Karma // 10k Fic // Completed

I'll Do It

"Karma" I knew that voice. Murphy. My jaw clenched and I turned around. His groupies were around him and he had a severed hand sticking up its middle finger in his right hand. 

"I need him. I can't... I can't do this without him." I said letting myself be vulnerable. 

"Will you get injected?" Murphy asked. 

"No," I told him. 

"It's not being afraid. You won't feel-"

"No," I said taking a step forwards. 

"Give up your weapons." He said. I looked around and took a breath. I slowly nodded and dropped my daggers. Two of his minions took the rest of my weapons off me. I numbly stood there and let them. Everything I've been pushing away in my mind came back and flooded my mind. I was lead to a blank room with no windows and only one door. there was a mattress on the floor and I laid down, they shut the door and I was left in the dark. 

Silently the tears flooded my face. I laid there and thought about everything I never fully let myself heal from. 10k getting bit, My mom dying most likely, being selfish and not forgiving my father when he was around, Vasquez leaving, Warren having to raise me in the apocalypse, Doc looking for me and 10k whenever we got lost. Leaving Lucy behind, Homer dying to save us, not mercying Amelia, Athena dying, Mueller, Marilyn, Matheson, Cassandra,  Serena, Mack, and Charlie. They're all dead. Everyone I've ever loved has died or gotten hurt because of me. My chest felt tight and I couldn't breathe. I even hurt innocent people and get them killed. I can't do this anymore. 

I pushed my body off the mattress and walked out into the open. I needed to find something sharp. I need the pain to go away. I walked into a barroom with bottles of alcohol. I unscrewed the cap and started drinking from the bottle. I need to be numb. The slow burn down my throat made me cough. I tilted my head back again and kept drinking. I grabbed another bottle and switched between the two flavors. I stumbled forward and slid to the ground. The tears were falling and I stumbled out the door. I started singing a song I knew from before. 

I heard the angels call again
I threw myself a party

I walked into the Lab and picked things off the table. 

Chardonnay and oxy
I stopped the screams inside my head

I took the liquid drug and pushed it in my veins.

I remember when you had me
Floating high like Sid and Nancy

I took another big gulp of alcohol.

They say it's not the answer but I can't carry on
'Cause I got nowhere, no one, without you boy I'm done

I walked over to the broken glass from where 10k and I jumped from.

And when I'm gone, remember you're the one
And just because I fight don't mean that I never learned how to love

I finished the first bottle and continued with the second. I stopped singing and just stared out at the night sky. I heard footsteps behind me but I didn't care. 

"Nikkole. Come down from there. I can make it all better." Murphy spoke.

"I already don't feel anything," I said and stumbled forwards. I giggled at my actions and Murphy pulled me back away from the edge. Murphy sat me in the chair and my vision was going fuzzy. 

3rd Person POV

"Nikkole you shouldn't be drinking," Murphy said carefully. She laughed bitterly at the statement. 

"Why not? I've ruined everything. I couldn't save 10k. I couldn't save Charlie. Couldn't save Cassandra. Mack. Why do I get to live and they don't?" She took a deep breath and turned her head to look at the older man. He sighed and bent to her level.

"You are alive because you're a fighter." He said.

"Will you bite me?" She asked. The question threw him off guard. He wasn't expecting her to give up this easily. He wasn't planning on turning her into his blend. The tear-stained girl was silently crying and full of brokenness. Murphy sighed and bent over her body. His lips grazed her arm, planting a kiss before he let her arm drop back beside her as he walked out the door. The broken girl still just as broken as before.