Viciously in Love

Twenty four.

Song for this chapter: lovely - Billie Eilish & Khalid

I look at the food that's been sitting on the nightstand for a few minutes, and even if it looks delicious and my stomach is calling for it, I'm not hungry. I can't eat. I don't want to. If I will have a painful death I might as well just get over with it. I'm sick of being scared. It's only been a few hours and I'm already sick of it. I'm exhausted. It's so hard not to cry. Especially when it's all you want to do.

"Nicole."

I look at Jake and I smile. He's great. Ever since he found out I'm sick, he didn't leave me out of his sight. He tried to make me eat and to get out of my bed. He even made me laugh. When he wants, Jake can be an amazing person.

"Why don't you eat something? You'll be discharged soon. You should be able to walk on your own feet when you leave this damn hospital."

Before he finishes his sentence, he clenches his fist trying not to burst. He's trying to stay calm, but I can tell he's tense too. He wants to yell, to swear, to hit something. Just like I do. And I don't mind if he does it. Even if we're in a hospital. But he won't do that. He thinks I'm too fragile for something like that, especially now. I don't blame him. I'm pale, my lips are dry and I have puffy eyes because of all the crying. I look like a ghost. I'm surprised he hasn't ran yet.

"I'm not hungry." I mumble looking away.

"Yes, you are." he says grabbing the tray with food and taking a sit on the bed, in front of me. "I haven't seen you eat anything since yesterday."

He takes the spoon and grabs some mashed potatoes and heads it towards my mouth.

"I'm scared." I whisper looking him in the eyes.

Scared doesn't even cover it. I'm terrified. I'm all alone. My parents are on a different continent and I'm here, sick. I've kept repeating myself that I'm dying, so I can get used to it... But I can't. I just can't do that.

"I know." he sighs putting the spoon down. "It's ok to be scared. But you have to understand you're not alone... and that you're going to be fine. As long as you take your medication... everything will be fine."

He grabs my hand and caresses my cold fingers.

"Yeah..." I say between my tears. "I am alone. I want my parents. I know it's childish, but I want my mom, and my dad. I want to see them. Now. I want to hold them. I want them to tell me they love me and that is ok, and that eveything will be ok. And I want to fucking believe them. I want to not be scared anymore. I need them, I need their help... I miss them so fucking much." I say almost whispering. I can barely talk with all the crying and the hiccups.

"Damn it, Nicole! You're not fucking alone! Why the hell can't you understand?" he yells grabbing my face in his hands. "I will help you." he punctuates. "I won't abandon you for anything in this world. And I won't let you be scared. Please, trust me. Everything will be fine. Just... Let me help you. Let me be here for you... with you."

He sticks his forehead on mine and I start crying even harder.

Fuck this. Fuck this disease. Fuck my fear. Fuck the distance between me and my parents. Fuck Jake because he's so good to me right now.

"I'm so scared." I sigh when he grabs me between his arms. "I'm terrified. Jake... I will die."

"Don't you ever say that, ever again!" he yells pulling away so he can look me in the eyes. "Damn it, Nicole, you won't die. Not now. You have decades until then. This disease won't kill you. You will die of old age. You will have a long, happy life and you will do everything you planned to do. You will be happy! I promise you!"

I hug him again, as hard as again, and I let my tears roll down my face one last time. Jake is promising me happiness. A normal life. So I believe him. I want to believe him. I need to believe him.

   *

Jake looks at me and squeezes my hand.

I know. I know you're here. I'm counting on that.

Liz is sitting on the chair, looking at me worried. I've never seen her this worried. Or maybe it's just pity.

"Sweetie... I know you're scared, and that you probably want to forget about everything that happened today... but unfortunately, you can't. There are a lot of things that you should know about you're condition..."

"You mean disease." I mumble interrupting her.

Silence. It's so quiet it hurts. She looks down and sighs. Jake looks at me worried and I look out the window.

Liz is about to tell me eveything I'm supposed to know about my condition. I should probably pay attention to what going to kill me...

I promised I won't say that anymore...

   *

I'm crying in Jake's arms. Again. I'm not at the hospital anymore. I've been discharged hours ago. The second I got home, I sat on the couch and I started crying. And Jake joined me.

"It will be awful." I mumble in his shoulder.

"It will be ok." he sighs caressing my hair.

"Which part will be fucking ok?" I yell pulling away so I can look at him. "The mental breakdowns? The scars and marks I will have on my body? The pain? The reaction I will have to the medication?l

"It will be ok!" he yells trying to cover me.

"Stop saying that!" I yell getting up off the couch. "Just... fucking stop." I sigh passing a hand through my hair. "I can't. I can't do that. It will be too hard. I can't."

"Calm down." he gets up the couch and comes closer to me.

"I have to go back home.

Our eyes meet and we stop. The darkness in his eyes calm me, now, more than ever. His eyes are full of hope, and confidance and... desperation.

"We'll figure it out. I promise." he sighs and hugs me again.

Fuck! I'm really starting to like this.

Him.