small, like looking at him. I would have to do my very best to avoid meeting this infamous brother. How would I do that if I didn't know what the hell he looked like? It would all be left to fate.
"You got that right," I say. My birthday was next month, on the 15th and I had no plans for that day.
Usually every year I make a wish list of things that I want. Whether it be a shopping spree, a trip, or specific items that I've been eyeing. Then it's accompanied by a party that my parents throw. This time, I didn't want anything. Perhaps maybe one thing; my dignity.
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Thursday, October 10th
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I stood timidly in the school's hallway alongside Aurora. She was supposed to be back yesterday from her suspension, but didn't feel ready until today.
"I'm scared to hear what people are going to say," she says beside me. "I know it's not me, but people will still talk regardless."
"Fuck what they have to say. You and I both know the truth," I say. I inhale a big breath to settle my nerves.
"Sit with me at lunch?" She asks.
The bell goes off and the hallway is filled with teens.
"I'll see you at lunch," I say, nodding my head. I give her an encouraging smile and she does the same.
We both head our separate ways until I hear the intercom summoning my name to the office. I head to the office, already about to be late to the first class.
"Mr. Vince wants to see you," the secretary says.
I head into his office and I'm surprised to see Jane sitting in one of the seats.
"Ah, there she is!" Mr. Vince says, sitting down in his chair with a mug in his hand.
"What's going on?" I ask, confused about why Jane was even here in the first place.
"Take a seat," Mr. Vince says, "there's some important things we need to discuss including your absence."
I sit next to Jane who's also wearing a puzzled look so I feel a bit relieved that she also doesn't know why she's here.
"I know that you were sick these past few days, but those days that you were absent, you missed a lot," he says, "You missed multiple quizzes and even failed to attend the club meetings."
"I was able to catch up when a classmate gave me my assignments," I say.
He shakes his head. "You understand the rules and the policy. If you fail to pass any of your midterms that are taking place before Thanksgiving break, you will be forced to step down from your class president position."
"But who will be class president? Her vice?" Jane asks.
Jane didn't get the Vice President position, instead it was given to someone, April Palmer. Who happened to be best friends with Jane.
"No," Mr. Vince says, "I've decided that the position will go to the candidate that had the second most votes. Which is Jane."
Jane shifts in her seat and I could see from my peripheral vision that she's smirking.
"I don't think passing my midterms will be a problem, sir," I say. He was unbelievable and incredibly unfair.
"Just because you are my top student and you are applying to prestigious schools, doesn't mean that I will be going easy on you. If your grades drop drastically in one or more classes, I won't hesitate to put Jane in that top position."
My world can crumble into dust in a fraction of a second.
I was raped—I wanted to yell out.
How can I take days off to let my mind and body heal if I'm expected to act like nothing happened once I'm back. My future was dangling in front of me and Jane was laughing beside me like it was some kind of joke.
"I understand," I say.
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"I don't think anyone stopped looking at me all day. Like if they were waiting for me to rip my shirt open and expose myself," Aurora says, disgust written on her face. She glares at one of the guys that were making a sexual gesture at her.
"Don't worry, those are usually the guys that peak in high school and have nothing else for them. Once they get old their bodies aren't the same and the women will leave them for someone with money," I say.
Ethan's buddies walk away laughing to themselves as they all head to the cafeteria.
"Oh, here comes Ethan," Aurora says, politely smiling at Ethan.
My body freezes and I internally panic but it's too late. I can't hide from him, I can't do anything but stand there and wait.
I felt an arm snake around my waist and my body stiffened as I smell Ethan's cologne. I feel him press his lips to my cheek. "I missed you," he says quietly.
I force myself to push down my tears, slow my heart rate, and plaster a fake smile on my face.
"Aurora," Ethan averts his eyes for a second. "How are you doing after...the picture?" He asks, trying not to say something offensive.
Aurora opens her mouth for a second before she finally says something. "It's hard. I lost my audition because of it. So now I have to find a way to be busy and add something to my application."
"Totally sucks. I mean sometimes things happen for a reason," he says. He looks at me, something deep in his gaze that's indescribable. Danger? "Right?"
I didn't know what he meant at first and then he tightened his grip around me. He was referring to that night.
What could justify what he did to me? A lesson to be learned? His way of saying sorry for cheating?
"I'm sitting with Aurora for lunch," I say sternly. I move away from his touch as if the heat would burn holes in my clothes. "I'll see you around." The words feel like a sticky residue in my mouth that doesn't taste right. I give him a fake smile to seal the deal and he just nods.
He doesn't seem too relaxed, but I take it as he won't ask further questions or say something that'll make things awkward between us, especially if Aurora doesn't know the context.
Not that she needs to know, unless I muster up the courage to tell her. Although I probably should. She's one of the few friends I have in this school that isn't fake. I can count on Maya, but telling Tiffany is a whole different story.
I can only imagine the shit she would spew from her mouth as the rumors fly up and down the corridors of this school.
So I sat with Aurora at her table where mostly dancers took up the space. I'd have to say that the vibe here was much calmer than my table, except for the part that most of these girls weren't even eating.
I was the only one that had something on my tray that was identified as food. Aurora only had a bottle of water, some celery sticks and grapes. The other girls also had something similar like a diet coke and two almonds or a sweet tea and a granola bar.
"Do you guys not feel hungry?" I ask in a low voice.
"This is just my first snack of the day," Aurora says, "I already ate." She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and munches on her veggies like a little bunny.
I never really noticed just how strict ballerinas' diets were. I don't think it was humanly possible to just survive off of this, right?
"Are you going to the carnival that's popping up?" She asks.
"What carnival?" I ask.
"The one in Cherryville? I think they have a huge pumpkin patch this time and they're adding some cool mazes and stuff," she says.
"When is it?" I ask.
"I think it's only going to be there for the last week of October," she replies, "I'm sure Ethan would want to go."
I quickly put my half eaten sandwich down at the loss of my appetite. It takes strength in me to swallow what was in my mouth like a big dry pill. I cringe as I do and it substitutes the feeling with disgust and nausea.
I didn't want to be with him or seen with him.
"I'll have to ask if he wants to. I know he's always busy with football," I say.
My eyes wander around the cafeteria and I come across a table filled with a cluster of random students that don't really fit together. One of them surprised me when I saw him sitting there at the edge of the table, minding his own business.
Ambrose was sitting with his earbuds in and absorbed with the book he was reading. I never really paid much attention to his appearance until now. His hair was getting longer, the ends were just barely touching his shoulders. His sharp features seemed more attractive to me the longer I stared at him. I never realized just how pretty his eyes were, the hazel color and long lashes were an unbeatable combo.
I had grown so used to Ethan's blue eyes that I now found them to be boring—not worth staring into.
I think Ambrose felt a pair of eyes burning into him that he looked up and pinpointed who was staring. Our gazes meet and his pouty lips turn upwards into a small smile, if you squint your eyes.
I return the smile and something in the pit of my stomach makes me antsy in my seat. No, it couldn't be. I have a boyfriend. It couldn't be butterflies in my stomach that I was feeling.
Shit, I think I was beginning to like being around Ambrose.