my heart was thumping, thumping out my chest as though it was gonna explode. my heart was hurting and i hadn't stopped crying since i left the park.
i hadn't gone back home yet because i know if i did, id have to explain these tears and i didn't want that. at least not right now.
fuck, it hurts.
i just didn't understand, what was the problem? we were doing so well.
"maybe i do love her.." i mumbled softly,
i chuckled softly, turning my car engine over, immediately pulling off.
"don't cry Alexandra, don't cry, you need to see," a few tears rolled down my face as my lips begin to quiver. "fuck."
driving at night always did make me feel better, though it was colder, it was more soothing.
i floored it, feeling the tears roll down my face. relaxing my head, i shut my eyes for a second, taking in the moment.
i had no idea where i was driving to but i sure as hell didn't want to be home-as i said before.
maybe i could visit my mom, yeah that'll help.
i did say id visit her on Christmas, just didn't expect it to be like this.
within seconds, i pulled up to the graveyard, parking as close as could be before exiting my car.
i sigh, "lonely Christmas this is."
approaching her stone, i smiled to myself as i watched the snow cover her stone so heavenly.
beautiful.
"hi mom," my voice was cold, but so was i. "i uh didn't expect to be visiting you like this...i miss you."
i ran my finger over her engraved name, feeling that coldness, "i miss you so much, every day, every second."
"Christmas is going ... okay, it isn't the best but no holiday has been the best but we tried, mom, we tried." i tucked my bottom lip, watching the snow cover her stone. "i love you so much, mama."
i sigh, running my hands through my hair, "i graduate soon and just as i am here now, i will be here then."
running my fingers over her name, "see you mom, see you soon."
a tear rolled down my face and immediately i shut my eyes, taking in the moment before walking away.
"what time is it?" i asked myself. taking a look at the time, it read 1:50. "2:00? shit."
turning over my engine, i pulled quickly pulled off.
my mind was wondering, i had a million things running through it. Alyssa coming in second place of it all. i was wondering about Ava, was she okay? what could she be doing right now? probably worrying about me.
i sigh, feeling the tears swell up in my eyes again, "fuck, no Alexandra no! you cannot cry, you cannot."
my phone began to ring, vibrating against my thigh. pulling out my phone, i read Ava's name. she was calling, "fuck," i whispered, feeling the phone slip between my fingers.
my heart began thumping inside of my chest irregularly, speeding, "calm down, calm down, calm down."
"yes, calm down baby girl," i heard suddenly. "you recognize my voice, don't you?"
mo-no, no, no, you're hallucinating, you're hallucinating, Alex, you're hallucinating."
i hit the steering wheel aggressively, screaming loudly, "mom, mom."
"yes baby, im right here," i heard once more, her voice was soothing.
looking to my life, i seen my mother, sitting off in the passenger seat. "hi baby girl."
"this isn't real," i uttered, blinking rapidly. "this isn't real!" my voice held pain, the anger. "mom, you're not-no, no."
she reached her hand forward, massaging my cheek with her thumb, "i need you to calm down and breathe for me, can you do that for me?"
i nod, taking in the moment, "yes ma'am."
"what's gotten into you, my love?"
i bit my bottom lip, tucking it in, "im in pain, mom, it hurts, everything hurts."
placing her hand upon my chest, i felt my body grow weaker, "life will never be easy sweetheart, i told you that ever since you were born up until i took my last breath-"
"mom," i sniff, feeling my heart skip a beat.
"no baby, listen to me, i know you're in pain, i see you every second, i know you're hurting but when you learn to contain those feelings and that pain, it won't hurt as bad."
i nod, listening to every single word, "you told me."
she applied slight pressure onto my chest, "feel this? keep it beating, for me, please? im cheesing to see you graduate, baby girl."
i smile, feeling a wave of happiness hit me, "Ill save you a seat, a nice one, upfront maybe?"
she nods, "that'll be lovely, my pumpkin, now i have to go-"
i shake my head as the tears streamed down my face, "no, no, no, no, please don't leave me again."
she chuckles, "i never left you, ever, and i would never do such a thing," she cups my face, rubbing her thumbs over my cheeks slowly. "but remember me, my name, and what we stood for?"
i smile, "i always do, mom."
she smiles, hanging her head down low for a second, "do me a favor, love?"
i nod, "yes ma'am?"
she eyes me and i swear i took in her sparkle that hid in her eyes, "wish matt a happy holidays for me? hm? Ava, and Allen?
i nod once more, feeling the overwhelming feeling of emotions hit me, "yes ma'am," i spoke softly as my voice began to break.
she smiled, "i love you, Alexandra and i am so proud of you, never forget that."
i shook my head, eyeing her closely, "never, i promise."
blinking, my mom vanished, within seconds and i couldn't help but crack, "no no no, fuck, no."
the tears began to get overwhelming and soon enough, my vision was too blurry to see anything.
my car began to swerve and i could hear my tires dragging against the road, "shit, shit."
suddenly, my car drifted out of my control and within seconds, i heard a loud horn before everything went black.
