In the meantime, I was struggling, too. I was still not over Logan. During the day, I was okay, because I was spending so much time with Sméagol. However, every night, when I closed my bedroom door, I would pray not to have more dreams about him. Every now and then, my prayers worked, and I would have normal dreams, but a lot of times, I still had the same dreams of him, where one minute, he was sweet-talking me, and the next, breaking up with me and making out with his new girlfriend as if I never existed to him. I would often have dreams about special times in our relationship, like the time we went to see Celtic Woman with Hayley and Abby. Other times, I would have dreams where he would confess to me the "real reason" he broke up with me, which was different every time. Once, it was because I didn't want kids. Another time, it was because I was too disabled for him, and that I was a burden to him. Of course, that probably stemmed from hearing so many others say the same things to me.
During the night, I would often wake up in tears, knowing that I would continue seeing his face the minute I closed my eyes again. It was all too much for me to handle, but I couldn't tell Hayley. I didn't want her to know, because I didn't want to burden her with another one of my stupid problems. At the same time, I couldn't take it anymore, and I needed someone to talk to. I guess the other reason why I never told anybody was because I was hoping it would go away on its own. The dreams would eventually die down, until they stopped completely. Unfortunately, that was not the case. It was mid July, and the dreams were still tormenting me.
One night, I woke up from yet another dream, and I couldn't take it anymore. I got out of bed, and went to the bathroom while I let myself wake up. I sat on the toilet for a moment, debating if I should wake Sméagol up just to tell him I miss my ex-boyfriend. It seemed so silly and stupid, but I couldn't handle it alone anymore. I needed a friend. I finished up, flushed the toilet, and washed my hands. I opened the bathroom door, and tiptoed into the hallway. I crept quietly towards Sméagol's bedroom door, very hesitant to knock. Then, I heard him crying, and my heart sank to the pit of my stomach. He was having his own nightmares. There was no way I could tell him what was going on with me. He was dealing with enough pain as it was.
Tears fell from my eyes as I slowly and quietly made my way downstairs. I tiptoed into the music room, and closed the door. I knew that nobody could hear me playing if the door was closed. I once asked Hayley about it, and she said she couldn't hear anything if the music room door and her bedroom door were both closed. So, I turned on the lights, and sat at my piano. I tried hard to think of lyrics and a melody to write, but nothing was coming. I was hoping that writing a song about my feelings would help me get over him, but how could I write a song about it if my mind was blocked? I suddenly remembered the song I wrote for him, the song I planned to play for him the night he broke up with me. I began to play and sing the song, and almost immediately, I was greeted with an ocean of tears. I fought through them as I continued to play and sing the song. When I finished, all the tears came pouring out, along with inspiration for the song I wanted to write. So, I began to write the lyrics, and came up with a melody and music I was proud of. I tweaked a few things here and there, until I was finally satisfied with it. I recorded a rough audio file for reference, and played through one more time to make sure it was what I wanted. It was, so I headed back upstairs. I went to the bathroom one last time before going back to bed.
One of my negative sensory issues is the horrible feeling of having to urinate, even a little. I can't stand how it feels, especially when I want to sleep, so every time I go to bed or back to bed, I use the bathroom to make sure my bladder is empty. Okay, lesson over. Now, back to the story.
Unfortunately, I still had the same horrible nightmares about Logan. Shit! I thought. Why am I still dreaming of him?! Why does his face still haunt me?! At this point, I couldn't take anymore.