Project: Socialize (Chapters 198-Continued) [Hiatus]

291. Don't Leave Me

I walked into the same garden that I used to visit so often when I was just a child and took in the garden. This place still appeared rather familiar, but...I am not sure if the same servants that took care of the garden in my childhood are still taking care of this one garden.

I looked over in the direction where the dirt pit was supposed to be and saw that the spot was still kept as it were when I had last played in it. This perplexed me, as this should have been the first part of the garden to be fixed when I ceased playing in it. But...for some reason, it's kept in place.

I walked over to the dirt pit, stopping just before the grass at where the stone walkway ended. Looking up, I looked at the same tree as I did when I was a child. Yet...this tree now appeared much...reachable, unlike before. It was the sticks of this tree that I often used as a stylus to draw in the dirt, so this tree is as if a friend to me in my childhood.

I nostalgically smiled in the tree's direction, thanking it in my mind for the fun and shelter that it provided me when I was a child. Afterwards, I slowly turned around and readied myself to prepare for my exit from this garden.

I halted in my steps when I saw that this garden has received visitors. Without faltering, I stared into Loriana's eyes as she stood by the garden's entrance with her mouth slightly open in surprise when she saw me. Accompanying her is a single female servant, whom I believe must also be a capable fighter and serves as her personal guard.

Loriana whispered to her follower in a voice that is inaudible to me, and that young woman soon disappeared, leaving the garden to the two of us.

"It's been a while," Loriana said to me, smiling.

I nodded in response. This is the first time in a few years that I am speaking to her one-on-one where it is just the two of us. the last time when it was simply the two of us...I was still a mere child. It was probably prior to Zaksus's birth, but...whatever. It's been years anyways.

"You...want to sit and talk for a bit?" she asked me, taking a step to the side and peering in the direction of the pavilion that has been maintained to be in the utmost quality. So new, that it appeared to have been recently rebuilt; yet the style of this new building appeared to be the same as the one prior.

"Sure," I muttered in response, nodding my head and followed after her as the two of us walked over to the pavilion.

The two of us subconsciously sat down in the same location as we did when we first met, sitting opposite of each other. However, unlike the time when I had first met her, I am now more mature. I have seen pretty much everything, experienced everything. The long journeys, wars fought, and conquests...it had carved and molded me in the form of a hardened veteran. Nothing can faze me now, as the many life-threatening situations I've experienced had taught me that staying calm is the trick to surviving.

But...why is it that deep down within me, there still exists that feeling of insecurity and nervousness when I face her now? It's as if...my heart had slowly increased in its frequency of beating slightly. But...although it is slight, it is still plenty noticeable to me.

"It must have been difficult," she said, folding her arms and the wide-brim sleeves of her robe on her lap. "You've really...grew up."

Without saying anything, I simply stared at her. With the aid of my helmet, she is unable to see my face. Therefore, I can cower behind this protection and allow her to experience any potential awkwardness. I do not have to worry about it and can allow her to be the one initiating the conversation.

"Can you...take off your helmet?" she looked up and straight into the eye holes of my helmet and directly peered into my eyes. "I...want to see how you've changed."

"Is it really necessary?" I asked.

"You don't have to if you want."

"It's fine," I responded, removing my helmet and placed it on top of the stone table. "There's no one around..."

On her face was a look of a silent shock when she caught a glimpse of my face. Her lips were slightly parted as she stared at me with her eyes widened. Seeing her somewhat surprised for some reason was quite amusing and pleasing to me. Maybe it is this feeling of achieving something remarkable and finally having someone acknowledge it, but...I just felt a brief moment of happiness in my heart.

"You've really changed," she smiled and said. "Grew up into a handsome young man."

"You've changed somewhat as well," I answered in response.

"Changed into an old woman," she chuckled and said in a calm and self-mocking manner.

"I wouldn't say so," I responded. "You still retain the same beauty as when I first met you. There's even a veil of maturity over it now."

"Is that so," she chuckled as if my words had put her in a happy mood. "That's nice to hear. But...you don't have to be considerate and lie to me."

"I'm not," I responded.

I am not lying. Those are my true feelings. She still hold the same charm as she did when I first met her, and time itself has acted as a beautician, making her appear even more attractive as ever. This is a beauty that wars could be waged for...

"It has really been some time since we last talked like this," she commented as she gazed off into the distance in a dreamy manner. "Where it's just the two of us..."

"Yeah," I nodded.

"Alevian," her lips moved in a rather seductive manner when she muttered my name. "Why did you...slowly disappear from my life?"

She peered in my direction as if in a blaming manner, interrogating me for an answer. Yet...this is something that I am not confident that I can respond appropriately. Therefore, I looked away and avoided eye contact and remained silent...

"Is it something...that you do not wish to discuss?"

Yes...it is. I do not wish to let her know that I was angered by the fact that your attention no longer belonged to me. I do not wish to let her know that I've always felt a bitter melancholy when I am around her. Despite the smile on my face, despite the false cheerfulness that I exhibited, deep down within me, there always existed a demon, a monster that yearned for her. When I was young, I do not understand this feeling, but as I matured and interacted with more and more woman, I recognized that...that demon was a child of my jealousy and anger. It is borne from the despair of knowing that she is one of Father's concubines, and can never be mine. It is this...agonizing and torturous demon that made me want to distance myself, made me want to leave this painful place that is filled with her. It is what made me escape into the blazes of war because only when my heart is racing and adrenaline pumping from my life being put on the line, only when I am in the middle of a blazing battle that I can momentarily forget about her, forget about everything associated with her and occupy myself with the sole thought of slaying whoever stood against me and conquer land. 

"It's...getting rather late," I said, standing up from my seat and grabbed my helmet. "I should go now."

"It's just past noon," Loriana observed as she frowned when I got up from my seat and turned my back towards her.

"..." This is...a rather difficult position that I am in. If I were to leave right now...it would probably hurt her. But...if I do not leave, then I will simply harm myself.

"I have them keep this garden the exact way as when we first met." Loriana's voice trembled slightly as I heard her also rise from her seat and walk over in my direction. "Ever since you left, I do not want to lose our only source of connection."

I suddenly felt a gentle warmth slowly press up against me from behind. Soon, I felt her arms slowly wrap around my waist. Through the metal plating of my armor, I can still feel the softness of her body as she embraced me from behind, clinging onto me tightly as if in fear that I will once again slip away from her.

"Please..." she whispered in a weeping tone. "Don't leave me without saying anything ever again...."