sitting here in class, i could hear the extremely loud ticking of the clock. maybe i was zoned out to the point that, that's all i could hear. fuck, was it loud.
my elbow resting on my table as my head laid ever so gently in the palm of my hand, watching Alyssa up at the front of the room. i felt as though everything was moving in slow motion, especially her lips as she spoke so elegant about such a subject.
a few gestures of the hands here and there as she spoke, pointing to the board a few times. watching her, i couldn't help but grin, my heart thumping against my chest. soft rhythms of my heart was felt inside of chest as my heart steadied.
i watched Alyssa in pure awe, damn she loves teaching.
the pure joy that ran through her veins whenever she's up at the front, teaching a general lesson. the joy in face, her honest facial expressions, seeing her lips curve into a smile.
to understand that classes and school was coming to an end was heartbreaking. a part of me was a bit sad but i was excited nevertheless. id never get to come back to class and bug Alyssa, like old times..id really miss that. but i will never miss the threats, i will never miss losing Ava..never. Ella really crossed the line with such things, at least she's in jail though.
as i took a breather, i felt a slight nudge on my arm which caused me to pull myself out of my thoughts. shifting my head to the right, my eyes landed on Ava, a worried expression upon her face as her brow rose.
"you alright..?" was the first question that fell from her mouth as her eyes never left mine. "you spaced out again, were you thinking or..?"
i nod, gathering my belongings as i stand up from my chair, "yes, i was just zoned. thank you for asking, love."
looking up, my eyes landed on Alyssa as she sat at her desk, eyes piercing her desktop. focused, i watched her spin the pen between her fingers, gnawing on her bottom lip. i could only assume she was entering the grades.
"hmm, are you gonna go talk to her or just stare at her? class is over."
chucking softly, i pulled my attention back to Ava, "Ava, really?"
"yes," she blurts a bit, shoving me lightly. "you cannot just stare at that women and expect her to read your mind."
i grin, hanging my head down low for a split second, "well, for your information, there's nothing on my mind right now."
"oh yeah?" she questions, cocking her brow as she watched me as if she was reading me. "what were you thinking about a few minutes ago?"
"how school is coming to an end and how Miss. Adams love teaching," i pause, looking up at Alyssa once more, my heart fluttering inside of my chest just slightly. fuck, i felt like i was melting. "how im never gonna get the chance to come and bother her anymore and how we're soon gonna go out separate ways.."
Ava shifts in her seat, pulling herself up she wraps herself around me tightly, squeezing my body. "baby, i don't care what happens, im never going to leave you. as i told you in high school, we're in this forever, you're stuck with me."
i grin, embracing her firmly, taking in her lovely scent, "i appreciate that, Ava. i appreciate you so much."
"mhm," she pops me, causing me to laugh. pulling away, she tilted her head just slightly as she pointed discreetly at Alyssa. "go. ill be in Eli's dorm, okay?"
i nod, not bothering to say anything back as i watch her walk away, inching closer towards the door before walking out. sighing, i inhaled sharply as i grabbed my things, making my way over to Alyssa.
"Miss. Lance," Alyssa spoke, causing me to grin as i watched her shift in her seat. her eyes pulled away from the computer screen, they landed in mine and i felt like i was going to melt. "what made you stay back, again?"
"is it not obvious?" i questioned, causing her to tilt her head. pulling a chair up to her desk i sat in it, resting my elbows down on her desk.
"why aren't you spending your last few days with Ava?" Alyssa questions, frowning her brows as she watched me closely.
"i am, i am. but she told me to come over here and talk to you..since i was kind of stared at you half of the hour."
"kind of? you were watching me the whole hour, i tried to keep myself calm because i didn't know if you zoned or were actually watching me."
"half and half," i shrug slow, laughing softly. "how've you been though?"
she shrugs, leaning down against her desk on her elbows. "ive been okay, trying to finish out the last few days, you know?"
i nod, "i do, yes. im going to miss this place, i can't lie. the people here aren't that great but we have some nice people. the experience was lovely, i loved it here."
"that's good, that's good. im glad you enjoyed your college experience. it went by fast, didn't it?"
"yes! like Alyssa i was just a freshman," i sigh, a smile appearing upon my lips as i watched her. pulling myself out of the chair, i tucked my bottom lip, "i enjoyed it though, i really did."
"good, im proud of you," Alyssa smiled, pulling her chair back as she pulled herself up from her desk.
our eyes falling upon each other's, my eyes danced her face as the tension rose. my hands resting on her desk, the silence fell upon us as our eyes never left once another.
shit, im melting, or was i..?
"you look amazing," i spoke eventually, gulping down hard as i inched closer.
"you as well," she gnawed on her bottom lip, tucking it in as her breathing hitched just slightly. "are you going to kiss me or not..?"
as those words left her mouth, a knot inside of my stomach formed as nervousness filled my core. shit, shit, shit, why was i nervous? ive kissed her before, multiple times at that.
inching closer, my lips smashed upon hers as instantly i felt such a great amount of passion between us. though the kiss was quick and slow, it lit the fire inside of me just right.
pulling away, i stared into her eyes, watching her at a standstill as her eyes shined. my eyes never leaving hers, my hand inched up her chest and into her breast, my fingertip lightly trailing down her cleavage, roaming it ever so slowly.
after trailing my fingertips down the center of her cleavage, i placed my thumb on the top of her breast, my heart thumping rapidly as we stood at a standstill.
