ISKRIBOL (Mga Suka ng Isang Bored na Otistik)

Suka #20

MELODRAMATIC RANT | On grenades and unrequited love (Article published on Definitely Filipino's website: http://definitelyfilipino.com/blog/2014/05/12/on-grenades-and-unrequited-love/)

I admit it. The Fault in Our Stars really got me. And I mean really hard (my manly precipices are shattered with pride). It also got me into deep shit thinking about love and life. You see, I’m in love with this woman but I barely know her. Sure we shared really awesome moments together. She told me things she didn’t tell to others but I don’t make a big deal out of it in my defence. Well, a little bit. Worse is that she is way out of my league. The best metaphor I could think right now is a frog and a princess. She is beautiful. But I don’t mean ‘beautiful’ like beautiful (though she really is physically beautiful). It is a rare case scenario when the entire universe seems in place and she’s there at the center and all you could think of is one word, and that’s ‘beautiful’. So that’s it. She’s beautiful and I’m me.

Enough with self-pity. I also wondered if what kind of a person she really is. I mean, if she’s a grenade with all her tantrums and manic behavior, can I handle it? No, the real question is: do I deserve the privilege of being hurt? I’ve been into all sorts of crappy relationships and every break up I feel like I don’t deserve being hurt at all. This time, I needed to be sure that I’ll be hurt and feel deserved for it. If she really is a grenade, I want to be the best shield and damage-absorbent armor she can get. I’ll gladly embrace the explosion.

But the odds of us being together are sky high apart. I may consider myself lucky enough to be in the friend zone. She has this wide circle of friends and acquaintances and all I have is a little triangle of parents, four friends, and her. However, I got this notion of the courage of loving someone without expecting something in return. The feeling twitches but it is kind of valiant at the same time. You feel happy when she’s happy. You listen to her stories (mostly about other people) and you feel connected though it is not the real case. You care for her more than you could for any other living thing in the world (except your parents and Emma Watson and Shailene Woodley) and at the same time accepting the fact that you will not receive the same amount of affection. You think about her all the time and she is busy being herself. You put her life ahead of yours, seeing her being happy and maybe someday being happy with someone else but you could not do anything about it. Maybe the best thing to do is to confess. But confessions are breakers. They break reality. They break the fact that she is better off without you but you are being selfish so you are going to confess. But sometimes they break dreams. They break the illusion that you can’t reach her, that you are an ugly frog madly in love with a princess. They break the illusion of the unrequited. And that is the sweet risk worth tasting.