Who I am {Phil Lester}

chapter 17.

INDIE'S POV;

"The loneliest moment in someone's life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly."~F. Scott Fitzgerald

"I'm so sorry to tell you this without any warning but your brother, Kyle, he..." Dr Smith hung her head low and fiddled with the clipboard encased in her fingers.

"What is it?" I asked, barely audible and trying my best to ignore the deep ache at the thought of what is going to roll out of this woman's lips.

"Kyle passed away in his sleep. I'm so sorry, Miss Taylors," Dr smiths face hid away from me in apologetic shame.

"No," I said bluntly. "No, you're wrong, Kyle's fine. I was with him just a few moments ago. He is fine," I stammered, getting lost amongst my own words.

"I'm so sorry, Miss Taylors, but he is no longer with us."

My body couldn't process what had just been said. My heart couldn't hold itself together any longer. My head couldn't focus on anything other than the woman in front of me.

I need someone here. I can't take this in on my own.

I need Kyle. I need his safe embrace. I need his forest green eyes to look at and remind myself that this is our reality because in no other reality are anyone's eyes that shade of green. I need his sarcastic comments. I need his awful music blaring through speakers at 7 in the morning. I need him.

Dr Smith guided my lost body over to the chairs. I collapsed in a state of confusion as I landed on the hard uncomfortable seat. I couldn't process my emotions. I stared blankly out towards the bustle of people. Everything became a blur. A slow steady blur whilst a dull ring hummed in my ears.

***

A bright pair of watery blue eyes met my gaze as I regained my vision, my movement and my emotions.

The subtle ringing gradually grew to a dim roar of conversations and movement as I heard the one voice I could process.

"I'm so sorry, Indie. I'm so sorry. I would've come sooner if I knew," Phil's deep, comforting voice cooed as he held me close.

"I don't know what to do. I don't know how this happened," I cried, shaking madly under his safe grasp. "I don't want it to be true, I don't want it to be true."

Tears steamed carelessly down my blotchy cheeks in flash floods of salty water.

"He's my only family. He's the only person who is basically me. He's my brother," I sobbed through rapid breaths.

"I know, and I'm sorry for everything," Phil sounded lost but I didn't blame him. "Shall we go back home?"

I shuddered at the thought. I couldn't go back home. It isn't home without Kyle anymore.

I shook my head rapidly.

"Okay, that probably wasn't the best suggestion, sorry," he stammered, "we could go back to mine? Dan's out so it will be quiet."

"Okay," I breathed out, burrowing my head into his shoulder.

My body grew numb and lifeless. I couldn't feel myself walking. I couldn't smell the awful chemical aroma. I couldn't feel the breeze of fresh air as I was guided outside the hospital. The only thing I could feel was Phil's safe reassuring grip as he tugged me into the taxi.

The journey to his flat was a quick blur and before I could process it, we were stood outside the apartment block doors under the pouring rain.

PHIL'S POV;

The journey to mine and Dan's flat was slow, and felt like it lasted a lifetime. Indie was in a state of shock and I couldn't bare to see her this weak. It was like a part of her had died with Kyle.

The rain was flooding down from the sky in buckets of cold eerie water as it left a dull grey glow amongst the street. Her lilac hair was no longer vibrant and full of bounce anymore. It now hung down her pale cheeks in little clusters of damp lifeless strings. I couldn't tell whether it was raindrops or tears staining her eyes but I presumed it was a mix of both.

The same feeling kept on pressing deep inside me. Almost bubbling over. I knew though that this was the completely wrong time for me to splurge out the feelings which have consumed over the course of the past week.

Once inside, Indie stood, slumped over. Her frail arms wrapped around her body as if protecting herself from everything. Her head hung down low and her chapped lips rested in a loose downturned posture.

My mum always told me to offer warm drinks out in situations like this but my mouth couldn't manage to form the words to ask. Instead, I wrapped my arm around her shoulder, but she instantly flinched at my touch, as if she was snapped out of a daydream. As gently as I could possibly manage, I guided her towards my bedroom with the thought that she could maybe sleep through most of the hurt.

Carefully I tossed back my duvet cover and placed Indie on the edge of the bed, her eyes never leaving her folded arms.

"Try and get some rest Indie, you haven't slept in days," I spoke in a mannered whisper.

Her head gave a tiny nod as she stiffly curled over into the covers. I tugged the duvet up to her chest as she continued to stare blankly at the chest of draws opposite her. The only noise which could be heard was the duvet material shuffling about, filling the thick deafening silence which hung dimly in the air.

I crouched down in front of her, the familiar deep brown eyes focused onto mine. Gradually I lifted my hand up and traced my fingers over her damp cheeks before tucking a strand of hair behind her dainty ear. Her eyelids fluttered shut at my touch and her breath fell heavy.

We stayed like this until her body unwound and relaxed rather than it was when she was tense and on edge. Her breath slowed into a steady rhythm and her eyes remained sealed. I soundlessly began to edge towards the door when the tiniest voice sprung to life from beside me.

"Please don't go."