Forbidden

Chapter forty-five

From all the things that could happen my mind would have never thought this would..

His forefinger slid so tenderly on my forehead pushing the strands of my hair away to tuck them behind my ear, my eyes open slowly as his hand threads on my hair, his irises stay trained on the gesture with furrowed eyebrows as if he's concentrating, my alarmed composure lacking, my breathing pattern gets slower.

Then those big eyes that make me weak trail to my neck, soft stare in his eyes, his hand went to feel it gently making me flinch.. The slow moment between us vanished just then, making him retract his touch with nostrils flaring.

He began pacing, I near him with cautious steps again just wanting to touch him or hug him but he sensed it so he prevents me as he spun around and grasped my arm, his face withheld nothing, failing to reveal the Zayn I knew from the last days. Sadness consumed my entire being upon the realization. They say you can't feel sadness inside you but how can someone explain the clenching of my chest?

"Do you see what happens when you don't fucking listen?!" he roars shaking me by my shoulders with both hands eyes focused at a random spot on my face not my eyes, I bite my lip as I was blinking rapidly to not cry right there. He's right with this one, I would have never thought that I would agree with him when it comes to this stuff. But all I am is relieved that he is saying something."These marks will be a memory for how I am not thinking clearly." his voice hoarse and raging, words laced with accusation and anger but I understand why he is like this. He cares about me be it only to protect me. And he hates that for some reason."Because I'm not focused on my fucking responsibilities." he snapped not meeting my eyes and released me pushing me slightly away.

Shaking with my mind going rampant I scurried to my bed to grab the notebook. I didn't trust my voice. "What do you want to say with this?" I scribble down the letter fastly then stride back to him and hold it up while I feel like throwing up. I wasn't scared of him and I'm sure now that he won't hurt me ever.. But why am I at the verge of crying again? As if something bad will happen.

Giving a look at it he is annoyed.

"Isn't it fucking clear?" he icily countered."Because of you I'm too distracted. It is all because of you."

It takes a moment for me to do anything since I'm very confused but then my hand writes furiously while my eyes burn in unshed tears.

"I know it is my fault for being stupid and going down there but I think I've been through enough to see that on my own. Don't lecture me please. I already know Zayn." I show him the letter. All I want is for him to understand that and hold me..

"You still don't get it. That's not it." he grumbled, his eyes though.. they were sad.

"What?" I show him the paper again. He looks down, I shake the paper between us, even wanting to shove it on his hands to compel him to tell me. My throat tightens. It's all so unclear for me.

"It's my fucking fault for going soft on you." he grumbled and doesn't look at me. I froze, my mouth falls agape before I force it shut. He doesn't think it's my fault but his own and those words twist my stomach so much. It's like I've been on edge the whole time with him, while waiting for those hurtful words. "If I wouldn't have told you those things, if I would have kept my hands to myself, if I would have been more strict, I wouldn't have these kind of issues."

The sharp intake of air that comes from me is a sign of knowing very well what that means.

"Forget every single thing I said." he sternly orders, I close my eyes in hurt already expecting that."Forget what happened, forget that night or any other time we kissed. From now on I won't push past that line bambi."