Devoted Nobility

Chapter 108

Sophia

There was an eerie calm that filled my life after the Duke was executed. The complications seemed to drift away. Charlotte settled into life at court as one of my ladies and began a rather unexpected friendship with Jane. There truly was nothing to complicate my life.

The only thing that I felt sneak its way into my life was grief. Matthew’s death seemed to pass over me too easily. My mind was too busy with other things, but now I had plenty of time to mourn. I found myself spending days in bed staring at an empty space in the air. I was caught between moments such as that, emptiness, and moments where thoughts of guilt overwhelmed me. I also struggled between the days. One day I would be fine while others I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing.

I tried to blame my pregnancy for my shifting moods, but I knew it was something much deeper. I wasn’t safe from my emotions anywhere. Alexander’s nineteenth birthday came a few weeks after the Duke’s execution. This was a day that I had gone to every length to keep myself calm. I saw the torture in Alexander’s eyes every time I broke down. He was always there to comfort me, but I wouldn’t let him do that on his birthday.

I wanted to make the day perfect. I had spent weeks arranging his gift. I remembered that one of the first conversations we had had was about a George Gower portrait in the corridor. George Gower was a very close friend of the family’s and I convinced him to create a landscape of the palace gardens, one of our favorite places.

Alexander and I had a quiet breakfast together and a long walk along the lake. I arranged for a few of his closest friends to travel in from different cities and they spent the afternoon out in the archery field and the riding coarse.

His absence was welcome as it gave me time to put the finishing touches on his party. Though he and I were both hoping for something less formal than usual, his mother and father insisted that it be a proper gathering of noblemen. I did, however, try to limit the number who were invited and increase the amount of alcohol that was circulating through the room at all times to loosen a few guests to have fun.

Things were going very well. I don’t know where it came from, but it hit me unexpectedly. I was talking with the Earl and Countess of Ipswich about how excited Alexander and I were for the baby’s birth.

“How long until you go into confinement in preparation?” The Countess asked, full of questions.

“I am not sure. No official dates have been decided, but most likely at the end of next month after the new year.” I murmured back, not looking forward to being kept away in a windowless room that only allowed women.

She looked at me and smiled. “Yes, it is difficult. I missed my husband so much,” she stroked his shoulder. “But, it was very relaxing and helped me put myself in the right frame of mind for bringing a life into the world.”

Her words weren’t anything unusual, but they were a silent trigger. The words “bringing a life into the world” echoed in my head. It wasn’t out of fear for becoming a parent, but out of guilt that I indirectly caused a life to leave the world.

I tried as hard as I could, but my lips began to quiver and tears spilled over my eyes.

The Earl and Countess filled with fright. “Your Grace, are you alright? Did my wife say something? She has the tendency to overstep. I am so sorry. Should I go find your husband?” the Earl said in a panic.

He began to turn around, but I grabbed his arm. “No, please do not bother him. I am fine. I just need a few minutes. Tell no one.” They both smiled and shook their heads nervously.

I put my head down and stared at the floor as I rushed out of the ballroom as quickly as I could. I ran up to my room and climbed into my bed as if hiding below the covers would make my problems disappear, but it didn’t. I couldn’t stop myself from balling. I had lost control. I hated myself for it, but I couldn’t stop no matter how hard I tried. The worst part was that I wasn’t even sure was I was crying. I knew Matthew was a main component in my unhappiness, but there was some other unidentified entity hurting my heart.

I don’t know how long I was missing from the party, but it was long enough for someone to notice I was gone. The knock I had been trying to avoid happened.

“Sophia, I know you are here. Your guards told me they saw you come in here. Can I come in, please?”

I didn’t want to let him in. I wanted him to go out to the party and enjoy his birthday, but I was selfish. I knew the only thing that would make me feel better was him. “Yes”, I whispered in defeat.

I put my head in my hands as I heard the door creak open. Within seconds, his arms were around me and I felt him pull the covers over him too. I didn’t speak and neither did he. He just held me as I poured over with tears.

Eventually my body was out of tears to cry. My hysterics disappeared as quickly as they came.

“Do you feel up to talking about it?” Alexander asked cautiously.

I wiped my cheeks. “Yes. I don’t know where it came from. You should really go back to your party. I don’t want you spending the last few hours of you birthday like this.”

He didn’t move. As I tried to think of a way to justify my outburst, a thought got stuck in my head. “Did he ever really love me?”

Alexander shifted our positions so that we were looking one another in the eye. “Matthew? Yes. As much as I hated him, I cannot blame him for his reasoning. I can’t imagine trying not to love you. He tried his hardest at that.”

I couldn’t think about that idea right now as I was sure it would send me into another series of breakdowns. “The only thing I know about love is from being in love with you, from loving my mother and siblings, and from seeing friends in love. I just have never seen the type of love that Matthew had for me.”

Alexander’s blue eyes turned hard and I suddenly heard what he must have in my words. I rushed to clarify. “No, I don’t mean it in that way. I meant that it almost seemed fake. Whenever anything ever happened between Matthew and I it seemed that he was trying to spite you. I know he was jealous of all of the privileges you received. Maybe he didn’t know it, but stealing me from you would be the ultimate revenge. I think your silent rivalry with one another had more to do with his feelings than I did.”

I suddenly felt so idiotic for not noticing it earlier. It seemed so obvious now. I was just a weapon in the war to Matthew. Before I had a chance to further contemplate this idea, I felt a fluttering inside my stomach. The fluttering was followed by a light nudging. It didn’t hurt, but just surprised me. My hands flew to my side.

“What’s wrong?” Alexander asked with concern.

I smiled up at him. “The baby is kicking.”

I took his left hand and placed it next to mine. We sat there for minutes in complete silence. I was amazed that we could feel its little foot through my dress and corset, but we could. He or she had a lot of strength. This moment was everything to me. It was all put in prospective. This was what mattered to me now. I couldn’t change the past. The only thing that was important was my little family. Alexander, me, and our miracle. I loved them both so much that I couldn’t imagine not being able to smile in a world where they both existed.