After Hardin

1

Tessa
Day one back in Washington.

I have nothing left to give. I cried the entire flight from England to Washington. When my plane finally landed I was a shell. I drove Hardin's car straight to Ken and Karen's place. They always welcomed me into their home with no questions asked. The looks on their faces when they opened the door to me without Hardin broke another piece of my heart. They had questions about what happened, but they held them back and again let me stay. I didn't know where else to go.  They are the closest thing to family that I have.  My mother is impossible and the last time we spoke it was a mess.  And my father is in rehab and is homeless.  Ken and Karen are the parents that I wished that I always had.

Karen called for Landon to take my bag up to my room. She told me to follow him and try to get some rest; that we could talk in the morning. Landon dropped my bag off, gave me a hug and left me alone. As I sit on the bed in my room across from HIS room I feel the tears return. As they are rolling down my face silently, I realize that there will never be an us again. My broody guy with piercing emerald green eyes is no longer mine and will never be again. He threw me away, like he does every time it gets hard.

What happened in England was a disaster. Finding his mum with Vance on the counter, to the revelation that the man he thought was his father all these years, the man who took his childhood away with his alcoholism, and created this angry boy, was in fact not his father but it was Vance. The nice man who brought him books as a child and treated him well. But when things were bad where was Vance. I can't imagine what is going through his mind, I thought we were in a better place in our relationship. Where he could share those feelings with me and we would get through it together. He was doing so much better. I thought he would rely on me. Tell me his problems, thoughts and feelings. I wanted to help him through it, but like always he threw it all away; pushed me away.

I can feel the pull of his room. We spent so many nights together in that room laughing and making love. I want with all my might for England to have never happened. But who am I kidding. If it wasn't England it would have been something else. Hardin will never change. But that room. Before I know it I find myself walking across the hall and through that door.  I leaned back against the door and closed my eyes.  This room screams Hardin. I can smell him here.  This isn't a good idea to be in his room and I should leave, I think about turning around and leaving and my body defies me and walks further into the room.  There on the dresser is one of his black t-shirts.  I pick it up and hold it to my face.  It still smells like him.  This is pure torture, but for tonight I just want to feel close to him.  I strip down and put on his shirt like I have so many times before.

Since I have already tortured myself by stepping foot into this room where so much has been shared, I decided that I would crawl into the bed we shared and sleep here tonight. This will be my last time ever feeling close to Hardin, the man who I love above everything else. How I will get through this escapes me and all I feel is extreme sadness and hopelessness. I lay down on the pillow and cry myself to sleep.  It doesn't take long for the dreams to come.  The first was a dream of the first time I met Hardin on my first day of college. Well it wasn't really a meeting as he didn't speak to me.  He came to my dorm with Nate to meet up with Steph. He walked in and I couldn't take my eyes off of him.  I want to say that it was because he was so different than any boy I have ever seen before. His tattoos and piercings were so intriguing to me. He rolled his eyes obviously annoyed that I was staring and ignored me.

The next dream was of the first time I actually talked to Hardin.  After my first college shower in the awful community showers, my clothes were soaked and I had to walk back to my room with only my towel to cover me.  And there he was laying on Steph's bed and was just so rude. 

From that dream, came many more of the good times and bad times with Hardin.  I finally got to England and all that happened there. I got to the part where I found him at Mark's flat. He was in the kitchen with that slut wearing his T-shirt and her legs wrapped around him. 

I wake screaming, my pillow is soaked from tears. The door to the room flys open and in runs Landon.  He is so confused from being woken up from my screams and then wondering why I'm in Hardin's room and not mine.  He approaches the bed and motions to the bed to ask if he can sit. All I can do is nod.

"What are you doing in here, Tessa?" He asks and I can see that he is starting to wake up and realize exactly what condition I'm in. 

"I... I don't know.  I went into my room when I got here, but there was just this overwhelming feeling that I should come here instead. Then when I got here I couldn't stop myself.  I found his shirt and put it on.  Even though I was crying, I couldn't make myself leave."

Landon got up from the bed and got the box of tissues from the desk and handed them to me. "I don't think that this is a good idea for you to be in here torturing yourself like this. I hate to see you so upset, Tessa. It kills me even more that he caused this.  I don't know what Hardin did in Europe, but know that I am here for you always if you want to talk about it." 

After I wiped my eyes from the tears Landon put his arm around my shoulders and I leaned into his chest.  "When I came in here I felt close to him again. It smells like him and I just needed it for tonight.  This will be the last night that I will come into this room. You are right, Landon.  I shouldn't be causing more stress for myself.  I promise that this is the last time I come in here."

Landon is rubbing his hands up and down my back to soothe me. He really has become my best friend.  He is always there for me.  Even in the tough situation with Hardin being his step-brother and me being his best friend.  I can always count on him and trust him.

"Tessa, I believe you. I just really want you to be happy. Whatever you need to do to make that happen I will support you.  Now, we need to get you out of this room so that you can start working toward that."

I nod in acknowledgement. Landon gets up and grabs my clothes that are neatly folded on the dresser, some things never change, and walks me back to my room across the hall.  I'm still wearing Hardin's shirt, but Landon doesn't say anything about that.  He pulls back the covers and tucks me into my bed. 

"I'm going to go get you some water, Tessa. I will be right back."

A few minutes later he returns with a glass of water and some Ibuprofen and hands them to me.  The water cools my raw throat and was exactly what I needed. 

"Try to get some sleep, Tessa. We can talk about things more in the morning."  Landon starts to walk to the door.

"Landon, will you please stay here with me.  I'm afraid the dreams will come back when I fall asleep."

Landon walks over to the other side of the bed and pulls back the blankets and crawls in. "Anything for you, Tessa."

I scoot over toward him and lay my head on his chest. "You really are the best friend that a girl could have.  Thank you so much for always being there for me, Landon."

I have finally stopped crying and the exhaustion set in.  I fell asleep and the dreams did not return.

Hey y'all.  Please let me know what you are thinking of my first attempt at writing.  I would love for any feedback!