Elsie-Rae's Having a Baby

Trouble Town

I had to go for another scan because they keep saying that my bump is too small for how many weeks I am and that maybe he's not growing properly — maybe he'll be too small when he's born and maybe he'll have to spend some time in the special baby unit. I'm glad they're being cautious, but I don't really want or need to hear it; I'm already anxious enough.

Everything's so weird right now. I did not want to have a baby and now, even though he's not here yet, already I can't imagine life without him. For month's I wanted Will to be here and going through things with me, and now he's sort of here, it's overwhelming — I thought that I wanted him to be involved, but maybe I don't, he's as irritating as my mother.

"Do you think I can come with you for the scan?" he'd asked me. And honestly, I wasn't expecting it, so I ended up saying yes without thinking.

And when we were there, all he did was talk and ask stupid questions. He kept pointing things out on the screen — "there's his foot, and his nose look, his nose is exactly like mine," — and I wanted to tell him to shut up. I wanted to say that I'd seen it all before and if he'd shown some interest he would've already seen it too, but I didn't; I didn't say anything.

"Do you need me to buy anything?" he'd asked. 

It was a bit late for him to start offering help. And he was a right cheapskate anyway, I couldn't imagine him putting his hands in his pocket too much. "You've seen my spare room, I've got everything I need and more. My mum can't help herself." And she really couldn't, to be honest, I was getting fed up of her turning up unannounced with more baby crap that I didn't need or want.

"My one mate, his son only wears designer stuff, should we do that too?"

He really was so stupid!

"Why does he need a wardrobe full of designer clothes? You're as bad as my mother — he doesn't need all the stuff. And let's get one thing straight, there is no us."

What the baby needed more than designer clothes was a father who actually gave a shit. Not someone who was only interested in showing off the designer clothes his kid wore instead of showing off the actual child.

"I thought your mates weren't interested in kids? I thought the one who got someone pregnant on holiday was well and truly fucked? That's what you said wasn't it? He was an idiot and his life was over."

"Yeah, but . . . That's not what I meant, I meant, like, you know what I meant."

I didn't. Because how could his life be over just because he was having a kid? Yeah, so, life as you knew it was over, but it was the start of something else; even if that something else wasn't what you planned, it wasn't as bad as Will had made it out to be. And anyway his friend could've done exactly the same as Will, he could've said, "I don't want this, this isn't for me," and walked away.  "Is that why you left then?"

Will didn't say anything, instead, he inspected his new trainers.

"Is that why you walked away, huh? Your life was over, you didn't want this and I don't know why you're here now! I don't want you here, and I don't even need you here. Why don't you just leave? Go and never come back. You can't buy anything for the baby, you can't be there at the birth and you can't come to visit him when he's born either. He doesn't need you, he has me. He's always had me. You can just fuck off back to Sophie and her son's because my son doesn't need you." I just couldn't help myself, we didn't need him. Did he really think he could just walk back in here after walking out on me all those month's ago? Was he really that stupid that he thought I would forget all about it and everything would go back to the way it was before? That's not how life works, you can't just break something and then say sorry and everything is fixed all of a sudden. No, I was done with him!

"If that's how you feel," he said before walking out, this time he glanced over his shoulder, but I turned my back on him.

I was done with his shit, for good this time.

32 Weeks Pregnant

Your baby is now around 42cm in length and weighing in at just under 4lbs. Their skin is now a lot less transparent and more opaque as the fat continues to develop; they will gain around half a pound per week.

When your baby is awake they will be practising swallowing, breathing, kicking and sucking — all the things they will need in the outside world. When your baby is sleeping, they will be dreaming — I wonder what they dream about.

You might find that your belly-button 'pops' as your bump gets bigger, but don't worry it will go back to normal after. You are no doubt thinking more and more about when you might go into labour and what might happen on the day. Have you written your birth plan? Do you have someone to take you to the hospital? Do you have a back-up plan?

Dr Miranda Carr
Pregnancy Matters

Yes, Doctor Carr, I have written my birth plan. Yes, I do have someone to take me to the hospital because my mother has already arranged that, apparently, she will be one side of me and my sister on the other, they're going to hold a leg each while I give birth, whether I like it or not! And no, no I don't have a back-up plan. Who on earth would be my back-up plan? 

Will text me last night, he called me too and I almost gave in, I even typed out my reply and then I checked myself.

I have to remember that what I'm doing is for my own good and for the good of my unborn child. Will isn't reliable — surely it's better to just cut him off now. I don't want to have this baby and become dependent on him, or for our son to bond with him and then he walks out again.

And I don't want to still fancy him!

I don't want to risk falling in love with him again; that's not a road I want to go down.

I've been having this nightmare, Will's babysitting when I go out with Aaron and the girls, I get mortally drunk — no surprise there — go home and declare my undying love for him and we have sex. And I don't want that, once this is over, I don't even want to look at myself naked, why would anyone else? Especially him, like, he's been with a lot of women — Caroline, she's sophisticated even if she is a gossiping cow; and don't even get me started on Sophie and her perfect tits. How could I compete with those? That's one of the reasons I told him to get lost, I don't want to have to face that kind of rejection, who would?

Nah, I'm much better off without him, we both are.