After Hardin

25

~ HARDIN ~

By the time I reach the gym I've called Dr. Taylor and made an emergency appointment. Anger and fear are pulsing through my body. I'm angry that Tessa is pregnant, I never wanted to have kids. As much as I understand why Tessa didn't tell me right away about the pregnancy, I'm still angry that she kept it from me this long. Kids aren't some little thing to keep from someone, they are life changing. I fear the changes that my children, shit, I never thought I would ever call anyone my child or children, will cause to my life.

Will I be a good father? I mean look at the father figures in my life. From the time I can remember, Ken was drunk. He would disappear long lengths of time and then return extremely drunk and mean. He picked fights with anyone around him, even his child. I always looked up to Vance, until I found out that he is actually my father. What kind of father keeps this information from their child. There were so many times that my Mum and Vance could have told me the truth.

I'm scared that I'll be just as shitty as a father as mine was, and my children will turn out like I did or worse. I mean I couldn't even treat Tessa the way she deserved and she wasn't a defenseless baby.

I punch the bag over and over. Sweat is rolling down my body. My muscles are aching, but I keep attacking. No one at the gym tries to talk to me today, they must see the kind of mood I'm in. I stay at the gym exhausting myself until I need to go to Dr. Taylor's office. I skip the shower and changing and run to his office. I make it with no time left to spare.

Dr. Taylor takes one look at me and knows something has happened. He hasn't seen me like this since the first few weeks that he began working with me. "Hardin, come on in." He closes the door and sits in his usual black leather wingback chair. I sit in a matching chair to the right of his chair. A small table is in between our chairs. "Let's talk about whatever it is that's bothering you."

"Tessa came to England to see me. I ran into her yesterday outside of my Mum's house. When I saw her there, I was hopeful that maybe she wanted to try and work things out. I'm not sure why that was my first thought when I saw her standing there. Anyways, we didn't talk long and made plans to meet today at a coffee shop. I was so excited to see her today." I take a deep breath and try to blink away the tears that are prickling at the back of my eyes.

"I know how you feel about Tessa and that you are working hard to better yourself for her. So what happened that has rattled you so much, Hardin?" Dr. Taylor asks.

"I met her today. She didn't see me approach the table because she was watching the people in the park. She came to see me to tell me that she's pregnant. She found out that she was four weeks pregnant a month after she got back from England. She's a little over five months pregnant now."

"I see. That is some shocking news to find out." Dr. Taylor says. "What is upsetting you the most?"

"The fact that she is pregnant isn't even all of it. She's pregnant with twins. I never wanted to have kids. We always used protection, except for one time right before we broke up and I made her leave England." I let out a sigh and ran my fingers through my hair.

"Tell me, why have you never wanted to have children?" Dr. Taylor prompts.

"I've had shitty father figures. I'm afraid that I will be a shitty dad and fuck up my kids like Ken and Vance have done to me. I don't want that responsibility."

"Hardin, I believe that you will be a great father. You have recognized what Ken and Vance have done to cause issues in your life and you are working on overcoming the results of how they treated you. You recognize that you want to be a better father than they were for you. As long as you make a conscious decision to be a better father, you will do great."