Who I am {Phil Lester}

chapter 23.

A/N:whilst reading listen to the song above for the full feels *cries in the distance*

THIRD PERSON POV;

"It's so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone." ~ John Steinbeck

A breeze picked up as her chest tightened against the harsh icy air and rain.

This couldn't be happening. Her very own brothers grave, sitting quietly at her feet.

Watching the sky, the stars seemed far away and impossible. Grey clouds cast long, dark, menacing shadows on everything, the rain pounding hard against her fragile heavy shoulders.

Memories began to flood back.

The first time Indie had seen Kyle since he was put in hospital, his eyes were bright and hopeful. Green, sparkling and happy ones. That's all she ever wanted him to be. Finally, she could see him after what seemed like a year; he was alive and standing right in front of Indie. She was certain she was dreaming. Months of waiting and worry all leading up to that moment.

The little things hurt the most, though. All the times he'd try to distract Indie from the hammering thunderstorms which clapped over the flat or when he'd just give a half hearted smile at her randomly. All because Kyle wanted her to know that part of him is still there. Even if part of him was lost.

All of that far away and impossible.

Of course, there were things that Indie wished she had told him. So many things, so little time, and all of them wasted.

Indie's deep, purple hair plastered to her smooth, wet forehead, her clothes sticking to her skin and the tiny tear drops were still evident. Deep down, she wished she hadn't attended after everyone had left, rather than going alone again because now she knew how weak she had become. How dependent of Phil, Kim and most of all Kyle she was. Was. Getting used to the little things like that would take time.

Finally moving from her spot on the squishy soil ground and facing him for the first time all over again, she broke.
Falling to her knees in front of the new wet tombstone, she screamed out. She started to shake and sob violently and there was no stopping it. Her safety net was missing, and never coming back. Kyle was never coming back.

Kyle didn't deserve to go like that. At the mercy of a blade and a bottle of tiny destructive pills that he'd been trying so hard to avoid. She'd trade places with him in a heartbeat, because deep down, he was her best friend.

Indie would never fully grasp the fact that he was gone. Permanent and irreversible. She considered talking to him, but can barely speak.

Loose soil clutching to her clothes, the thought that Kyle's body is buried deep beneath her brings the permanent ache in her chest to become more prominent. Kyle, who she could always talk to, the only person who listened even if he never replied, the shoulder she could cry on even if he did shove her off after she'd composed herself, gone.

Forever.

Never coming back.

Kyle is far away and impossible all over again.

The only difference is that he's unable to answer her calls for help when she's contemplating the same fate that Kyle had hurled himself into.

Talking wasn't such a bad idea.

Every inch of her skin was soaked to the bone as she moved forward and sat beside the grave, curling her knees up to her chest.

"Kyle," she whimpers, "I..."

The tears flooded down her cheeks again and there was no way of stopping it.

The dark grey cloud continued to hang over as the rain came pouring down in floods of cold, stabbing water.

Inhaling sharply, she attempted to speak again.

"Remember when I forced you to go on a bike ride with me? I had to drag you out of the house whilst you kicked like a 2 year old. Don't lie now, though, you enjoyed it, really," Indie half heartedly chuckled at the thought of Kyles horrified face when she presented him with a bike and map. "That's right Kyle, I saw your smile the whole time."

She closed her eyes and smiled a bit, however when she glanced over and Kyle isn't slumped over with his messy dark hair and pale complexion, the infinite ache came back, stronger than ever. Ready to tear down anything in it's path.

"Why?" She whispered into the icy air, "You said you were better. You should have told me and I could've helped. But you were always so confusing."

Indie shuffled about on the damp soil.

"You know, yesterday was the first time I was in your bedroom since..." Her soft broken voice trailed off for a few seconds. "It smelled like you. Cigarettes and all. Everything. Your old bear was still laying on your bed, I hope you don't mind that he's gonna stay with me for a while"

Quietly, she wiped the salty tears from her blurry vision.

The rain continued to pour down harder as Indie rests her head on top of her knees pulling herself tighter into a ball.

"I'm so sorry," she broke into a heart shattering sob, filling the thick gloomy air with pain.

Trying to gain control of herself again, she just let herself talk into the gloom and rain, holding onto the tiny thread of hope she had left.

"I miss you. I'm sorry, please come back. I just keep hoping that you'll pick me up like you always do. I just hope that this is all one big nightmare," she whimpered through the sharp inhales and exhales.

Staying with Kyle until Indie was almost too tired to walk was something she had always done., but as she leaves, this time she can't help but think that as she does so, she is leaving Kyle behind.

And in that moment, trudging through the tiny creaky metal gate away from the graveyard, Indie was alone once more.