Who I am {Phil Lester}

chapter 5.

A/N: This chapter might be a bit triggering for some people so i'd suggest maybe if you are triggered with self harm skiping through it and i'll explain at the end in 'A/N' what happens for you :) if you are having to skip this chapter i hope you get better soon x

INDIE'S POV;

"I believe a strong woman may be stronger than a man, particularly if she happens to have love in her heart. I guess a loving woman is indestructible." ~ John Steinbeck

Phil is the sweetest person I have ever met. He's the funniest person I've ever met and he has a heart the size of the ocean. We strolled down the rainy gloomy London streets turning corners and swerving traffic chatting as if we'd known each other for years. He makes me happy. Not the normal happy. A different sort of happy. A warm, cozy one.

"So, how long have you lived here?" He asked whilst taking the last sip of his drink.

"All my life, I've grown up here, I suppose."

I braced myself for the worst. I don't like to talk about my childhood. Up until 10 I was fine, I didn't understand the world around me. However as I grew older, I began to understand suffering. My brother Kyle was just turning 13 and started to 'go down hill'. And with him I followed. Only because I needed to help him. He's my brother. What was I supposed to do?

"Oh cool, I moved into a flat with my friend, Dan, in 2010, I think it was," he paused for a moment, smiling down to the ground.

"Meet anyone special?" I asked, partly hoping if he did, it was only strong friendship.

His ocean blue eyes flickered up to my deep brown ones.

"Umm, no. Not anyone who really stood out," he began, "only really close friends who are some of the best people ever. You should meet them sometime," he offered, excitement spreading across his face.

"I'd love to!" I replied, grinning madly.

We reached a small park on the outskirts of the shopping center. There was a battered old slide and swing set, with a few benches scattered about.

"How about I give you my number and we can meet another time?" He asked, reaching into his pocket and towering in front of me so we were facing each other.

He was standing so close to me I had to look up slightly to meet his gaze. I could almost feel his warm breath against the top of my head. For a second or two I got lost in his eyes until he glanced back up from his phone. I shuffled back to reach my phone from my bag.

He began to read out the numbers. As he did so, I typed them into the small box on the bright screen. I repeated the numbers so I knew I had the right ones. Every now and then he'd make a tiny 'umhm' sound of reassurance.

"So, I guess I'll see you around then," he smiled, stuffing his phone back into his pocket along with his hands.

"I suppose you'll have to," I teased him.

A small chuckle escaped his lips before he flung his arms from his side and pulled me into a quick hug. I've never felt so safe and secure. I thought my insides had turned to mush and were slowly dribbling down my body. We fitted together like two jigsaw pieces. Like two peas in a pod.

It reminded me of when Kyle let me hold him for the first time.

-FLASHBACK-

I started to pound the door with my fists.

"Kyle, please let me in!" I begged him shouting through the crack in the bathroom door.

His sobs were quiet and soft.