Reflections - Review Requests

18. Bedevilled Angel (TO)

Author: yashlynn29

Genre: The Otherworldly/Supernatural

Reviewer: squirrelg

First impressions:

The cover is well-made, but from the art itself, I had no idea what the story would be about. "Bedevilled Angel" suggested a supernatural theme involving angels and demons, but I couldn't tell anything from that face. When I got to the blurb, I was hit by multiple awards. Congratulations! However, what a reader really wants to see is an idea of the story. I would suggest inverting the order there - blurb first, then awards. Your reader would be drawn into the story, as well as be excited that they're reading something that others have approved of.

What I liked:

I liked the character Livvy, although I had no idea why she was so attached to the main character Grace. She was nice though, and was fresh and distinct from her group. Jeremy was also a character that stood out, although his behaviour was a little "too nice" and hence questionable. I also liked the hints you dropped about who or what attacked Grace and the group that rescued her having something to do with angels. It would be cool if you had more of that to keep the pace going strong!

Technicalities:

The story began with lots of sentences with the same starting structure, "I [verb]". By the time I got to the second paragraph, I was tired out. I would try to mix sentence structures up a bit, having varied constructions and lengths. That way, your narrator won't come off as repetitive and having a bit of an ego.

The tense also slips into present sometimes - make sure you proofread and look for tense slips in particular. Same with spelling mistakes.

Separate different people talking with paragraph breaks! Otherwise it gets really confusing for the reader to follow, especially as you introduce so many characters in one go (coming up later...)

Other things:

I found it hard to "cheer on" Grace as the main character. There was not much that stood out about her that made me a devout supporter. Some of her self-reflections and internal dialogues were a bit weak - the voice in narration would suddenly change to sound less mature than the rest of the story. I found her quite mundane and predictable, in terms of how she would react to each character as they were introduced. Also, I found it weird how she wasn't really fazed at all after being attacked; rather, she was more attentive to her height compared to her new friends. I think her reactions need a bit of refining.

Also, you introduced a load of characters as soon as Chapter 2, and I found it almost impossible to keep up with who was who. Even if some characters were only mentioned in passing, it was really confusing for me, especially since they aren't all developed in detail straight away. I found the group to sort of blend together into cocky guys and some other randoms, plus Jeremy and Livvy. I think you should introduce characters in a more staggered manner, and let the reader to get to know each person a bit before you introduce someone else. So, I would avoid eating scenes where the reader is introduced to a whole table of new characters.

Jeremy was a bit overly-nice, which turned out a little creepy. He and Grace were holding hands despite just meeting, and Grace saying that she probably didn't like him "that way", yet neither of them were nervous or bothered. It was weird to hear about his phobia and then have him not react awkwardly at all.

Other random things: there was a bit of inconsistency where someone said that Destiny was Jeremy's cousin in chapter 3, then Grace asked again in chapter 4. Also, why is everyone going around kissing Grace's hand?

Clichés:

The main clichés that I found were with your characters. There was the "every guy likes the main girl" dynamic, while the main character was insecure about herself (eg in front of Destiny, always thinking she's too short) and everyone else was extremely good looking. The guys were also cliché: Jeremy being the nice one who wanted to protect Grace (a bit too soon as well), Jake and Jordan acting like twats, Linc giving Grace the cold shoulder. This made those characters seem one-dimensional and predictable. I would suggest adding quirks and flaws to those characters, such as Jeremy taking a bit longer to break out of his shell (but be careful with a sob story), and the other guys having their own insecurities that they eventually expose to Grace.

Destiny was a cliché bitch (am I allowed to swear here?) - really pretty, got a huge attitude, didn't like Grace for whatever reason, and has a grudge against someone in the group. I'm not sure what to think of her because one moment she's an arse and the next she is explaining why Jeremy talks to her quite reasonably and calmly. I don't think she would go from one personality to the other so quickly (as a normal person - unless she has a reason). I suggest not labelling the characters as "bitch", "annoying", "nice" etc, and just flesh out their personalities. Sometimes unexpected traits will come up. Maybe try doing some character exercises?

Ending notes:

I don't know why I sound sarcastic today. Maybe I should go write some more of my sarcastic narrator book. Your writing is not bad but I just saw a some things that you could improve on, especially your characterisation. Congratulations on those awards! I wish you good luck with your writing.