November 12th, 2015
making my way into the school, i was immediately greeted by the security guard, "morning Alex, try not to get into any trouble today, okay?"
it was never me who caused trouble, this school was so blind.
i waved him off as i kept pushing forward, "yeah Mr. Dig."
walking up the stairs, i turned the corner as i pushed towards my locker. quickly opening it, i gathered what i needed for my classes before shutting it, making my way to English.
damn, let this day go by any faster.
"Alex," i heard Ava speak from the side of me, shooting my attention towards her, i caught her eye. "you okay? you've been silent, all morning."
i shake my head, "im okay, i promise, let's get to English shall we?"
she nods, not bothering to conjure up a reply as we push off to English, taking a seat in our usual seating.
"morning class," Mrs. Brown starts with, turning around to face the class. "today will be a simple day, no essays, no stacks of paper work, just a small worksheet to let the load off."
the class silently cheered, making small talk amongst each other.
"Luis? mind passing the sheets out for me?" Mrs. Brown asked, extending her hand.
"not at all," he shook his head, bolting from his chair.
after getting my worksheet, i immediately started working. it wasn't hard, hell, it was English we were talking about. like, hello?
but many failed but everyone had their reasoning. id say i was one of them, well becoming one of them. my grades weren't doing the best right now, i was trying.
today was the big day and i didn't mean that in any exciting tone. my heart was filled with every ounce of sadness and i knew Ava was trying to make me feel better, but damn i was hurting.
i appreciate Ava, i always do but right now, the sadness held me tighter than she could.
suddenly, the bell went off and i wasted no time as i gathered my belongings. walking up the Mrs. Brown desk, i placed my worksheet in front of her before going off to the door.
sadly, i got stopped by her, "Miss. Lance?" she called out which caused me to turn around. "Mind if i have a word with you?"
i shook my head, "go on, ill catch up with you," i whispered to Ava.
turning on my heels completely, i made my way back over to her desk, "yes, Mrs. Brown?"
she leaned forward, resting her arms on her desk, "you alright? you seemed off today. i know it isn't my business and i do not mean to invade, you don't mind me asking, right?"
i shake my head, sighing, "no ma'am but i am .. well, im okay. i appreciate you asking."
she nods, "anytime, anytime. im here for anything."
"thank you," i smile faintly. "may i go now?"
"yes, go on and enjoy your lunch," she stands, pointing to the door.
if i eat.
exiting the classroom, i quickly made my way off into the cafeteria. scanning the room, i soon found Ava off in the back.
idiot.
"took you long enough," she started with, looking up at me as i took a seat beside her. "what did Mrs. Brown want?"
"i was gone for less than two minutes but nothing, she was just asking if i was alright."
"are you?" she asked, eyeing me closely.
i sigh, "yes Ava, i told you this morning that i was alright."
"that was this morning, it's almost three in the afternoon."
2:45
"yes," i nod as i stand. "but even now, i am still fine, i appreciate your concern though."
"where are you going?" she questions, eyeing me.
"library, i feel like reading," i shrug. "plus, i was never hungry."
"but you haven't eaten all day," she frowns, standing. "please eat something, please?"
"im not hungry, Ava. can we just go to the library please?"
she sighs, nodding as we begin walking. walking out of the cafeteria, we soon ran into Luke, great.
"Alex," i heard him call out. "can i talk to you for a second?"
no, not really. to be fair, i wasn't in the mood.
"no," i cut my eyes at him.
"and why not?"
i shrug, "because i said no, take the no and keep it pushing, im trying to be nice to you, Luke."
"you're never nice to me," he chuckles, folding his arms. "why do you think because you're this known human being, you have to be a dick?"
i shake my head, rubbing my fingers through my hair, "i am actually, i always am but seemingly, you push my buttons and take me there. you don't know how to take no for an answer and keep pushing it. im being nice to you and to be fucking fair, i shouldn't be. you're just rude and disrespectful as fuck to me, so nice? keep pushing it and i won't be s nice, Luke."
"whatever," was all he could say before walking away.
pushing forward, i caught up with Ava in the library, finally. today was dragging along and honestly i wanted nothing more than to just go home.
"you okay?" i heard her ask.
"mhm," i mumble, hanging my head low.
"Alex," she grabs my hand, squeezing it. "i know you're in pain right now and you don't want to speak on it, but please don't hold it in. i am here, whenever you'd like to talk."
i nod, looking over at her, "i know, thank you."
"you're welcome," she smiles, planting a kiss upon my cheek.
•••
i sighed to myself, looking forward at myself in the mirror as i fixed the necklace for the tenth time for today.
today was the day, today was the day, god help me.
"don't cry Alex, not now," i whispered to myself, feeling that lump inside my throat rise. "come on, come on."
walking out of my bedroom, i went off down the steps, going off into the living area. the room was silent and colder than usual.
