His Name Is Mugen

Watching God

I was going to post this tomorrow or Monday but guess what, today is my birthday 🎉🎉🎉🎉 I'm 22 now and I feel so old 😭😭😭😭 So since I'm in a good mood, I decided to post ☺️

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Therapy.

That's where he sent me to make friends with my issues and forgive the thin white lies that crowded my head.

He didn't want to deal with me anymore. His silence these past few days told me so much about him. More than I learned from him in a month.

"What is the problem today, Ms. Smith?" My therapist, Judy, asked. She asked the same question every time I saw her and each time it didn't get any easier to answer.

"I don't know." I shrugged. Everything was a problem. Everything was destroying me. I was destroying myself. I felt numb. My emotions were on a vindictive rampage ever since Mugen left me alone.

Judy took off her glasses and massaged her temples. "Listen Ms. Smith, I won't be able to help you if I don't know what is wrong."

I closed my eyes and thought. "I just wanted to be like the black rose. A mysterious seductress to the naked eye but beyond the surface, an independent wanderer writing her own story with the bold words of 'I love but don't need you' on every page. But, nobody notices the black rose."

"Do you want to be noticed?" Judy clicked her pen.

"No." I shrugged, unsure. "I guess I want to fade into the darkness where no one can see me whither. There would be no one to witness me crumbling."

"So you want to be alone?" She scribbled in her notebook.

"No." I frowned. "Maybe I want someone to love me out of my discomfort and build a sanctuary out of our growing friendship where we can live in pretend."

The tempo of her scribbling picked up. "Ms. Smith, do you honestly believe that is what you truly need at this moment?"

No it probably isn't. I needed to love myself but how could I possibly do that when every thing I touch turns to filth. All my words turn to foam and I'm bleeding out the mouth. All my actions self destruct and it reflects who I truly am inside.

A self loathing virus.

I'm an epidemic to society and an infection to myself. I'm a plight that wants love but also has tendencies to destroy herself.

Think I'm addicted to the madness.

Think I'm addicted to the pain.

Think I might be going insane.

"Do you think maybe you just over think things?" She tried again. I laughed bitterly. I tasted the disagreeing words that clung to my tongue. "I think your problem is that you're still struggling to find yourself. Maybe you should take a break from who you are right now. Why don't you travel the world, learn a few things, and come back to yourself when you find out who you want to be in the future."

The future me. I never thought of her because I was always so sure she'd turn out worse. Perhaps she'd get bolder, smarter, vocal, all the things I'd have to apologize for. I was afraid of her and I was sure she'd be afraid of me.

Because I could destroy her like I destroyed me.

"Find myself, huh." I mumbled.

"Yes." She nodded understandingly. "Don't be embarrassed by it though. Some of us can go through life knowing exactly what it is we want while others struggle to find what's theirs. More often than not, it's the latter that finds themselves scouring the world in search of something to believe in. Life is constantly changing and we as human have to adapt to its demands. You are not alone in this."