Broken But Beautiful

36. Chips, Beer Bottles and Trust?

Nandini

When I opened my eyes next morning, I was lying on my bed- and he wasn't here. 

I got up, settling my back against the headboard and looked around. The stark sunlight of the day was blocked by the wrapped curtains in the window, but it irradiated the white curtains in soft gold. I looked around the bed. I couldn't see anything that could tell me of anyone else's presence here. And yet I knew he had been here. 

I was sure he had been here the whole night. I could still smell him on my pillows and blanket.

So he came back. 

I rested my head back and closed my eyes. It took some moment for the cloudy, shapeless thoughts to restore into the events of last two days. Once it did, I opened my eyes.

He shouldn't have come back.

The first thing- and the most important thing that crossed my mind was that- by any cost Manik Malhotra has to be kept out of this. Even if for that I've to keep him completely out of my life. I didn't know what power Madhav might possess to do something to a person who had no relation with this country whatsoever since a long time- but Madhav Mehta couldn't be trusted. I knew very well that Manik has mud in his past, even though I didn't know exactly what it was. I could guess it had something to do with his mother's death- but neither did I want to split the mud, nor I wanted Madhav to dig up the dirt.

But who knew if he already hadn't?

My skin prickled by the mere thought. I realized that I was going through almost the same feelings I had gone through the first time Madhav came up to dig dirt in my life. Uncertain of his limit, uncertain of his reach I didn't know what to think back then. I didn't know if it was surprising that I still wouldn't be certain even after all these years- but I was sure it'd have been different if it was anyone else.

Anyone else but Manik Malhotra.

So for now- I had nothing in my hands except for going through the 'understanding' Madhav Mehta exclaimed that we have now, except for trusting him to keep everyone, specially Manik out of this and except for conclusively keeping Manik out of this.

And as for as my fate- my insides went quitely empty as my thoughts turned back to my own self; I knew there was nothing to be done about it. There never was anything to be done about it once Madhav had entered my life. It was odd, how my mind seemed to swarm everywhere when I thought about everyone and everything else- but when it came to me, it seemed to be all empty. Everything inside me felt empty when I thought about myself.

Maybe that was what my fate was.

I opened my eyes as I felt the pain spreading through my lower abdomen and realized period cramp was starting its course. I groaned. Then just like that, my head was suddenly spinning.

I felt too sick to even open my mouth. It felt like I was going to throw up.

Only then I realized I had no food inside me to throw up. The only thing I had consumed yesterday, which was apparently a piece of toast- had already come out of me yesterday. 

Great.

Taking my time, I got up from the bed and walked out of the room. I couldn't see any food in the fridge worth eating, and snacking right now was not enough. I stopped as I entered the kitchen. It was all clean and tidy, but it looked as though someone's recently cleaned it. I looked around and it became apparent why- a bowl of mac and cheese was sitting on the dining table. With a note in the handwriting I knew well by now: Please eat.

I sat down and grabbed a spoonful. Manik Malhotra remembered to put on more cheddar than mozzarella, which made me smile. But in the next moment I remembered not to let this happen anymore from now on- which made my smile vanish.