Who I am {Phil Lester}

chapter 22.

A/N: hey hey hi, sorry I left on a cliffhanger then didn't update the same 'pov', I'm an evil being, I'm sorry. But thank you all so much for the lovely comments, I appreciate them so much<3

KIM'S POV;

I glared out at the twinkling city circling around below me. The traffics bustle of cars echoing back and forth between the buildings. My heart thudding deeply inside my chest, almost as if it could burst.

My toes gripped tightly against the solid concrete edge causing a slight twinge of numbness shooting about my feet.

I just want the pain to stop.

I watched a blood red car dart around the corner of one of the towering sky scrapers opposite me. I could almost hear the screech the tires would make inside my head. But instead of fading out, it continued to be replayed.

Faster...

And..

Faster.

My head began to spin, and my vision blurred as tears I didn't even realise were being released down my cheeks, trickled across the side of my head as a gust of wind blew them around my face. Another blow of the powerful air made my feet topple backwards.

I could feel my heart stop and my breath being blocked as if someone were strangling me.

I was almost certain I had fallen over the edge.

Part of me wanted to fall, but the other half was too weak to let go.

Who even was I?

Pathetic, that's who.

"Hello, I'm Pathetic, how are you on this fine day?"

Weak and pathetic. That's all I ever was and all I ever will be.

I couldn't carry on masking the true me for PJ. It wasn't who I am. It was a fake, prissy and cliché girl who didn't have a personality. It wasn't me.

I took another step back.

But what if I could change?

8th cautious step back.

What if I could pull myself together?

7th more confident step.

Maybe I could change.

The wind continued to howl against me and the sturdy building as I gradually turned myself around to face the steel door.

6th step.

'I doubt you could actually change, Pathetic.'

I hesitated, wondering. Waiting.

5th step

'What are you doing, you're Pathetic remember?'

4th step

What am I doing? I'll tell you what I'm doing

3rd step

I, Kimberly...

2nd step

Have decided to attempt to make a change, again.

First step. Back to where I started.

***

My stomach churned at the thought of going back to the flat. I didn't want to go anywhere near it. The hell hole full of loneliness and regrets.

Instead, I decided I'd head down towards the park. Until I realised I was shoeless.

I couldn't go anywhere without shoes on.

How I wished I'd worn shoes now.

Suddenly it all hit me.

Just as I took the last step down the stairs and out onto the open landing, I collapsed in a fit of sobbing, panic and realisation. My body shook like an autumn leaf in the wind as I curled up into a ball, protecting myself from the world. Salty tears streamed down my cheeks and thudded against my chest. Finally, I became aware of the icy coldness from the wind. My hands wouldn't stop shaking and my body felt about as weak as a rag doll.

Gradually, the sobbing grew louder. Almost screams were being projected from the depths of my lungs. I squeezed my arms tightly around my knees, a sharp ache bounded around them as the pressure intensified.

I don't want this anymore. Please, just take it away. I don't want to be like this. I'm tired of constantly feeling worthless. I'm tired of not living the life I want to live. I'm tired of being tired. It just feels like a never ending loop of emptiness. I want to be able to trust again. I want to be able to make people happy instead of being a burden. I want someone to see me like I'm worth fighting for. Like I'm not just a failure. Like I'm something different. Something that isn't who I am now.

A door slammed shut down the corridor and I was suddenly reminded of my surroundings.

A shuffle of feet gradually began to draw closer.

"Hello? Are you alright, dear? Hello," an elderly woman's voice wobbled about from above me.

I didn't know how to respond. What was I meant to say? I couldn't speak. I needed to speak.

Speak.

"Deary, are you alright?"

KIMBERLY, SPEAK.

"What's the matter, love, what's happened?"

For Christ's sake, answer the woman.

"Are you okay?"

"Actually, if I'm honest," I croaked, peering up at the old woman with grey curly short hair and a long lavender nightgown which came down to her ankles, who had her back bent over ever so slightly

"I'm not doing too well."