"Alex," dad spoke, his voice shaky. "you—you ready?"
nodding, i kept my attention behind him, staring at the wall, "yes, yes i am."
without saying any other words, we gathered our coats as we made our way out of the house.
scanning my surroundings, it was foggy with a small breezy. it rained earlier, which to say the least was pleasing. the way the rain hit against my windows pretty much knocked me out.
lovely.
today was .. different, colder, quieter.
i didn't want to be here, i didn't want to face this reality. i wanted to go back home and curl up next to Ava but i couldn't, at least not right now.
dad was hurting more than i was, his tone was changed and his eyes hung lower than usual. it was hurting me to see him in such a state.
i wanted to do everything but do this, attend my mom's funeral? out of all the things, i had to do this, today, tonight.
fuck, it hurts.
lifting my head, i noticed that we were finally here, "shit," i whispered to myself.
"we're here, baby girl," my dad uttered, looking back at me. "you alright?"
"yes," i say, pulling my attention up. "let's get this done, please."
desperately, i tried hiding my tears and stuffing away my emotions for today but i couldn't, not anymore. the tears escaped my eyes, running down my cheeks and immediately i felt the overwhelming rush of it all.
snaking my arm over my stomach, i hunched over just slightly as i begin to cry, "mom, i miss you so much."
"baby girl," dad rushed over to me, holding me up in his arms. "you okay?"
wiping my face, i held onto him, "dad it hurts so badly."
he sighs, holding me close as he rubs my back, "i know baby, i know and im really sorry that it has to be this way."
"i just wanted her to stay," i sigh, wiping my face as i let go of him. "it hurts that she died the way she did.."
"i know baby," he places a hand on my back, rubbing my back slowly. "let's just get the day done, alright?"
i nod, "yes."
walking further, a group of people came into view as a smile crept up on my face. family. aside from the pain i felt in the pit of my soul, it was nice seeing my family. horrible occasion but we always tried to put the light in the darkest times.
"Alex, Matt," my aunt Rachel greeted us with a smile, her arms extended. "are you two alright?"
i nod, drifting my attention else where, "i am, yes, thank you for asking."
though, i was hurting from the core, i was alright, at least for now.
"can i have uh ge—have a moment alone with my mother please?" i eyed everyone, watching as they nod in response before walking away, leaving me alone.
"mom," i whisper. "mom, mom, mom, mom.."
"why'd you have to leave? why'd you have to leave us?" tucking in my bottom lip, i tried to hold in my tears. "i need you, we need you..dad needs you."
"Josie Eve Lance, Josie Eve Lance," i smile as i spoke my moms name. "i love you with every ounce of love in me, you know that..you always did."
reaching down, i touched her casket, "god, im gonna miss you, im really really gonna miss you. but..but i know that you're no longer in pain and that, that brings me so much joy, it makes me so happy that i know you're no longer suffering."
"im gonna visit you as much as i can, okay?" i smiled as i hung my head low, feeling the tears roll down my face. "i promise. im gonna come talk to you as much as i can and just be with you."
sighing, i looked over my shoulder, watching my family from the distance. keeping my eyes glued to them, i noticed Ava in the back.
idiot.
"ill see you soon, mom," leaning down, i placed a kiss upon her casket before walking off. "shit, this is harder than i thought. few more hours, just a few more hours, Alex."
"hi," i say, approaching Ava. "thank you, thank you for coming."
she shoves me, "shut up, you know id come, shut your mouth."
i chuckle, practically throwing myself onto her, "i just appreciate you, i really do, Ava. i don't know if i tell you that enough."
"hush, Alexandra," she squeezes my body, rubbing my back. "are you ready?"
i sigh, "no, not really but who ever really is?"
"of course, of course," she nods, pulling away from the embrace. "no matter what, you know i am right here and will always be right here."
i nod, "thank you."
"stop thanking me, you know id do these things over a million times over without question," she plants a kiss upon my cheek, grabbing my hand. "let's join the others?"
"yes," i smile faintly as we begin to walk.
quickly catching up to the rest, Ava and i slid into the circle that was already formed.
"Alex? would you like to say anymore words?" aunt Rachel asked, looking forward at me.
"i said all i could think of, i can't really think of anymore to say."
she nods, "how about you, Matt?"
"sure, sure," he smiles faintly, putting his hands together as he steps closer to her casket. "uh.." he hangs his head down lowly, trying to think of a few words to say.
quickly, i stepped closer to him, placing my hand upon his back, "it's okay dad, take your time. take as much time as you need."
he looks over to his left, smiling at me as he wraps his arm around me, "baby girl."
"im here, dad," clinging to him, i smiled.
he sighs, "Josie, Josie, Josie Eve Lance, i love you, i love you so much. i always have, i always always did. from the moment we met in high school," he chuckles, smiling as he remembers the moments.
"i know i was probably some slack for a kid back then but you grew to love me, we grew together. all the memories, the moments, i could never forget that. ever." he glances over at me, smiling as he held me tighter.
"then you gave me this kid right here, the one kid i promise you id always protect, with my dying breath, our kid, Alexandra." he sighs, letting me go as he rubs his hands over his face. "im not gonna act like its not painful and killing me to say these things but..." placing his hand on her casket, he began crying. "it hurts, so badly and i can't shake this feeling."
wiping his face, he smiled faintly, "i know i know, life goes on and i always ask myself when or how? but then i look at the one thing you left me with..Alexandra and i always see the answer. so thank you, thank you for the many years we had, the great moments we shared. i love you so much, Josie, always."