Set You Free (CANEM)

XXXV

She had never seen him like this.

It killed her inside to walk away but she couldn't do it.

Not again.

Being so close to him began to break her walls down.

Naturally, she had to make sure he was okay but she told herself that was all she needed to do, even though she longed to lay by his side and sleep on his shoulder until morning came.

He hung on her every thought. Each time she did something, she rehearsed how she would tell him the news, imagining his reaction and response. As she did so, the thoughts of how sunlight would dance on his skin as he smiled to her clattered around her mind. It gave her the old sensation of warmth, the spark of hope for the long gone connection between them.

But who was she kidding?

She had to stop.

Anything to do with him always brought her more pain, so staying away from him until everything blew over was the best thing she could do.

-

"I'm just waiting around here in between the lines, under the light of your eyes, in the breath of your mouth, as in a beautiful happy day, which remains beautiful and happy, even when my head is sick and tired."

- Letters to Milena by Franz Kafka 

-

The morning sun sung through the window and almost blinded her with its orange rays.

Rubbing her eyes, Sanem made her way into the kitchen, an empty room greeting her. To some, the quiet shell would be comforting. But to her, it just stood out, lacking any kind of presence or comfort that other people would bring. 

She had slept in a little longer than she usually did and the sunrise had just bypassed her morning. The weather seemed warm and the air was dry. She could see the full length of her garden through the glass windows but the surroundings seemed pretty devoid of life.

From the eggs she had collected the day previous, she fixed herself an omelette. 

Quiet and alone.

As she scraped the edges of the pan with her spatula, the thoughts invaded her head again.

Normal thoughts barely formed in her mind before they were replaced with the melancholy longing and the fantasies of what could be if she were only brave enough to tell him. All the deep dark thoughts that she tried to subdue in her head. 

How, after everything, she still wanted him.

The food became like cardboard, chewy and difficult to eat. The little flecks of sunshine had no meaning unless she could experience it with him. 

"Günaydın."

She looked up to see Ceycey striding in.

"Günaydın Ceycey." She smiled as he sat down by her side.

"Where is everybody?"

"Bilmiyorum" He shrugged. "Anyone in particular?"

"Hayir." She exclaimed quickly.

Sanem got up and took her plate to the kitchen area, pouring water over the dirty dishes to clean them.

"I didn't see him when I walked in if that's what you wanted to know." Ceycey smirked cheekily.

"Who? What? Who do you mean?" Sanem spluttered, trying to cover any kind of suspicion.

He raised his eyebrow, not believing a word she said.