"you're cute," Alyssa spoke eventually, scaring me just the slightest. "did i scare you? im sorry."
i grin, shaking my head as i remove my hand, "you're okay, i should get going anyways, see you soon?"
she nods, "see you soon."
quickly, i leaned forward placing a kiss upon her ear before running off like a little kid.
•••
making my way through the graveyard, i approached my moms stone slow, smiling like a little kid as it came into view. standing over her stone, i shifted my head over to Ava whom stood to my right, "go ahead, speak from your heart.." she says, motioning me to continuing.
not sure of what to say, my eyes stayed out on her engraved name as my fingertips traced it ever so gently. i tried my best not to cry but holding your emotions only made them worse, hell, i don't need that.
a few tears running down my face, i scrunched my nose as i quickly rubbed my face, wiping them away. "uh, hi mom.." was all i could speak, nothing else coming to mind nor falling from my lips. "ive missed you..so much. but today isn't a sad day, i just came to talk to you, ive missed you. i graduate soon and honestly, i never thought the years would go by as fast as they did. i wish you were here to enjoy it with me but i know you're resting well," i grin, sitting my thump on the 'j' in Josie.
"having Ava by my side made life a bit more easier and i honestly cannot express to her how much i love her," i sigh, another tear running down my face. "though i like we're gonna split and that breaks my heart."
a sudden embrace, i felt Ava's arms around my body, embracing me tightly, "baby, im never leaving you, i promise."
stuffing my face into her shoulder, i held onto her tightly, squeezing her body, "i feel like an emotional baby.." i chuckle, wiping my face as i pull myself from under her.
cupping my face, she held my face as her thumbs stroked my cheeks gently. "you're fine, really, you need to relax. it's okay to cry, i promise."
"no," i sigh, shaking my head as i pull my attention down to the ground. "im tired of crying, it's so exhausting.."
"i know, i understand," her thumb resting under my eye, she placed a kiss upon my forehead. "but hey, listen to me, im right here, im not leaving you, i can promise you that."
"thank you," i grin, a soft sigh escaping my lips as i lay against her gently.
•••
February fifth, 2014
February fifth, my dads birthday. he never really cared for anything but mom and i always tried to make it special. especially since him and her spent most of their birthdays in the hospital.
it was something i couldn't get over, something that stuck with me. most of their birthdays, i had nearly lost them both but with my head high and my hope higher, they managed to stay alive, thank goodness.
i couldn't lose them, they were all i had left..
of course they always made me feel better about the situations but it was alone when i felt my heart hurt worse. alone with my thoughts and my assumptions, i felt the most vulnerable. i felt uncomfortable and unsteady, to a breaking point. some nights were better than others but the usual nights i felt the world crashing in on me, crushing me to the core.
pulled from my thoughts, i felt my body began shaken, blinking a few times my eyes soon landed on Ava, "yes, yes, yes?? why are you shaking me..?"
"because you zoned.." she uttered, a worried expression across her face. "are yo-are you okay..?"
i nod, pulling myself off of my bed as i walked off into the bathroom, "yes, i was just thinking.." turning that water on, i placed my hands under the cold water, feeling a chill run down my spine. shivering just slightly, i shifted my head to my right, watching Ava in the doorway of the bathroom before pulling my attention back to the sink. "is my dad downstairs?"
"mhm, yes," she clarifies.
splashing a small amount of cold water upon my face, i on turned the water off before going over to the towel rack, drying my hands. exiting the bathroom, i look back at Ava, "ready?"
she nods, a smile appearing upon her lips as she watched me closely, "yes love, ive been waiting on you."
grinning, i looped my arm into her as i made my way out of the room and down the stairs, practically dragging Ava along.
down the steps completely, i let Ava around go as i motioned for her to continue, slipping off into the kitchen. reaching off in the fridge, i grabbed a water before making my way back into the dinning area where everyone else stood.
"happy happy birthday!" i blurt, rounding the corner. watching my dad, i watched him smiled as he rose up from his seat, walking over to me. embracing me tightly, he began squeezing me gently, "happy birthday, dad, i love you."
"i love you so much more, sweetheart," he spoke, his soft voice ringing throughout my ears. "and thank you, i appreciate you."
"you're welcome, you're welcome," i smile, pulling away from the hug. scanning the room, my eyes landed on my mom whom stood a few feet from me.
"can i get some love?" she asked, tilting her head just slightly as she smiled. extending her arms, she watched me.
leaping into her arms, i embraced her tightly as i rubbed her back, "of course you can, mom, of course."
"ah, she gave me love first!" dad shouts, instantly getting a side eye from mom.
"Matt, shut the hell up," she says, pointing a finger.
pulling away from the embrace, i watch the two of them, "hey," i say, looking between the two of them, shaking my head. "enjoy your birthday and cut the pettiness."
"him first," mom jokes, chucking softly as she immediately covers her mouth, smiling.
shaking my head, i made my way over to Ava, throwing myself onto her, "see what i have to deal with? these grown, kids."
she laughs, wrapping her arms around me tightly, "yes, yes i do but they're cute, i love them."
i grin, stuffing my face into the crook of her neck, "and they love you so much more, babes."