Who I am {Phil Lester}

chapter 30.

INDIE'S POV;

I finished packing everything I had up. I've been living at Dan and Phil's apartment for about three or four months now, and I enjoyed it. But I couldn't keep going on, living here. It was inevitable- this choice, I mean. All of us knew it was going to happen some day. I mean, nothing lasts forever, and nothing stays the same. It was time. I had to leave everything behind.

I had to leave Phil behind. I could never talk to him or Dan again. There was really nothing left here for me. Kim died. I didn't attend her funeral; it would pull me down too much. I wouldn't have been able to deal with it as well as I have been during the first month of me living at the boys' apartment. I missed Kim and I grieved for her, but I had to let go. Just like I have to let go of Phil now, as well as Dan.

Kyle was dead as well. Phil and I would never work out. Dan was a great friend, sure, but I still couldn't stay here. I still would contact Dan by phone, I couldn't afford to lose a great friend like himself.

It was official. I had my plane ticket, my passport, everything was packed, and I was about to say my goodbyes to the boys. I dragged my stuff into the living room, and placed it down with a huff. Dan and Phil were looking at me, almost as if they were counting on me to change my mind. But I couldn't. Not now. This was what I wanted. A brand new, fresh start.

"So.. I guess this is goodbye," I said, my eyes flicking between the two boys. "I'm gonna miss you guys. Don't worry, I'll text and call. Maybe even visit when I have the time. Thank you so much, for everything," I went on. Dan stepped forward and hugged me, sighing into my now bubblegum pink hair.

We pulled away, and Dan took my luggage and left the room; he was taking me to the airport, as sort of emotional support. Also, I'm pretty sure he sensed that Phil and I wanted some time alone.

"I'm so sorry, I-"

"Shh, there's nothing to be sorry for," Phil interrupted me as I tried to apologise to him- for everything, honestly. I felt a few tears pooling around my eyes, threatening to spill. I guess Phil noticed, because he just pulled me into his arms in a reassuring hug. We stayed like that for a moment or so, until Dan was calling me from outside the door; I guess he came back all the way to the apartment to tell me that we need to leave in a minute. I really didn't want to leave Phil, but I had to, and I wanted to leave England. Start over, with new friends, new boyfriend maybe.

So I pulled away from the hug, and tried hard not to cry. I thanked Phil for everything and told him that I'd miss him- everything people said to the ones they were leaving.

Before I left, I decided to say and do one more thing.

I kissed him. Finally, I kissed Phil, someone who I had liked, even loved for such a long time, but neglected. I was so glad when he kissed back; I was worried that he'd just push me away. But he didn't.

"I love you, so much, and I'm so sorry. Goodbye, Phil. I'll see you again sometime, I hope," I whispered as we pulled away from the kiss. I felt salty tears roll down my face, and saw the same happening with Phil. Who knew this would happen? I mean, both Phil and I crying, me kissing him, telling him I loved him. I guess it's always at the last moment people decide to take that risk.

"I love you, too. I understand that you have to go, but I wish it was different," Phil sniffed. I felt so bad, but my choice was already made, and I was definitely not having second thoughts right then. 

"Me too, Phil. Me too," I whispered back, backing away from him and turning around as soon as I felt I was near the door. I opened the door and saw Dan by the stairs. I shut the door behind me and let my tears fall freely now that Phil couldn't see me. I didn't want him to be even more hurt to see me like this. Dan understood, from what I could see.

Dan held my hand as we went down to the taxi- not in a coupley kind of way, but in a best-friend-reassurance kind of way. And I was grateful for that. I thanked Dan for being there for me, and thus our journey to the airport began.

---

When we reached the airport, Dan could only go so far with me. He stayed with me until I had to go for security check and to board the flight. My tears had stopped falling so freely by then, but the final goodbye with Dan made it worse. He was my best friend, and one of my only friends that stayed with me the whole way, since we met.

I hugged him as soon as we stood up, nearly making us fall down again. We laughed a bit quietly. Dan hugged me back, for reassurance, and we said our goodbyes.

"Make sure you skype and text us regularly, don't just completely disappear, okay?" Dan demanded. I laughed a bit, and nodded. At the last moment, I kissed Dan's cheek and said 'thank you'. He ruffled my hair and told me to go before I missed my flight. So I did.

I was leaving this place behind, finally. Maybe not forever, but now I had a chance to make my life better, and I wasn't going to waste it.