Reflections - Review Requests

30. Burning (TO)

Reviewer: WendyKopulchu

Burning, by DunePercabeth, opens with an interesting concept of an individual alienated from the rest of society because of a secret ability, but the first scene reminded me too much of the party scene in Frozen. You have a princess with white hair, locked up because she's afraid of her power, who goes to a party she isn't interested in, shuns men, and accidentally displays her magic in front of everyone, which causes them to freak out. And, instead of the royals denying Eira's involvement or handling the situation, they lash out and make the problem worse. As a reader, I am not sure why to continue or what to look forward to because there is no story description. As someone who has read the first four chapters, I would have to say that this is cliche and that it will probably continue to be so.

Advice to the author:

I hope this does not discourage you or your writing. I tell it like it is. Here are some suggestions to help you clean it up. First, write a story description. You have a nice cover, so people will be inclined to click on it, but if there is no story description, there is no reason for readers to keep going. Give a brief summary of the plot, including the conflict, and give a few important details about your main character (she is an adar and a princess, being two). Secondly, if your aim was to step away from the cliche, pick out some of the cliche moments and ask yourself why you put them there in the first place, and if it will still work if you changed it. For example, what reason does Eira (I love her name btw) have for her "I don't need no man" mentality? Remember, a character's traits and personality are shaped by her environment and experiences. Did she have a relationship that ended badly? Maybe she was secretly in love with a servant, but she realized that he was only after her throne, and now she doesn't trust men.

Here are some stylistic things that will make the story smoother. First, delete your first chapter with the pronunciations. They're self-explanatory and only stand as a barrier to your story. I would also delete the first section of Chapter One. It is just exposition that can come out through thoughts or dialogue through the course of the story. It also negates suspense. Another thing that bothered me was that Eira and her parents were very hung up on the adar thing. After twenty something years, they shouldn't have to remind her to keep a lid on it. She would probably have been to other parties and know how to handle herself. Apart from that, I would combine some of your chapters. They are short and cutting scenes into parts slows the momentum. I hope this helps :)