The Life of Me pt.1

july 29th 2017 2:26 am

no sleep. i don't care. besides i only get sleep on the weekends anyway, well if i fall asleep to begin with. i haven't eaten in a while either. i might eat something small today. be it a slice of bread, or ramen. then again, i probably wont eat at all. all i'm running on is an empty stomach and my really downed mood. i feel horrible, really horrible. i'm not going to get sleep, or something to eat today, and tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow. i'm used to going days at a time without food.
i break down easily. something bad happens i break down and struggle to hold in whatever i want to let out. it's just one of the many things people use against me. it's happened before. and if anything i've learned tells me, it will always happen, again and again.
i still want to kill myself. i still very much want to kill myself. "you only live once" people say, "live life to the fullest" others say. to hell with them i say. sure other have had a worse life. people have had horrible pasts. people have been bullied before. but they have friends to count on. i only have one person to count on, and even then there is still a small voice in the back of my head saying "shes just like everyone else. she will never be there​ for you. she will just be like that other person that got close to you. she will backstab you when you need her most, and leave you out to die, just like everyone else." most days it grows, very rarely it shrinks. i can't change it. just i haven't trusted a person in years to suddenly trust the first person to want o help me. everyone else has lived with their past, and they have found comfort in friends and family. i don't have a family. just a group of people that hate me and forget me easily. those people that have had terrible lives always end up bringing it around. they go from horrible to something great. what is it i can do? i can't do anything useful. i only waste space. she already broke her promise. 36 days it lasted until i did what i do best. stop caring and think. think about what i could do if i weren't me. think about what happens to me everyday. think about how you can force people to forget me. i just stopped everything i did. i didn't talk. i didn't write. to be honest i couldn't write or talk. i mainly thought about how i could kill myself quickly. and those thoughts increased when jannessa broke her promise. a large part of me was convinced she either hated me or forgot me just like everyone else. and that lead to hours of crying. long hours of crying. i wanted to die. the only reason i'm still alive now is because of that promise. and to have it break suddenly, and to have it worsen it broke during one of those times where i'm really, really, really depressed. a feeling that takes me at least two weeks to get out of. i'm still there.
blood. i'm bleeding from a new cut on my hand. i made that one. i made it entirely on for a reason. but i forgot the reason.
i rally want to kill myself, and yet i'm still here writing.