After Hardin

48

~ TESSA ~

    My heart lurches into my throat when Hardin asks the question, "What did last night mean for you?"  After seeing him handle his anger and frustrations as well as he did this morning, the fear that I felt toward the unknown left me.  I no longer fear that he'll fall back into his old habits of drinking, and destruction of any form; physical, verbal, or emotional when shit hits the proverbial fan.  He was angry, just as angry as I've ever seen him on so many occasions, yet he controlled and veiled that anger enough to actually talk to me; even reassuring me before he went to the gym to work it out. 

    Watching him unleash on that punching bag created a mixture of feelings inside me.  I was relieved that he didn't turn to alcohol and physical violence.  I was proud that he remembered what he'd learned and used it when things got tough.  And I also felt completely turned on.  Watching the newly formed muscles of his arms and back bunch and strain while attacking the bag caused my belly to tighten and heat to form between my legs.  I wanted him in that moment more than I had maybe ever before.  If I hadn't pulled myself away when I did, I may have asked him to take me in the middle of the gym. 

    Hardin cleared his throat, breaking me out of the daydream; I was back up watching him in the gym, sweat beading down his body, arms and legs striking out and connecting with the punching bag.  The much larger muscles of his body tighten like a bow and release when they connect with the bag.  My face heats from embarassment, I'm sure my cheeks have turned an angry shade of pink, and I clear the knot in my throat.

    "Um.  What?"  I stammered, caught off guard and embarrassed from what I was thinking about.

    Hardin gave me a questioning look before he repeated himself.  "Are you okay, Tessa?  You seem out of it.  I asked you what last night meant to you." 

    "I guess maybe I'm still not fully awake," I lied.  "I've thought a lot about what happened last night while I was trying to work this morning, but now that we're talking, I can't remember anything I wanted to say."  I take a deep cleansing breath and push my hair behind my ears.  "Last night was a much needed release for both of us.  I can't imagine how you've felt since I showed up in England.  You've done things to pleasure me, but never had anything in return.  When you confessed yesterday that you hadn't been with anyone since our last time, I wanted to do something for you.  I wanted to help you feel as good as you've made me feel." 

    Hardin's eyes go hard.   "I don't want you to fuck me with your hand, mouth or any other way for that matter because you feel bad for me.  I don't need a pity fuck."  He growled and started pacing the room.

    "It wasn't a pity fuck.  You've done so much for me and the babies and I wanted to please you.  So I jerked you off.  As for us sleeping together, there was no pity involved with it.  I wanted it because it felt amazing.  I was being greedy and selfish.  It had nothing to do with feeling bad for you or feeling pressured to do it. I'm not going to sleep with you because I feel bad for you.  If I sleep with you it's because I want to. Because I want or need the release."  I'm nervous with his pacing and realize that I'm wringing my fingers together.  I have to consciously stop the action.  I unhook my hands from each other and place them flat on the bed next to me.

    "Last night doesn't mean that we're back together.  It was a release for me and felt amazing.  I'm hoping that it was the same for you.  I know I shouldn't have let it happen.  I'm sure it's confusing for you since I'm saying that we can't be in a relationship, yet I asked you to fuck me.  I don't regret doing it, the only thing I regret is hurting you.  That's the last thing that I ever want to do."  Hardin is so quiet, he has stopped pacing the room and is standing across from me.   Our eyes lock, both of us searching each other to see how the other is feeling.  I see disappointment and hurt flash through Hardin's eyes briefly before he conceals his feelings and his eyes are blank.