I suddenly felt sick to my stomach. I rushed off to the bathroom to throw up. This is another Autistic trait of mine. I feel stress a lot deeper than most people. What isn't stressful for most can be very stressful for me, and sometimes, stress can make me physically ill. This was one of those times.
When I finished throwing up after what seemed like an eternity, I flushed, cleaned myself up, and came out of the bathroom, still in tears. I made my way into the living room, and plopped my butt down on the sofa. I grabbed a pillow, placed it on the arm rest, and laid my head down.
Hayley tiptoed in, sat next to me, and put her hand on my head. "Hey," she said sweetly. "You okay, Sweetie?"
"No," I said weakly. "I feel like utter shit."
"Aww, I know." She caressed my forehead. "I know, Sweetie."
"I don't understand," I wept. "Everything was going fine. I mean, we went on a picnic last weekend, and everything was perfect. Even after choir practice, everything was great. I told him how amazing his solo was, and we made plans for tonight. I didn't have any warning. There were no signs he was getting ready to dump me. Did you see any?"
"No, I didn't. He never seemed like he was pulling away."
"Over a year together, and suddenly, out of nowhere, he decides he's not ready to be with me."
"I know. That doesn't make any sense. And, he didn't even have the decency to call you, or break up with you face-to-face. He sent a fucking text. That alone made me lose so much respect for him. And, his reason, there's no way that's what it was. You don't stay with someone for as long as he did, go through everything you both did, and build a strong relationship to suddenly decide you're not ready. That can't be what it is."
"I know. I'm afraid to ask him about it, though. He might turn it on me, and tell me that it actually was my fault, just like they all did before. Or, he'll tell me something that's really gonna hurt, even more than this."
"I understand, Sweetie. I think it's best not to talk to him for a while."
"I don't wanna talk to him. It's too painful. Just hearing his voice will hurt too much." I began sobbing again. "Damn it, I don't know how I'm gonna handle choir rehearsal on Tuesday. I don't wanna have to hear his voice, but I don't wanna drop out of the concert."
"Oh, yeah, that's right. Well, I have an idea. When it's his turn to sing, I'll take you to the bathroom, until it's over."
"But, I have to rehearse the background vocals, though."
"Well, I think you know them pretty well already, and if you don't, we'll practice them together when you're ready."
"But, what will Lucy think?"
"I think she'll understand. She knows how hard you work, and she's a sweet, reasonable, understanding person. She won't mind if you have to excuse yourself. If she's worried about you knowing your part, I'll let her know you'll practice at home, but I seriously don't think she'll have a problem with it. She'll just be happy you're still singing with us, even though it's painful." Then, she changed the subject. "Hey, you feeling better after your little barfing session?"
"A little," I said.
"You still want something to eat? We can still have a movie night, and I'll order pizza for us."
"Sure."
So, Hayley ordered large pepperoni pizzas, and we spent the rest of the evening watching funny movies and stuffing our faces with junk food. I was still hurting badly, but laughing and eating with my big sister helped take my mind off things for just a few hours.