The Life of Me pt.1

March 10th 2017 10:27 pm

I wish I could change some things. I nearly lost to myself today, during health we watched our teacher direct a lambs heart. I think, I sat up against the wall keeping my eyes away. Others did the same thing, not for the same reason though. I did it out of fear, fear of the other Kevin coming out. When I see real blood, or anything that involves something dead, not in movies or in pictures, he comes out. I wonder if anyone wondered hey I was saying "Keep it together, keep it together, keep it together" over and over again? Most likely not. Plus in math it felt like my head was splitting over my right eye. All the way over my head. It felt like something was trying to crawl it's way out. I think some people were asking if everything was okay? I don't know exactly, but if they did I would say yes, just a headache. When it was true pain that made me feel like I was bleeding. Although I didn't end up bleeding, I wish I did though, it would've gotten me out of there faster. I probably shake it off, I would probably say, "I hit my dears while ducking down to get my pencil", no one would believe it though.
And in typing I felt different, there's this dumbass, and I mean he's dumb as a rock, and I mean a sand sized rock. He's completely super, always saying how big his... junk is. Trust me, everyday he speaks he gives me a headache, and at times I wish I would just let this bond holding the other Kevin back, and releasing him on that dumbass. But if I did, the damage would be colossal, I promise you that. Fourteen years of pain, anger, suffering, humiliation, and hatred balled up and shoved deep down suddenly being released, it's not good. I can tell you that much. That a big reason why I want to take JROTC during high school. So I can build up my body, and if I need to workout for it, I'd just find some tree, or wall, and just keep punching it, even when my knuckles crack, I'm not going to move away from that wall, or tree. It'd be a great way to blow off steam. I'd still sit alone at lunch, that's not changing, that's for sure.
Is it me? Or is someone watching me? And don't say god, or Santa! Neither one of them exists. You may believe in that dumb crap that adults tell you so you'll behave nicely. So idiot today was giving me a lecture of how god loves each and everyone of us, and that everyone else love me too. I just told him that "God is stupid, he's just something some moron made up so his children would listen to him. And if he was real, why would he force me to be stuck with a demon as my only friend, the only family I know, the only one that knows me?" And he just said that it was made for a purpose, and that it's not a demon, but an angel, mind you, this moron is a black kid, just like the other one I was telling you about, so he just said that I need whatever a Jeanzis is. After that we went to the upper gym with the other health class to watch a heart get sliced into.
I know this one person that seems to care for me, a person at school, Janessa, I think. I think whenever I see her eyes on me she looks at me with sorrow. I don't know why she cares for a person like me, but for some reason I think she likes me. I don't know if I feel the same way though, I can't tell if I feel the same for myself, or anyone. Wow, if the person I'm thinking about is one of my two unknown followers, (or one, I don't know anymore) then thus would be, storage, wouldn't it. Especially if my guess is right, and they had already put my identity into her life, then wow. That highly unlikely.
I say a lot of lies, some I can't think about them before I say them. The only thing I can feel in a heart which has a big hole in it, and I can't tell if it's emotional, I wish there was a way of knowing. Knowing what truly ills one, knowing of what pains another, knowing of a way to stop the hurt, hoping for a light in this darkness. But I don't know if I'll ever find it, maybe I will, but probably never. It will most likely never happen. Who would help me out of this chasm, no one I can think of. If the were to let a rope down, I wouldn't reach out for it. You never know who's pulling you out. Or you know. It all depends on who you believe in.
You may have heard stories of how people have help people like me, but I can't tell if I'd be helped. Nobody seems to care for me. And if the do notice me, there trying to break me. So they can make fun of me. If they did break me, they wouldn't just hurt me more, they would break the chains holding me together, keeping this demon at bay, they'd release him. And what would be left of me would disappear. Forever. But if I do go crazy, please don't try to help me. I'd be gone, there'd be no more Kevin, but only the other Kevin will remain, he's told me himself, when he's out, I'm dead first. I don't want to go to sleep, it's all but him now, no dream, no nightmare, just him.