I Won't Mind - Ziam (major editing)

Chapter 43

I don't know what to do anymore.

I've got these feelings again where everything around me was seem to be like pushing into me, trying to crash my bones and makes me disappear, turning me into ashes.

My stomach hurts, like I haven't fed myself for weeks. It feels empty, yet it is feel like something was knocking me from inside. I feel my head is spinning every time I try to get up off my bed. Even my feet won't keep me steady, they are so wobbly and feels like jelly.

No. Not this again.

The last time I felt like this was a year ago. Exactly after I left the band. I was scared that people would hate me, seeing me as a traitor after they found out that I'm going solo. But this time, I'm afraid I can't do what's best for them. I'm afraid I will mess up my performance, my vocal.. everything! I'm so afraid, so so afraid for facing the huge crowd alone. Although I'm with my band, but still, I'm afraid.

Plus, me and Liam haven't got better. Liam have said things about me.. straight to me. He said that I'm changed and he can't even recognize me no more.

I've been thinking about it too, everything Liam have said to me. And then this invitation comes up, it doesn't help me with my whole situation. I wanna refuse so bad but this could be such a big chance for me to raise my name, to lead my career to the top. Though I don't really care about it, but who wouldn't be proud if someone reach their success?

Now everything gets worse, all I need is Liam to be here and keep me calm down. But we are kinda in a fight and it's impossible to have him here by my side.

I know that he is truly upset with me because he doesn't invite me to his sister wedding, which is only a few days away from now.. Just like Summertime Ball. I'd really rather be attending Ruth's wedding instead of that event to be honest. But no, what am I thinking about?? I'm not even his boyfriend. Why would I think of Liam inviting me?

I'm one hundred percent sure he would invite Cheryl. So there won't a chance for me to get invited.

My inner crumbles every time I drive my mind farther. I'm gagging, it feels like I wanna throw up but there is nothing in my stomach to waste. I'm empty. Once again, I have to feel this empty. And I hate it so bad.

I never wanted to let anyone down. I've been telling people this for many times but yet I keep dragging them down. When I perform myself live, I never feel satisfied. There musts be always me hitting the wrong tunes or things like that. And I always seem boring to everyone who's watching. I've been reading people's comments about me lately and that's what they said. And it doesn't help me to get through this anxiety.

It was a stupid of me to search up about people's opinion on me. I wouldn't be this worry if I never stumbled on them.

The crowd this time is just so massive, I feel so small surrounded by that many of people watching me. I'm afraid on how many sarcasm and harsh comments about me will show up after the show. I don't mind if they're correcting me, but some people using bad words and it gets feeling some type of way. Makes me feel smaller and smaller.

I hope I could be braver than I am. I hope people would stop judging another with harsh words. I am angry at myself for not being able to take care of the things I fear, I do, but mostly I am angry at some people.

And I know I should be used to it, all type of people reacting about me because I'm a public figure. But, I don't think that I can. I may look cool taking care of problems on social medias and talking it out on interviews, but when it comes to myself, personally, all I wanna do is to stop doing whatever I am.

And I've been thinking, to cancel performing there.