"Alex! Alex, can you hear me!" i heard Ava's voice just faintly. "Alex please answer me!"
"Alex!" her voice echoed.
"Ava?" i whispered.
•••
"yes yes yes, but i need you all to get back," i felt the room spinning as the voices around me got closer. "she'll be fine-"
"she's ... go-..yes, i understand-black"
i could feel the lights penetrating its way through my eyelids, burning my eyes desperately. shit.
"she's going in and out of consciousness, doctor," i heard a nurse say.
"yes sh-"
"her heart rate is dropping, drastically," someone said in panic.
"Alex!" i heard someone shout, their voice was very faint. "Alex!" i heard again, causing me to jump up.
"wake up," i heard moms voice. "i need you to wake up, sweetheart." scanning my surroundings, i seen mom off in a corner. i couldn't see her face all the well, it was like a blur.
"i am awake mom, im up," i spoke softly, eyeing her closely. "you see me, mom look at me."
"no," she shook her head. "i see you, i see that you're dying on this table right here. baby girl, i need you to wake up."
"wake up!" she shouts.
immediately, my eyes shot open and i could feel my heart going a million miles an hour. thumping inside my chest, my breathing began to slow.
"ah, you're awake," a nurse said. i could barely see her face, everything was very blurred. "how are you feeling?"
i shook my head slowly, feeling a small rush of pain, "im better," i groan.
"that's good, that's good," she nods, eyeing me closely. "you uh have a lot of visitors."
please, god, don't be Alyssa.
"tell them to come down, please," i sigh, closing my eyes for a split second.
she nods, exiting the room.
i shut my eyes, relaxing to the mattress as much as i could. the cold breeze hit me, causing me to shiver.
"fuck, it's cold," i mumble, trying to pull the covers up onto my body.
"don't try too hard," i heard Allen's voice, it was shaky but clear. "are you okay?"
"im-im fine," i whisper, eyeing him.
he eyed me, his brow now lifted, "are you really, Alexandra?"
"yes," i nod. "in small amounts of pain but im okay, Allen."
"what happened?"
i shake my head, desperately trying to forget it all, "a lot."
i never wanted to forget about what happened with mom but gosh, thinking about it, remembering it, hurts.
"im here if you need me, Alex," he hangs his head low. "please remember that."
i nod, "always."
he sigh, placing his hand on top of my, "ill be back later, take care of yourself, alright?"
"yes sir," i chuckle but immediately stop, groaning in pain. "shit."
"pain?"
i nod, "yes, in the chest and rib area."
"you're gonna pull through, just hang in there for me?"
"i always try, you know me," i smile, looking the other way.
"sure, Alex," he eyes me suspiciously, chuckling. "ill be back later."
as he walks out, Ava and my dad practically ran in, "oh my gosh, you scared the life out of me," Ava said with her hand palming her mouth. "are you okay? please tell me you're okay."
"baby girl," my dad spoke, his voice shaky. "are you alright?"
i nod, "yes you two, i am fine. in pain but it'll all pass soon."
"what happened?" they ask in sync.
i shake my head, "a lot, just know that."
Ava eyes me discreetly, i knew and she knew.
"Matt, could i speak with Alex alone, please? for a few minutes," she eyes him.
he nods, "yes, yes you can."
within seconds, my dad was gone and it was now Ava and i.
"it's Alyssa, isn't it?" she folds her arms, flopping down in the chair next to my bed.
i gulp down hard, avoiding eye contact, "yes Ava."
"i knew it, i knew it, i fucking knew it-"
"but that's-i just couldn't stop crying and next minute i knew, i was here."
"i called you.." she states, eyeing me closely. "you answered but you weren't speaking-well you were just not to me."
i lift my brow, "what do you mean?"
"your mother, you were talking to her or something..? i don't know," she shrugs. "the conversation was very muffled but i heard .. most."