Broken But Beautiful

54. August 22, 2019.

Manik

"Manik, sweetheart! Come cut the cake!"

My mother's smiling face welcomed me. I just turned 13 today, and mom bought me my first guitar. She said she had it custom made it for me. She was amazing.

She was perfect.

She was...

I was seventeen.

I stood under the festive lights that celebrated my parents 20th anniversary. I looked at them holding hands and posing for the camera and warmth filled me up. I hadn't seen another couple like them. They were perfect.

They were....

I stood alone in the dark road, no stars or no moon welcoming me tonight.

This particular scenario was so familiar to me. The long striding rows of large dark trees on either side, the road too narrow and full of ups and down. Huge trucks passed me left and night while I stood in the middle of the road, all alone.

I wasn't supposed to stand alone here. My mom was supposed to be here with me. My dad was supposed to be here with me. I was twenty and I could drive, but who I was going to drive if my parents weren't here? Mom told me to hurry. Where was she?

Mom never came. Instead the world stilled, followed by a really loud, earth crackling scream in the dead of the night. So familiar, so close to home I-

I woke up with a start, gasping for air.

I found myself sitting straight on my bed and looked around, trying to clear my vision. The sweat beads formed all over my body chilled over the sudden blast of AC. I felt cold.

But then I groaned and shut my eyes, falling back towards the headrest of the bed, realizing deeper definition of the word 'headache'.

My head hurt everywhere. Front. Back. Sides. It was as if four different people from each side of me was hitting my head with a hammer or something.

I let myself slide down to the pillow. Why did it hurt so bad. Why-

Then it hit me. The compellingly familiar sweet scent. My instinctive ache to pull something close against my body, or someone.

Nandini was here last night.

My entire body stilled, head hammered, breath hitched as I let the highlights of last night wash over me. I slapped my hand over my face, groaned, screamed, kicked at myself as memories slid back into my consciousness one by one. The alcohol. Nandini. The harsh words.

For fuck's sake. I bent her over the fucking table.

Why did she let me?

OHMYFUCKING-GOD.

Why did she let me do that?

She could've stopped me. She could've said no. Just one no, and I knew I wouldn't. I would never- Why did she keep adding fuel to the flame? Why did she let me take the bait?

What if I had hurt her?

Oh god, did I hurt her in the middle of the night again-

No no no no no-

I lunged out of the bed, shouting for her all over the apartment. When did she wake up?When did she leave? Where did she go? I needed to find her. I needed to see if she was fine. The hurtful things I said to her- oh god oh god oh god.

I was going to kill myself. I was so fucking close this time.

I ran back to my room, looking for my phone. I had to go to her house. I had to speak to her. The later memories waved in slow as I tried to locate my phone.