ISKRIBOL (Mga Suka ng Isang Bored na Otistik)

Suka #8

MELODRAMATIC RANT | Dear Someone

Before reading this post, think of someone, something, that you don't want to lose. It is necessary.

Dear Someone,

I know I've been hard on you these past few days. I lose my temper in a way that scares you. When I was about to explain to you, you got mad. You never gave me the chance to be listened to. I cried my lungs out hoping that you will lend me your ears, and heart, for a couple of minutes trying to say the EXACT words that I could speak, with all that I can. I was tongue tied.

I maintained calm, with fear that you might burst up and again, speak of breaking up as if it is an offer, that nothing else can be done to save our relationship. Even if how much it hurts, I still wear that smile - the same smile when I first met you and talked to you. Yes, I'm always thinking of the good memories we had while having an argument. You changed a lot. I changed a lot. We changed a lot. And that change made me suffer so much, I even bumped my head trying to forget everything - that I should have never met you. But it was still there. We continued our fights and arguments. We settled temporarily, but then I know that a single word can change anything any second. I was confused. I love you so much, that it hurts.

How can we ever go back to the persons we used to be before? I was hopeless.

We once made memories that I know will last for a lifetime. We held hands like surpassing all trials that may come our way. We laughed like there's no tomorrow. We shared love more than anyone could ever imagine. We were happy back then. You smiled a lot - and I missed that smile so much.

Then I did everything to see that smile again. I asked you what should I do, and I did it.

You said you can be jealous so easily. So I stayed away from my friends - especially girls.

You said you can't handle your pride any moment. I stayed humble. I never knew how many times I said sorry to you. But I do know, it was everyday.

You told me that you drink. I was terrified back then. Do you even know how much it pierced my heart every moment you say that you were drunk? I was angry. I was so worried about you.

I made you my priority. I don't even know if you treat me like that as well. But one thing is for sure, it was unfair.

I am not perfect. I make mistakes. And I wanted you to accept me for that.

"I will do anything you want me to", I said that to you, remember? I hoped you saw and recognized my efforts. You once said to me that little things matter most. I was encouraged to even more push effort for our relationship.

But at some point, it was one day, I noticed that you are hooked too much to your friends. It seemed you might even sacrifice anything for them, including us. I confronted you. You got mad. I felt sorry, regretting that I should have never said that. I then decided to keep things, mostly the painful ones, to myself. It was hard.

There was one time you got jealous over some friend of mine. Do you even know that I was happy back then? Yes, it makes me happy knowing that you care and fear that you might lose me. I smiled, teased you, and we laughed our hearts out.

I then got jealous one time. I opened up to you. Do you even know that I hoped that you will smile, tease me, and we will laugh our hearts out? But it was different. You got mad saying you don't like me asking such silly questions. I never saw your smile that day.

You noticed that I often use my laptop when we're together. You confronted me. I then made my move. Whenever you come, I always put that thing aside and spend the time with you.

I then noticed that you often use your cellphone, wondering if someone texted you, while we're together. I confronted you. But you got mad. I was so sad, reminding you of how much time we have left together.

We didn't have much time. Only one year is left, and you will fly abroad. I kept asking you to extend your studies here. But every time I ask, your answer never changed.

"No. I'm too tired of studying. I wanna leave."

Do you even know that I just want us to graduate together?

Then I was depressed. I kept telling myself that I will only cry on our wedding day. I saved much tears back then. But it started to fall. I cried, not because of you, but of me being useless.

Every moment we engage to an argument, I punch myself. I realized how unworthy I am of you. I kept telling myself that you are always angry because of me. I wanted to punish myself. I kept punching myself, bumping my head to every wall that I can see, hurting my useless existence. You changed because of me. 

I should have never told you that I was jealous. 

I should have never told you that it was unfair.

I should have never told you to stop drinking.

I should have never told you to spend more time with me than your friends.

I should have never told you to control your pride.

I should have never told you anything that hurts you. I was insensitive.

I hoped you understand. I love you so much. I will never, ever hurt your feelings anymore. My pain will be kept silent as long as you tell me so.

Your better half,

No One.