Broken But Beautiful

47. Christmas Card from The Hooker

Manik

I knew... silence.

I knew silence in the way I lived through it, the way it lived within me. In last two months, I've known silence with Nandini Murthy, too. In many form, many shades, many archs.

I knew silence with Nandini Murthy. But I did not know what this was.

It was not a solid barrier that separated me from her. It was not something that shoved her away into a corner beyond the world; whatever it was, it kept me and the world right within her reach. Right there with her, suspended in a thick, unfathomable fog that showed me her way, led me to it so straight- yet I had the sinking feeling I'd never reach her. It rattled me. Infuriated me.

And it didn't sit well with me.

I was driving us towards somewhere in Lonavala. At least according to Google Navigation, that is.

Nandini hadn't spoken one word since her breakdown in her bedroom. I had followed her out of her apartment. By the time I had reached down she was already standing in front of the car, her luggages safely loaded on the back. For a flicker of second it occurred to me that I wasn't taking anything with me- but who knew. I probably wouldn't be staying...however long she intended to stay wherever she was going.

That thought had bothered me more than it should have. That too, not in the whole righteous way it should...have been. I scoffed and growled at my head for even reaching anywhere...near where it was going.

Nandini and I, in somewhere away from everyone... probably alone.

Or not. Who knew, may be she was going to any of her extended family? Someone I didn't know existed? Just like I didn't know about Madhav. What if there was some good people out there who were good to her the way she deserved it, comforted her in the time of need...better than us.

Better than I- was what was in the tip of my tongue, but let us ignore that. I snorted at my own superficial ideas and images of what I was in her life.

What was I in her life?

Fuck, I should not be thinking about being somewhere away from everyone else probably alone-

Mixed tension trickled down my skin time to time, while I tried to take a look on her face. Her impassive eyes stared ahead on the road, unblinking, unfazed by anything. One whole hour of silence did not barricade us away, instead suspended us within its territory. We were bound, together yet never more apart than this- and Nandini did not seem to have any urgency to change that.

As much as I wanted to let her be, to give her the time and space she obviously needed- it unnerved me. The silence. It crawled into my skin and made me want to screech my nails down my flesh and scream until I couldn't hear it anymore.

Some people felt free in letting go of control. I felt free within the control. I craved it. I held it tight and rigid without letting it shift. And right now, there was not even an ounce of control on the situation within my territory. It scared me, I realized with dread.

It scared me for her. I was not good without my long practiced control.

But had I ever been in control since Nandini?

This, all of these bullshits in my head didn't matter now. What mattered was, I was supposed to be there for her right now. Even if that meant melting into the background like I did not exist.

Another knot inside me twisted on that note. I mentally groaned.

This idleness the silence brought with it was letting me wander too much into the details of my own thoughts. Something I had not been allowing myself quite lately. The luxury of it was... tempting and lethal. Tempting why, I knew. She was sitting right beside me. Lethal why...I couldn't quite figure out.