Forbidden

Chapter sixty-one

Have I ever known the real Zayn? Is there any time that he was honest?

Harry's little mock stories hurt me so much, but I'm not crying, I'm feeling nothing.

"At least it's over. You're returning home." he said smoothly.

Which didn't make sense.

I eyed Harry with distaste my head began to shake while sternly gazing at him. There was no point to struggle against this truth. I was destroyed, and being stripped of my free will again, ordered and pushed away, something I should have seen coming but still felt like a giant bolt of lightning being plowed through my chest. I rubbed my hands against my face, my breath coming out in pants as I could feel the hysteria working its way through my body, "I don't understand." I cried, pulling my hair, "I don't get it, what's going on?" Was all I said in response, my eyes now focused on the blue carpet on the floor. I notice Zayn's necklace hanging down to my stomach which made my stomach churn with formed memories that it brought me back.

Harry didn't say a word, though I needed to hear words of encouragement from anyone right now, that I will be okay, that this feeling would pass. I couldn't accept it. Up until hours ago I was safely tucked in Zayn's arms, I had been so joyful, I would've given anything to keep feeling the beating of his heart deep down his bones, to sleep on his chest and wake up from this nightmare... But every time I think about Zayn now there's a sharp pang running through my chest. There's things I remember us doing and suddenly his anxious behavior made sense. But if he couldn't wait to leave, why was he holding me desperately all night? There is not a single thing that makes sense nor fits Harry's words and I feel like I'm losing my mind. I want the tranquility of yesterday back, Zayn felt physically safe and I can't even have that.

It's not long I find myself in the car with Harry, my gaze strictly before the road in front of us as I watched through the windshield and put on the seat belt.

A few cars sped down the road every few minutes, fading down the street and illuminating me with the darkness of the night once more, it has started to rain... I think I'm in denial because I wasn't crying. All I felt was hurt, fear and anxiety that I'll never see him again.

The thoughts flooded me, yesterday was the last time he kissed me, the last time that I saw him, the last time I held him, the last time I get to hear his voice, look at his eyes. He knew... I felt betrayed that I wasn't granted truth. I never gave myself to any other before like I easily did to him. I know I won't be able to forget him...

He used me. That's the thing on my mind, he only used me for whatever. Which doesn't make sense. Why and for what?

I can feel Harry dart his gaze towards me a couple of times. I exhale shakily as my mind becomes numb and I don't look at the situation with feelings but only with logic.

"Harry I don't believe you." I exclaim. Maybe I was pathetic but something felt wrong. My instinct is on high alert."You have to tell me why he is doing this?"

I get silence.

"Tell me." I shoot him an irritated look.

"Must you be so fucking desperate?" he weakly managed, trying to hurt me."He's done with you bambi. Whatever went on between you two during this time doesn't mean anything to him. I gotta know, I'm a man." He wants me to drop it just like nothing.

"No." I refuse to believe him."You're lying, why should I believe you? You said for yourself that neither of you are trustworthy." I hit his arm, he pushed me away back harshly, I groan."Why would he not tell me on his own if he never cared?" He did it before, why not now? "And to use me he had to get something out of me which he didn't." I'm absolutely livid and rambling. But it's the truth. Zayn never urged me to sleep with him. Not even touch him only after I wanted. But then again maybe he used me to numb and clear his thoughts for as long as he needed.