After Hardin

7

TESSA

At the sound of his voice, I jump up and drop the phone.  It slides under the bed and stops playing.  Shit... I scramble to the floor and start searching for it.  It takes a bit to wriggle under the bed enough to grab it.  I sit with my back against the bed, my hands shaking, and flip open the phone again.  It is cracked, but still works.  My finger hovers over the play button again, my heart is pounding in my chest and I can feel the acid rising in my throat.  Can I really listen to the rest of this?  I sit there staring at my phone long enough for the sun to set and my room to become pitch black.  In the end my curiosity wins and I push the play button and the message starts again.

"Tessa..." there is a long pause.  I can feel my heart slamming into my chest and my throat goes dry.  I swallow the knot in my throat and then the message continues. "What the fuck have I done? You are the best part of me," Hardin's voice continues.  I can tell he has been drinking and is drunk. He is slurring his words and I can here him drinking from a bottle in between his sentences.  I feel like I am going to throw up. "I'm sorry.  I thought I could change. I can't."  I can hear him take another drink and he sounds like he is crying.  My hands start to shake even more so I set the phone on the floor next to me. "I don't deserve you, and you don't deserve a fuck up like me hurting you constantly.  I need to let you go.  This is the best thing for you.  I won't be coming back to Washington and I will not call again. I will always love you, Tessa." The call ends.  I let out a guttural scream, grab my phone and throw it across the room.  As it hits the wall it shatters into pieces.  

As I watch the phone smash into pieces I start to panic.  Tears are wildly flowing down my cheeks.  What did I just do? That was the last thing that Hardin will ever say to me and I will never get to hear it again.  I am breathing too quickly and am starting to hyperventilate.  Shit... shit.... My vision starts to turn black and I know I have only a short time before I pass out.  I breathe in one...two...three, hold my breath and then breathe out one...two.... three... I breathe like this consciously counting my breaths in my head until I my vision comes back to normal and I am not dizzy anymore.  The tears are still flowing down my cheeks but I am not as panicked. 

"Pull yourself together, Tessa."  I angrily wipe at the tears and will myself to stop crying.  My head is throbbing, my eyes are swollen and my nose is red and running.  "You want this to be the end, Tessa."  I tell myself over and over.  It is better this way.  I sit like this rocking back and forth with my legs pulled up to my chest, and at some point I pass out. 

I wake to sun shining brightly in my room.  I am laying on the floor at the foot of the bed.  I stand up and head into the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror.  My eyes are puffy and have purple bruises around them.  My head is still throbbing and my face is swollen.  I look terrible.  I stand there staring at my reflection for a long time before I get into the shower and stand under the cold water.  The tears return as I think about Hardin's message again.  It tells me that it really is over.  I get out of the shower and put on my robe.  I swallow two Motrin with a glass of water, walk to my bed and get under the covers.  I cry myself back to sleep. 

When I wake again it is late afternoon.  As I stare at the ceiling, I feel my courage and strength coming back.  When I feel like I am all done crying, I get dressed and put on some make up to hide the circles around my eyes.  I clean up the mess that was my phone and head out to get myself a new phone and something to eat.  I am starving. 

Why are there so many choices of phones?  In the end I finally take the leap and get myself an I Phone.  This will be something new to learn, but I think that it will be easier to organize myself this way.  After that was tackled, I grab a quick bite to eat and head back home to get working on my classwork for the upcoming week. 

HARDIN

I wake from my phone vibrating on the night stand.  It's pitch dark in my room and I am unsure how long I have been sleeping for.  I see that it is Ken calling me so I answer.  "Yeah."

"Hardin.  Hi!  I wanted to get back to you about what I found out with school and graduation."  Ken pauses after that.

"Well... what do I have to do."

"I spoke with all of your professors and they are willing to let you finish up all your assignments remotely from England and email them in,"  Ken says.  "I wish you would come back though and finish out the semester and walk the stage..."

I cut him off before he can continue on, "Not going to happen.  I am not coming back to Washington.  I want my degree, but I can't be there.  There are too many memories of Tessa, and if I come back, I will find her. I am no good for her."

"Are you sure, son?" Ken says.  " I don't want you to regret this decision.  Graduating is a huge accomplishment.  And we were just starting to make progress in our relationship."

This conversation is pissing me off.  "I'm sure.  I will finish my assignments here and have my diploma sent to me here. I gotta go." and I hang up the phone.

I look around the room and realize how much I have trashed it.  I pick up all the empty booze bottles and throw them in the trash.  I pick up my phone when I hear it buzz again.  It's a text from Mark.  Fuck.  He doesn't give up.  I ignore his text and open my pictures.  I start flipping through the pictures of Tessa and I.  With each passing picture, my heart breaks more and more.  The pain is terrible, but at least I am feeling something.  I decide right then that I will not use alcohol or drugs to numb the pain any longer.  I won't be a coward and try to hide the consequences of my actions.  I am the reason that I don't have Tessa in my life and I am the only one to blame.  I deserve to feel this pain.  I turn the phone off and power up my laptop.  I use those emotions to start working on the assignments that I need to finish to graduate.  I will graduate, make something of myself and change.  I will not stay the terrible person that I am now.  I will make myself into someone who would be worthy of Tessa, even though I will never have her again.  I work until I can't keep my eyes open and pass out with my laptop on my lap.

When I wake the sun is high in the sky and I decide it is time to try and talk things over with my mum.  I take a shower and put on my signature black pants and black t shirt.  I don't know if I will ever wear a white t shirt again, knowing that it was Tessa's favorite.  I head out the door and start the drive over to Mike's house.  I know that Mike still married my Mum, even though she cheated on him the night before their wedding with Vance.  I am still not over finding my mom on the kitchen counter with her legs wrapped around Vance's waist and them exchanging a very heated kiss.  As I get closer to the house that I grew up in, I find that it is burnt to the ground. There is nothing left of that hell hole and I couldn't be happier.  I never wanted to see that place again. 

When I think back to that night the only thing that I regret is that Vance got burned in the fire.  Otherwise I couldn't be more pleased with that house being gone.  I pull into the driveway of the next house and sit in the car.  I am not sure that I should do this.  Now that I am here I have all these emotions and I am not sure I can handle them.  The only person who could ever help me with that was Tessa, and I let her go.  I have to learn to do this on my own.  I take a few deep breaths and step out of the car. 

I walk up to the door and knock.  No one answers, so I knock again.  Great maybe she isn't home.  Fuck...  I turn around and get halfway back to my car and I hear the door open.

"Hardin!  Is that you?" I turn around and my mum is standing in the doorway with tears streaming down her face.

I am getting really excited about how this is turning out and how the story is coming along in my head.  I hope you all are liking it!