After Hardin

13

~ HARDIN ~

The last few weeks have been a blur. I finished all of my work to graduate and the graduation ceremony was held. Ken called a few times to try and talk me into coming home to walk the stage. Each and every time I told him that I couldn't. He didn't want to take no for an answer, until I explained that I can't come back now with all of the memories of Tessa there. I am trying to change myself for the better, and going back there could set me back. He seemed to understand where I was coming from and instead asked if he could fly to England and deliver my diploma in person. I think it's time for him and I to have conversations about what happened in the past, so I agreed.

I moved into my own flat about a week after that call to Landon. It's a small studio flat. It's really all I need since it's just me there. I haven't talked to Mark or James since I walked out of their party. They have finally given up on calling me, and I don't miss their friendship.

I am still seeing my therapist three times a week. It reallyseems to be helping me. I never thought it would. We are focusing on the anger that I have that stems from my childhood and learning positive ways to deal with my anger when it flares up. Dr. Taylor has me writing in a journal to help sort out my feelings and analyze why I am feeling a certain way. I have a lot more work to do on myself, but I can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

I have way too much spare time. In that time I found myself thinking about Tessa. It wasn't good for me. Dr. Taylor and I listed ways that I could fill my time so that I am not thinking of her as much. At his recommendation, I've started tutoring children who are struggling in school through a local tutoring program. It's a rewarding thing to help children. One of my favorite kids to tutor is a young boy named Cam, who is very much like I was at his age of 14. He tries to be a badass, but deep down he's just hurting. I've only been doing this for about 2 weeks, but I can see a change in him already. His mum is a single mum and he is home alone much of the time. I never had a positive role model when school was out because my Mum was always working. I like that I can provide that for Cam and make a difference in his life. Hopefully preventing him from going down the same road that I have.

"Hardin, why do you care so much if I get this?" Cam asks in frustration over his writing assignment.

"Cam, the ability to write, and write well is literally saving me. I know that I have told you how my childhood is a lot like yours, with a single Mum who was always working so I was left home alone. I had books and writing for a long time to keep me out of trouble, but trouble eventually found me. I don't want you to follow the road that I went down. Being able to express yourself in writing is a very powerful thing, something that could save you when you least expect it."

"Dude, writing is never going to save me," Cam laughs, but picks his pencil back up and starts writing again. He puts much more effort into his work and in the end creates an amazing essay about his thoughts on how to help feed the hungry.

"See, that is how you can save yourself with writing. You have a purpose to your life rather than getting into trouble. You took a stand in your essay that could eventually change the world." Cam tries to conceal a proud smile, before he shoves his paper into his bag and takes off for the night. "Stay out of trouble, Cam. See you tomorrow after school."

When I got back home, I thought about what I told Cam today about how writing could help save him, and realized that I should follow my own advice tonight. I get out my journal and I start writing what comes to my mind. What I find myself writing is an apology to Tessa for all of the fucked up shit I put her through. If anyone deserves an apology it is her.