Naked Love|| Saulbert

31|| Forgive Me for What I've Done

"My dearest, Sauli.
Why do we continue to fight a war we know has already been fought for? Why do we continue to destroy something that we know for a fact, has been destroyed beyond repair? I am a man, a man who has lost everything, including the will to live. I am a man of regret and hatred toward myself. I wish for things to be okay, I wish for my worries to go away and for me to truly be happy and marry you, marry you without having to worry about wanting to die, and I promise you, it has nothing to do with you or anything you do because truth be told, I fucking love every single thing you do, it has never been you that is the problem, it is me. I know that is the cheesiest thing to say, but I swear on my love for black that it is true. I never wanted it to end like this, I never wanted to hurt you, Sauli. But it just happened. I know I've never been the world's most perfect boyfriend, nor the world's perfect best friend, but something inside of me collapsed and my walls started crumpling, falling down, brick by brick and I couldn't help it. No matter how much I tried to stop the demons running around in my mind, I couldn't stop. They tear me down every second of every hour of every fucking day!

I wanted to get better... For you, all for you. But somehow, the more I try, the more I fall into the darkness of my mind and the more I destroy myself... Mentally and physically. I have opened up old memories that lay upon my body and I can never forgive myself for that. I have destroyed, not only myself but any chance of making a life. I want a life with you, Sauli. I want a beautiful life with you, as my husband. I always dream we would buy a house, we would even adopt children and we'd die from old age, knowing we have lived the perfect life. I wanted to have a successful career in singing, and you wanted to be a talk show host or model. Lord knows you've got the body for that, that's all I've ever dreamt of...

But that's just it, it has just been a dream, stuck inside my head. A perfect reality, substituting the shitty reality I've been living for so many years. I've always wanted the best for you, so please, don't cry, don't beat yourself up over me... Just move on... Make an amazing life with your future partner. Be happy. I know that you'll never get over this, no one get ever get over something this big, they just learn how to deal with it... Please look after Tommy, I know he has never been the best person but he is truly an amazing friend.

I do love you, more than the fucking world itself, but you are the gun and I am the bullet, the moment I am away from you, is the moment I die.

So please, don't blame yourself. Blame me. I love you, Sauli. Forever means forever. Even if I am gone, I will be with you, always.

Rakastan Sinua, Sauli."

Sauli placed the letter down, looking up at Adam laying in the hospital bed. Tears poured from his eyes as he walked towards Adam, holding his hand tightly. His hand was cold, but he knew he could feel it.
It all happened in a blur, Sauli woke up to a phone call at three am this morning, he rushed straight to the hospital where he saw Adam laying there, completely lifeless. Adam had jumped from the three story building, he held the letter to Sauli in his hand tight as he jumped. But somehow he survived... Just...

Sauli knew by the look on the doctors face, Adam was in a critical condition... Tommy had to hold Sauli as he fell to the cold floors. Adam is going to wake up with amnesia, he will have to undergo months of rehabilitation due to the fall, he probably won't even wake up... But something inside Sauli screamed "Don't give up."

So, Sauli sat down, reading the suicide note that Adam held ever so tightly, he read it thousands of times, letting the words soak in. Each time hit harder than the last. Tommy had fallen asleep on the chair next to him. Neil and Leila won't even come visit..

Sauli can't sleep though, he's afraid to, he is afraid that if he sleeps, Adam might wake up... Or die... Either one scares Sauli because if he wakes up, there's an 80% chance of him not remembering anyone... If he dies, Sauli will lose the most important person in his life, his whole world will crash down, Sauli wants to just hold Adam tight, wishing this was all a nightmare. That last weeks' incident was just a dream...

"You still can't sleep?" Tommy's tired voice spoke. Sauli stopped thinking and placing, turning to Tommy.

"N-no." Sauli managed to get the word out. He hasn't stopped crying since he saw Adam laying there, attached to all those machines.

"Adam would want you to sleep, Sauli. He wouldn't want you worrying so much." Tommy spoke softly. Sauli knew he was just trying to help..

"What Adam would want, is for us to forget him. So I won't be doing shit that Adam would want because if I did, I'd turn his life support off and walk the fuck out of here!" Sauli cried, almost breaking down. "I'm so afraid, Tommy."

"Afraid of what?"

"Adam not remembering us. Me. I am afraid of him dying, losing him forever and knowing that our last conversation was a total mess and he screamed at me to go away, I am afraid that if he wakes up, even if he does remember, he won't ever be the same! I AM AFRAID OF LOSING EVERYTHING I LOVE AND HIS NAME IS ADAM!" Sauli shouts, standing there, shaking and in tears.

Tommy hugs Sauli tightly. "Adam is a fighter. He'll make it."

"He's been fighting a war for years, he doesn't have the strength anymore, Tommy. He surrendered to himself."

"Sauli, even if he doesn't remember us, we'll work to make him remember, we'll be here until he remembers everything amazing."

"What if he remembers his attempts at death?" Sauli cried. "He'll remember, and he'll drown in his mind again... That's what I'm more afraid of the most."