Who I am {Phil Lester}

chapter 19.

INDIE'S POV;

Loneliness polluted the dry air which hung low in the apartment. Infectious lonesome clouds of confusion dragged alongside of me as I burst carelessly through the wooden front door and fell in a weakened heap at the foot of the dusty sofa. The familiar smell of cigarettes danced around my nose as I lay motionless on the wooden panels which stretched out through the living room.

I hauled myself up and plodded aimlessly around the flat, pacing ever so slightly as I did so until I came to face the plain simple door of Kyle's room. I stared intently at the glossy silver handle lossy clinging onto the warped wood, contemplating whether or not it would be a good idea to enter.

My hand hovered over the icy metal before clasping gently and twisting the handle letting the plank of wood slide open at ease.

This was Kyle's room.

This was his plain grey duvet scrunched up at one end of the bed . This was his dusty carpeted floor. This was his messily organised desk. This was a part of Kyle. Kyle was a part of this.

My teeth gnawed on my bottom lip, drawing the taste of iron to explode as the inside of my lip spilt where my teeth had been nibbling against the skin.

Silently, I wandered over to his desk, the aroma of cigarettes drifting in and out my nose. Sinking into the chair placed at the edge of the desk, I gradually pushed myself to the centre of the desk where two unopened letters lay. Two unopened letters.

Unwillingly I took one of the letters in hand and turned it over to read who it was addressed to.

Dearest Indie,

I'm like a robot, I have no fears, I lack emotion and I can't cry anymore. I'm like a coma, a deadly sleep. My heart is breaking, but I just can't pick up the courage to act on it. You used to lay awake with your heart breaking. I know you did, so I don't want you to lie and say that it will be alright anymore.

I'll watch you grow older day by day and I'll try to keep you safe from anything or anyone that could hurt you because I care so much about you. I wouldn't do this if I didn't think it was the right thing to do. I was just born in the wrong time and regret most of my life here. The only thing I will never regret is you.

However, I was like a virus inside your head. I wasn't a doctor but I could tell you were sick. Sick of my bullshit and the state I was in.

So I want you to cry, but I don't want it to be for me because I don't deserve your tears. I want it to be for love and happiness and being overjoyed. And I want you to say goodbye to me, but I want you to mean it. I want you to find someone who will treat you right. Better than the way I have treated you.

Will you do this for me? Because it's not me who can mend you, as I'm the one who broke you.

I've always loved you Indie, through thick and thin. But now I'm gone, I want you to find someone who will love you as much as I did and more. Someone who will take good care of you.

Goodbye Indigo, please stay strong,

Kyle.

I clasped my mouth as a stream of silent tears rolled their way down my cheeks and hung off my chin before collapsing onto the other letter.

Mum and dad,

I don't know where the fuck you are or even who you are. I grew up with no one to look up to. Indigo grew up with only me to look up to and I'm in no means a role model for her. Never the less I thought you should know that she turned out better than I did. She made her way in life without you. You better be proud. Not of yourself or me but of her. She's going to do great things without you.

I'm informing you that I couldn't make it like Indie did. I'm not as strong as she is. I never was. I don't want you to blame yourself because this is my decision, you had nothing to do with me for my whole childhood. You didn't make me who I am today.

You might be wondering why I have never written to you until now. Well don't. I'm certain you know why I have never written to you. You abandoned me. You abandoned Indigo. You abandoned your son and daughter and I will never know why. Indigo may find out in her future but I won't. I will never find out because I don't plan on having a future after tonight. I am leaving everything. I don't want you to try and find Indigo. She's better off without you. She has better people in her life now. And I could never be one of them.

So i'm saying goodbye. Goodbye to the home I never grew up in. Goodbye to the town I never knew. Goodbye to the family I will never know. But mainly, goodbye to the two people who I will never know. Goodbye to you.

Your 28 year old son, Kyle.

It was Kyles letters to me and our parents.

It was his scrawny handwriting. It was the way he scribbled out sentences he didn't like. It was Kyle's deepest feelings. It was a part of Kyle.

Why hadn't I seen this sooner? Why was it only now I noticed it? Why hasn't he put it in a place I could of found it sooner?

A tear drooped down my cheek, rolling lazily off my chin and hitting the paper, causing the ink to smudge around it.

I held the piece of paper close to my chest. Clutching onto the only piece of Kyle I had left. Tears managed to bulge through my tightly closed eyes and fall carelessly down my face.

My knees grew weaker and I collapsed in a heap of uncontrollable sobs.

I thought I had always wanted a piece of Kyle to stay with me forever. However now I know it will just make me hurt even more than I already was.

Why did he do this?

He was just being selfish. He didn't think about me at all when he threw himself into the fate which is now tormenting me. He didn't imagine the consequences it would have on me.

He just ran away from it all like he always does- used to. He couldn't face his problems because he was just a pathetic child.

A voice inside me kept on shouting to stop it. To stop hurting his feelings. But he had hurt mine just as much.

The cries grew louder and, gradually, formed into fits of horrendous screams. I couldn't cope any longer. I can't control myself.

"Indie?! Oh my god! Indie!" A deep familiar voice boomed out from behind me.

Everything stopped as my head viciously spun around. I felt like I was prepared to kill. My tears had stopped falling and my eyes were cold and narrow.

"Please, just go, Phil," I sternly croaked, avoiding eye contact.

"You just ran out, what happened? Are you okay?" He took a timid step towards me and I cracked. I couldn't take it.

"PHIL, FOR FUCK'S SAKE, I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE!" I didn't care that when I did meet his watery blue eyes, they looked like I had just stabbed him. But they weren't angry or furious. They were hurt, shocked and most of all, betrayed.

"I'm sorry, I just-" he stammered before being cut off by my rage.

"PLEASE JUST GO! I LEFT BECAUSE I WANT TO BE ALONE! DON'T YOU GET THAT?! I DON'T CARE! JUST FUCKING LEAVE!" I screamed in his face.

His eyes wandered about my face for any sign of remorse before trailing towards Kyle's letter.

"Is that-" he tried to finish before I immediately finished for him.

"KYLE'S LETTER? WELL FUCKING DONE! HAVE A GOLD STAR! NOW GET OUT."

"Indie you don't know how sorry I am," he calmly said backing away towards the stairs, his gaze fixated on me. He looked lost.

"Just get out, Phil," I hissed brutally, turning my back on him as I felt the smallest tear run down my cheek.

What had I done?

AN: very very VERY short chapter, I apologise! But writing the letter from Kyle took out so much energy and time. A huge helping hand from never shout nevers song: 'robot' on the album 'recycled youth'. I'll put it in the top.

Again, thank you all SO much! I love everyone of you! <3