After Hardin

20

~ TESSA ~

My hands are shaking causing me to have difficulty opening up the paper. I take a deep breath and unfold the pages. Seeing Hardin's scrawling on the paper, brings tears to my eyes. It reminds me of the apology letter he gave me. I cherished that letter. I wish Hardin hadn't destroyed it. I would love to have it to show our children some day that Daddy did love mommy at one time.

I wipe my eyes and start reading the words that Hardin wrote to me.

Theresa, (Really... he knows I hate it when he calls me this)

I know I am probably the last person that you want to hear from after how you saw me in Mark's apartment and how I sent you away. I wish I could take it back. If I could take back you seeing me in that situation, I would. You didn't deserve that. Nor did you deserve the words I gave you when I told you to leave.

Is he really acknowledging how much of an asshole he was in England. Who is this?

I look back on our time together and I can see all of the fucked up shit that I have done and put you through. To be honest, I am shocked that you put up with me for as long as you did.

I'm surprised that I put up with you for that long too. I was too naive.

I know it was out of love and for the good part of me that you saw brief snippets of in our relationship. You deserved that Hardin, the kind Hardin, throughout our entire relationship. I'm sorry that I wasn't that man for you.

You aren't kidding when you say I deserved something better. Did I ever?

You were and are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I wish that I could say that I deserve you, but the Hardin that you received most of our relationship, does not deserve someone like you. You deserve someone who will treat you like a goddess all the time. Someone who will not yell at you or threaten you. You deserve to have someone love you and cherish you like I failed to do.

Why couldn't he have been that person for me? How is he writing this now, but he couldn't have realized this before he pushed me away?

I regret how I treated you and wish that I could have changed while we were together. I know that I am all out of chances with you. I'm not asking for another one. I will make myself a better person, like the person that you deserved in our relationship. I will do it because of you and how you loved me. You taught me that I am worthy of love and happiness. I am unsure if I will ever have that, because you, Tessa, are the one true love of my life. It will take my entire life to get over you, and I still may not ever get over you.

Is he for real right now?

In the end I am hoping that by me letting you go when I was no good for you, that you can move on and find someone who will treat you the way you deserve and will make you happy. Because, Tessa, you deserve every bit of that and more. You are one of the most pure and selfless people I know. You deserve to be cherished. I am so sorry that I didn't appreciate that when you were mine.

I'm not being selfless right now, keeping the knowledge of his children from him. I'm doing something like Hardin would have done to me. I'm keeping something important from him. Shit. I'm going to hurt him.

I hope that you can accept my apology and know that I will love you for the remainder of the days that I walk on this Earth.

I can accept his apology, but I am not sure I trust that this is who he truly is. He has apologized and said he was going to change so many times, yet he never has. He falls back into his old ways. I will always love you, Hardin. We just can't be together.