Viciously in Love

Forty four.

Song for this chapter: Bleed out - Isak Danielson

   "Are you still sleeping?" Kelly mumbles.

I shake my head still looking out the window. That's all I did the entire night. I couldn't sleep at all.

"Do you want to talk?" she asks after she turns around to face me.

I shake my head again. I don't want to talk about my boyfriend, or about his lies, or about how much he hurt me. I don't want to talk about what happened yesterday, about what I did in the bathroom. I don't want to talk about it. I can't.

"Are you hungry?" she keeps asking.

"No." I finally speak.

"So you want anything? Water? A hug? Do you want me to go kill that son of a bitch?"

"I don't want anything."

I hear a knock at the door interrupting our conversation and I flinch thinking that could be Jake.

"Nicole?" Liz's voice makes me sigh relieved. "Can I come in?"

Kelly looks at me and I nod. She gets out of bed and unlocks the door so Liz can come in.

"Hey." she smiles when she sees me. "Are you ok, sweetie?" the look in her eyes makes me feel worse. I can't tell if it's pity or if she's just worried about me.

My eyes fiel with tears again, and before I realize, I'm crying again. Liz comes and hugs me and tells me everything will be fine. I know it won't be fine today. Or tomorrow. Maybe not even next week. But I will be fine eventually. I don't know when or how... but I know I will suffer a lot until then. Hopefully not as much as I do now.

"It's ok sweetie. It will be ok. I promise." she caresses my hair. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Do I? What could I possibly tell her? Your son is a dick? He screws me all over again? Liz is an amazing woman and she doesn't diserve to hear that.

"I talked to Jake." she says making me look up from my hands. "He looks horrible. Matt says he didn't sleep at all."

"Neither did she." Kelly says defending me.

   I'm glad he suffers too. I'm glad he didn't have a good night sleep. I'm glad that everything that happened yesterday haunts him too. I'm glad he's not ok.

"He wants to talk to you. He wants to solve things." she says and I shake my head.

"I don't want to talk to him and there's nothing to solve." I say making her sigh. "I don't know if he actually slept with her or not... but I know we've been through something like this before. If he wants to be with her he should've said... But no... He chose to lie and hurt me and possibly himself too." I sigh wiping my tears. "I can't look at him. I don't want to... not after everything he said..." I mumble.

"Then don't." she interrupts me. "I'll be right back.

She gets up the bed and leaves the room without saying anything else. I look at Kelly confused and she jumps her shoulders just as confused as me. I hear Jake's door open and I panic. Kelly leaves the room and closes the door behind her, defending it from Jake.

Silence. For a few seconds there is silence. All I hear is some mumbling from the room next to mine. I get up the bed and I get closer to the door. I'm about to ask Kelly what's going on but I hear my phone ring. I turn around and I get it off my bed. My heart skips a beat when I see the caller's name but I decide to answer.

"Nicole." Jake's voice makes me feel a shiver down my spine. He's worried. I don't know if he's been crying but his voice his deep and it's shaking.

"I'm here." I whisper trying to hide my sobbing.

"I know. You always have." I can't see him but I know he's smiling. I know him. "I'm so, so sorry." he sighs.

"For lying to me, for all those hurtful words you said about me or for breaking my heart?"

I wipe my tears away the second they roll down my face like he could actually see me.

"For everything. I never wanted to do that. I never wanted to hurt you, I don't know why I said everything I said..."

"But you did..." I interrupt him. "And I can't just forgive you for that." I sigh.

God, it hurts so bad!

"Nicole, I didn't sleep with her."

"You lied to me."

"Yes." he whispers and I can barely hear him.

"Why?"

"Because I'm an idiot. Because I had this amazing girl who I loved, and everything was going perfect and I had to fuck it up somehow." his voice starts to break. "We had a fight. You said you don't trust me... it hurt. It hurt when you said that, Nicole."

"So you decided to hurt me a thousand times more."

"No..." he sighs. "I don't know what I was thinking. I wasn't, actually... But I know I regret every single word I said, every single second you suffered, every tear you dropped... I broke my promise..."

"You did."

   Fuck you, Jake. Fuck your words, your lies and fuck you for hurting me. I don't care how much you're hurting. I don't care how sorry you are. I don't care how much you love me. We've been through this before. You fuck it up and I forgive you even if you break my heart. Not anymore. I hate you. I have the right to hate you, so I will. You don't deserve people to love you because all you want to do is hurt them. I don't want you in my life anymore. I hate you.

   I should say that.

   I should tell him how much I hate him because I love him. I should hurt him just as much as he hurts me... But I'm not like him.

"I still love you. I don't hate you. Yet..." I whisper between my teeth. "I hope I'll hate you... You're right. You had something good and you ruined it for good... Maybe one day I can look you in the eyes without it hurting. Maybe one day I won't love you anymore. Maybe one day I will forget about you... But until then... You can go to hell, Jake."