Who I am {Phil Lester}

chapter 24.

KIM'S POV;

Having depression whilst maintaining a relationship isn't like you see in cliché films and books. It isn't having your boyfriend or girlfriend cradle you in their soft, warm embrace every night while you cry your eyes dry. It isn't your loved one kissing you and telling you they love you and then it all becomes magically clear and everything is all joyful and rainbows. NO. Stop romanticising mental illnesses. Depression is cold, lonely nights creeping up on you slowly until you've been consumed into the darkness, trying to fight off another night alone until the sun rises, when all you'll really do anyway is lay around, empty inside. Like an empty shell which was meant to have thriving life in.

But, recently, I've been teaching myself to become an optimist. Because the world needs more optimism.

Struggling is a useful word at the moment.

I hadn't told PJ about my depression. I wasn't planning on it.

He actually came to visit me the other day, it was nice of him considering how much I'd neglected him. Despite everything, deep down I'd missed his company. I'd missed company full stop, in fact.

He had brought a bunch of radiant rouged roses and 'the girl who leapt through time' DVD for me, which I instantly stuttered and stammered at as he presented them.

"I brought the DVD for you because it's always been one of my favourite films and it gives me so many happy memories, and I thought I could share it with you"

A tiny blush crept up, tinting my cheeks a rosy pink. I felt so overwhelmed. He didn't need to do this for me, I'm not that important.

After we'd finished watching the film, curled up under a duvet, I insisted on PJ leaving as it was getting quite late and I'd just about reached the maximum capacity of social interaction for that day before I became a ball of numbness. I didn't tell him the last bit though, it would crush him.

I lay slumped over in the corner of the living room, wrapped in the same duvet me and PJ had been curled up in. It was where I'd fallen asleep the night before. Midday was slowly rolling round now and I still hadn't moved despite being awake for 6 hours. I'd just stare as the slowly wilting rose petals gracefully dropped onto the coffee table from the vase.

Suddenly, my phone sprung to life from across the room. I mentally groaned. I swore it was dead the last time I checked.

Giving as it gave me a reason to be motivated and get up, I staggered dizzily towards the phone. My head was all light and fluffy. My skin was a dry, grey colour. And my hair hung dead down the sides of my face. My limp body stumbled over to pick up my phone.

"1 NEW MESSAGE: PJ; Hey, I left my jacket the other day, mind if i pop round and get it?"

I mentally groaned a second time. I didn't want company today, I was too effortless.

"TO: PJ; Yeah sure. I need to go out soon though so you won't be able to stay for long." I lied.

His reply was almost instant.

"FROM: PJ; that's alright, I'll be round in about half an hour"

Great. Just what I wanted.

My head continued to fuzz and my eyes continued to blur.

I leant against the spinning wall to try to regain my balance. Again.

My body hit the solid wall with a thud and a pound against my back causing me to fully collapse in a heap of brittle bones and barely any flesh.

After pondering about why I was still alive, I hoisted myself off the ground.

I stood dead still.

Yet, I was also spinning.

A wave of giddiness took complete control over my body and then it was over.

Everything around me was dark

It was nothing but darkness stretching and stretching as far as it could reach.